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-- Will I ever really know when love is right? I feel like I missed out on something in my childhood... I never had that unwavering feeling that I was going to be with someone forever. I was never the girl planning my wedding, dreaming of our kids, I was the girl who refused to plan things more than a month ahead because "who knew where we would be by then." I'm still that girl. I am entirely unable to assume that a relationship will last... I've claimed for years to be a hopeless romantic.... but I'm not. I am a complete and utter romance pessamist. I believe in true love.. just for other people I guess. It's like the idea sounds great in theory... but never quite pans out for me.. or maybe I just don't let it. Every relationship involves in ounce (or maybe 20) of blind faith that it will work out.. otherwise why be there? Every relationship will have its rough spots.. and things where people don't see eye to eye... but I think that I see those things as obvious reasons to leave.. like one bump in the road and I'm gone. One problem and clearly that is the sign that it isn't meant to be... but that is the stupidest thing on earth.. and entirely a sign that deep down.. I doom every relationship I am in because I always assume it will end. I never see happily ever after as a real option... I see it as a freak possibility.. but I see all the problems and complicationa and trouble WAY before I see happiness in any relationship. The only thing in any relationship that I ever see as real is the problems... I will take criticism and fights as real.. but I would never assume that a man complimenting me.. or telling me that he loves me.. is real. Those are the things men say to get girls to have sex with them... those are the things they say because they think they should.. but never.. could he say them because he means them... I apporach anyone willing or eager to talk about the future as crazy.. or manipulative... or dillusional. I have seen every tender imbrace.. every sweet gesture or moment as a tool to get something that they want.. I have never let romance be real. I've never let love be real in my life... I've never let someone love me.. and I've never gotten close to letting myself love someone else... and even scarier is that I have no idea how to do that. I've become a romantic realist to a major fault. I see the divorce statistics and think.. why do I think I am better than these people? Why do I think that somehow, I am going to get married and stay that way, and they aren't? At least they were crazy enought to convince themeselves it would work... I can't even do that... -
--I see so many people who are in relationships for what I see as the wrong reasons.. but then.. when I stop to think about it.. I haven't a clue what the right reason would be. Love? Companionship? Kids? Sex? Friendship? Support? How do we decide what reason is "right" and what reason is "wrong" to stay with someone? I would be the first person to shoot down any relationship that is purely based on sex... but well.. what if that is all they need in their life? What if everything else feels complete to them... and all they really want or need from a partner is physical affection and their partner feels the same way... is that wrong then? I guess everyone needs to figure out what it is that they need from a partner.. what it is that their life lacks, that a partner could add... and then find someone who can do that. I guess I just worry that there is nothing I can provide someone... I feel like I'm so messed up that all I provide is a mental patient... so maybe if I can find a psych. grad student I would be the perfect mate...
--On an entirely unrelated note.. I found an apartment!!!!!!!! It is beautiful.. and it better be for as much as I am going to be paying for it! It has a pool and a fitness center, and a pool table and outdoor grills we can use... and it has real rooms unlike my studio. I will have an actual bedroom.. and actually living room and even a dining room! And best yet.. it has one whole wall that is made of red brick. It is beautiful... I LOVE IT. I am so excited I could pee in my pants.. and I move in June 17th. I know it is soon.. but that is what I had to do to get the place.. and I couldn't pass it up!!! So anyone who wants to come hang by the pool this summer with me.. you're welcome at my place!!!
--I see so many people who are in relationships for what I see as the wrong reasons.. but then.. when I stop to think about it.. I haven't a clue what the right reason would be. Love? Companionship? Kids? Sex? Friendship? Support? How do we decide what reason is "right" and what reason is "wrong" to stay with someone? I would be the first person to shoot down any relationship that is purely based on sex... but well.. what if that is all they need in their life? What if everything else feels complete to them... and all they really want or need from a partner is physical affection and their partner feels the same way... is that wrong then? I guess everyone needs to figure out what it is that they need from a partner.. what it is that their life lacks, that a partner could add... and then find someone who can do that. I guess I just worry that there is nothing I can provide someone... I feel like I'm so messed up that all I provide is a mental patient... so maybe if I can find a psych. grad student I would be the perfect mate...
--On an entirely unrelated note.. I found an apartment!!!!!!!! It is beautiful.. and it better be for as much as I am going to be paying for it! It has a pool and a fitness center, and a pool table and outdoor grills we can use... and it has real rooms unlike my studio. I will have an actual bedroom.. and actually living room and even a dining room! And best yet.. it has one whole wall that is made of red brick. It is beautiful... I LOVE IT. I am so excited I could pee in my pants.. and I move in June 17th. I know it is soon.. but that is what I had to do to get the place.. and I couldn't pass it up!!! So anyone who wants to come hang by the pool this summer with me.. you're welcome at my place!!!