Focus on: Parenting
Submitted for consideration, from a friend's note on Facebook, Helicopter Parents and the Rising Counter CultureParenting is perhaps the most sacred duty any human being can take upon themselves. When producing a new human life into this world or assuming full responsibility for one, the stakes are about as high as they can get. Yet at times the
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The best advice I ever got was to follow my gut instinct about what my kid needs and what is right for my family, and that it won't look like what anyone else does. I have read some books that went way counter to my instincts and I quickly ignored them. My parenting philosophy is based on respect for both parent and child, seeking solutions that honor the needs of everyone in the family, and trying to maintain the integrity of all involved when there is conflict.
I skimmed the article. I half agree, or rather I agree with half of the idea. I think we do have a culture of overparenting in many areas. And I think we also have a culture of underparenting in other areas.
There is definitely a trend in the media to make parents feel their parenting is inadequate. I believe a large portion of this is marketing-driven...make parents feel they are falling short, and they will gobble up things like books on how to be a better parent, classes (run by "experts") for their tot, fancy preschools, "educational" toys, baby-care gadgets, etc. It is no secret that parental anxiety funds big business.
I don't think I can put my thoughts all into a single LJ post. But I do think that my parenting probably comes across as a contradiction to some people. On one hand, I believe in sheltering kids to an extent while they are young. I believe attachment parenting is a valuable approach to babies and little kids. I nursed my kids longer than most people do, I carried them around when they needed it (which was a lot), we coslept (the younger ones still sometimes crawl in bed with us), we limit/filter their exposure to media, we choose friends based on shared values. We homeschool, which effectively means we oversee their learning, activities, and social interactions in a way we would relinquish if they went to school. Those are just a few examples.
I also believe that kids need close support as they develop socially - not that I micromanage their social interactions, but that I should be nearby, keeping tabs on how things are going, available to offer support/coaching/modeling if they run into conflict (because contrary to popular belief, I do not believe kids are innately equipped to "work it out" when there is conflict in a peer group without modeling from more experienced people. So all those things might be perceived from the outside as overparenting, but I think that is a misunderstanding. I support my kids in the ways they need so that they can become grounded, confident, and independent as they are ready. So far that has indeed been the case with my kids.
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On the other hand, I agree with the Free-Range mom about letting kids just "be." I believe kids need lots of down time for creative play and the emotional freedom to interpret their play themselves. I like to get out of the way and not tell them what to play or how to play (and I try hard to stave off marketing and media influences that seek to dictate these things for them.) And physically, I think they need to move when their bodies say move, be still when their bodies say be still, eat when they are hungry, rest when they are tired, be alone when they need it, etc, so they become adept at recognizing their body's needs and seeking to get them met appropriately. I think overscheduling kids can interfere with this process in a significant way.
If we feel overwhelmed, we cut back on activities and spend more time at home. If we feel understimulated, we head out for adventure. I still think it's appropriate for parents to play a significant role in kids' lives for many years, but part of that is stepping back and letting them know you trust them to learn manage their needs well, and that you expect them to come for support if they need it. In our house this also extends to learning - we follow their interests, and if I see a gap that I think needs filling, I try to do it in a way that appeals rather than imposes, so they are invested in their learning.
I am not editing this post much - I have a busy morning - but those are some thoughts, not meant to offend anyone who feels differently, just meant to give you a glimpse of how I think and feel.
Mostly we have just made it up as we went along. It's worked so far. (I couldn't fathom parenting a newborn until I had one, same for a two year old, or a six year old, or (gulp) an 11 year old...) Mine are now 11, 10, 7, and 5, and the feedback I get about them from other people is consistently positive. They are happy, well-adjusted kids. And S and I are happy parents. So something must be working. HTH...
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My mom's default was that every risk was unacceptable, and this turned me into an anxious kid who was afraid to make any choice for fear of some unknown terrible consequence. So that is where I am coming from here. If I look overprotective from the outside, it's because I know my kid hasn't learned to make good judgments about that particular thing on their own (for example, I NEVER EVER EVER took the boys to the beach when they were little - I know my kids, they would be off in opposite directions in a flash, and completely unmanageably unsafe.)
On the other hand, if I look underprotective, it's because I know my kid and I know they are capable of making good decisions in that situation (for example, my very tiny 14-month-old was capable of climbing the playground equipment. All of it. And I felt that hovering too close would tell him I didn't trust his ability to climb confidently, when I did. So I held back, and I cannot tell you how many other moms swooped in to "save" him and glare at me...grr!! I know my kid, and he was capable, and needed space to prove it to himself.)
Sometimes I probably look like I'm way hovering when I cajole my 11 year old into eating. What you don't see is that he has hypoglycemia and still has a hard time reading his body's need for food, and that if he doesn't eat the right kind of food at the right times, he crashes (= lashes out violently and/or collapses in tears). I'm helping him learn how to manage this, but it's still something he's working on, and he needs my support.
It probably looks like I'm underparenting when I say that I'm okay with my kids not doing academic work until they are ready. "Ready" means my oldest only just got to that point. But I am totally in touch with their learning levels and styles, and I'm managing their learning as needed to make sure they have the skills and experience to keep up with their peers.
I think it's inappropriate to make snap judgments about people's parenting because there is always more under the surface than you can see. Which is why I really dislike these "good parent/bad parent" articles. If in your gut you know you are tuned into and meeting your child's needs (and balancing that with your own), you're a good parent, and that inner knowledge is way more valuable than comparing yourself to someone else's ideas in an article.
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