who the fuck is lily?
Part the Eighth
It was another half hour or so before Bam finally surfaced. His eyes fluttered and I quickly pulled my hand away from its exploration of his face. He made a slightly strangled sound and his hands clutched at his throat. I realised what he was doing and I pulled him into a sitting position before handing him the glass of water. He drank it down in big gulps and then sighed heavily, leaning back on the headboard. I eyed him warily, wondering what kind of reaction I was going to get. He turned extremely blood-shot and exhausted blue eyes on me and the intensity of his gaze had me averting my own.
"Ville," he rasped out. I peeked at him from behind my hair.
"Yeah?" I asked timidly.
"You're here," was all he said, sounding perplexed.
"Of course I'm here. Where the hell else would I be?"
"I... don't know. Away from me. How the hell did I get here anyways?" He asked.
"Ryan brought you here. I don't know where you were but he said he didn't want your parents to see you in such a state. Why would I want to be away from you Bam?" I asked, knowing that he had regretted that comment the moment he'd said it.
"Because of how I acted. You're always telling me not to be so immature, so what do I do? I act like a 5 year old!" He exclaimed, arms crossed over his chest.
"I had no idea that 5 year olds could drink that much whiskey!" I tried to lighten the mood a little and was rewarded with a quick grin before his face took on its serious tone again.
"I can't believe I over-reacted that much! I was sure you'd never want to talk to me again," he whispered the last part and my heart melted into a little pile of goo.
"That will never happen, I promise!" I exclaimed. He looked at me with haunted eyes, not speaking.
"Bam, what did I say?" I asked the question that had been swirling round and round in my head all morning.
"What do you mean?"
"Yesterday at Lily's house. What did I say that hurt you badly enough to do this to yourself?" I gestured toward the bucket beside the bed.
"I... it was nothing. I just over-reacted, as I said," he was avoiding my eyes again, and I just knew he was lying to me.
"And you drank yourself half to death just because you over-reacted?" I asked skeptically. He just shrugged, still avoiding my gaze.
"Bam-Bam look at me, please," I pleaded. He looked up at me, hurt clouding his eyes.
"Bam tell me what I said. I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear. I just want to know what it was so I never say it again!" He tried to look away from me again but I put a hand on his cheek, keeping him from hiding. He exhaled slowly, delaying the inevitable.
"Youcalledmestupid," it came out all in a rush and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly, leaving me to try and figure out what he'd actually said. When I had, I racked my brain, trying to think of my exact words.
"I don't recall calling you that, although I said a lot of things. Even if I did, why is it that, in particular, that had you so upset?" I asked, genuinely curious. Bam and his friends called each other stupid names all the time.
"You know what I'm like in school, Ville. I don't have much of an attention span so I don't get a lot of work done. The teachers are always telling me that I'm stupid, that I'll never amount to anything. When you said it, I... I just never expected it from you, that's all. I thought you knew me better than anybody. I thought you believed in me," He said all this without looking at me, arms crossed and huddled in on himself. My heart just about broke when he made his last comment. I, of all people, knew what it was like to have people tell you that your dreams are worthless. My aunt had made sure of that.
"Bam-Bam, please believe me when I tell you that that is most definitely not what I meant! In fact, if what I remember is right, I wasn't calling you stupid, I was just saying that calling people names is stupid," I was hoping he would see the difference.
"It's the same thing, Ville," he murmured. So apparently, he couldn't see the difference.
"No it's not, Bam. It's a whole other thing! Even you must see that name-calling is petty," for some reason it came out harsher than I meant it to and Bam looked up, startled. At least he was looking at me now.
"Why is it such a big deal for you? Out of all the things I do and say, why does that make you so angry?" He asked, curiosity replacing the hurt in his eyes.
"Bam, look at me," I gestured at my body, "I have always been a walking target for bullies. It's not as bad here, especially since I became friends with you, but at my school in Finland it was constant. Physical violence never fazed me much, but the names haunted me. It always made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like I didn't deserve to be happy," I watched him as I spoke, wondering if it would be enough to wake him up to how hurtful he could be. I could see the precise moment that realisation set in, because the whole colour of his eyes changed. They went from being cloudy cerulean to being a very dark sapphire.
"I guess I never really thought about it like that!" He exclaimed. I just nodded and shrugged, not really wanting to keep the bad memories hanging around.
"I guess everytime I said something like that I was bringing back memories for you, huh?" he asked. Again I just nodded. He must have gotten the hint, because he changed the subject.
"So did I spew much?" This was said with his usual cheeky grin and I was glad that things seemed to have been cleared up between us. Well, most things.
"When I got here you were curled up around the toilet bowl and you wouldn't let go!" I exclaimed. He laughed.
"I must have had heaps to drink. I don't really remember. I just remember... well not wanting to remember. Does that make sense?" He asked seriously.
"Your sentence makes sense, but drinking yourself into that state doesn't make sense at all. I don't ever want to see you like this again Bam. I was really worried and so was Ryan," I informed him. He nodded.
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, I just... I was hurting and there was a bottle of Jack right there and I... I sort of wanted to hurt myself, in a way..." he trailed off and I didn't know whether to hug him or smack him. So I did both. I whacked him in the shoulder and then leaned forward and squeezed him tight.
"I don't ever want you to think like that again! Bam, I love you too much to lose you, it would literally kill me," I'd spoken without thinking, but stiffened upon realising what I'd just divulged. I pulled away from him and saw that he was grinning.
"You love me? Aw Ville, that's so sweet!" I could tell he was joking and I didn't know whether to be relieved or devestated. I decided then and there that I had to tell him. The idea of being so close to him and not telling him was agony, living it would be worse.
"Um... Bam I think there's something we should talk about..."
A/N: * dodges heavy objects* I know, another cliff-hanger!! Seriously though, I know you guys love them (deep down). Please comment guys, coz comments are my motivation to write!!