Suicide, Maybe? 12/15
I don’t even take five steps before I’m enveloped into a warm embrace. Instantly my body relaxes for a moment as the smell that is so distinctly Mrs. Listings surrounds me. My mind goes back to the days where the two of us would spend hours together, either talking about stupid stuff or not talking at all. She was the first person to actually treat me like a real person and not an item or a burden to be dealt with.
“Finally! You are too skinny! My goodness it looks like you don’t eat anything, just skin and bones. Your hair! Got tired of spending hours in front of the mirror with that lion’s mane you loved?” She rambles on without a single breath taken; all I can do is just laugh and hug her tight for a second.
“I’m fine. This is Tom,” I say with a soft smile as I motion over to the driver side where he is just standing there with some kind of soft look on his face. I’m not sure what that look is for but my attention is quickly diverted when I hear a rather pathetic sounding mewl come from the car.
“W-what is that?” Mrs. Listings asks with a stutter as she quickly looks around for the source of the noise.
Looking over I see that Tom has already opened the backdoor with Kashmir’s travel carrier in his hand. My lips lift up as I watch her pathetic pawing at the door as she looks at me beseechingly.
“Aww, poor thing is being kept captive? Bill! What is the gorgeous beast doing in this cage! I know I taught you better than that!” Mrs. Listings says going from one moment cooing over the cat to laying into me about inhumane treatment.
All I can do is let out the laugh that I felt bubbling up, “Sure thing Mrs. Listings.” I tell her with a soft smile before I make my way over to Tom who is still standing rather unhelpfully with the carrier in his hand. Shaking my head at him, I simply unlatch the door and Kashmir just bolts out of the carrier without a second look.
“Don’t come looking for me when you get lost Kashmir.” I tell to the cat’s waving tail as she makes her way out of the garage.
“I’m going to head upstairs to my room. These two guys can get the luggage figured out.” I tell her simply without a backward glance before I make my way into the only building I have ever considered a home for any length of time. The moment I step foot into the kitchen I can feel a sudden shift in the atmosphere, glancing around I see why.
A few of the older women from the neighborhood are seating around the kitchen bar with coffee. They all simultaneously look at me and I can already feel the looks and can only imagine what’s going to be said the moment I leave.
“Hello ladies.” I tell them simply with a small wave before I make my way to the stairs and to the blessing quite of my once bedroom.
Opening the door of the room, I am taken aback by how much of the room has not changed. It honestly looks exactly how I left it.
I push myself past these feelings and just sit down on the clean smelling bed. Looks like Mrs. Listings comes in and does the sheets often enough and air’s out the room because it almost seems as if I just walked out for a moment.
The next thing I’m aware of is a sudden noise at the closed door. I pull myself up and open the door to see Tom standing before me bags slung all over his body. All I can do is just quirk an eyebrow up at him before stepping back and allowing him to come into the room.
“Don’t say a word Bill!” Tom mutters as he dumps all of the various bags onto the floor before turning around to look at me. Whatever was on my face causes him to close his mouth on what he was about to say and he just simply walks to me and wraps me up in his arms.
I really should push him away. I really should kick him out of my room. I really need to go to the bathroom and see if all of my hidden items are still hidden. But I don’t do any of those things. All I do is simply fall into the warmth he is offering me and allow his strength to keep me safe for a few moments.
The silence that descended upon us was effectively shattered by the loud knock on my door followed by a few soft knocks.
‘Damnit!’ I think to myself as I extract myself from Tom’s embrace and open the door for the second time. Georg and Gustav are standing before me.
“What do you want?” I ask them both with a raised eyebrow and a hand on my hip. I have never liked for my silence to be disrupted and Georg certainly should know this for the length of time I lived with him.
“Mom just wanted me to let you know dinner with be ready in an hour or so.” Georg says with a shrug and I can see him trying to look into my room.
“Alright, thanks Geo. Now you can go.” I tell him with a wave of my hand as I try and shut the door but the movement is aborted by Georg.
“Are you okay Bill?” He asks me quietly as he continues to dart his eyes into my darkened room to see what’s beyond.
I let out a huff of air in annoyance, “Geo, I am perfectly fine. Now will you please leave me alone and go entertain Gustav so I don’t have to.” I tell him as I motion to Tom’s brother who seems to be watching us with rapt attention, “after all the help he gave us, I’m sure the least you can do is getting him out of my hair until dinner.” I throw in at the end which gives me my desired effect of watching him go pale before his eyes dart over to the cop and then back over to me.
“You’re an utter bitch,” Georg tells me simply as I watch his hands shake before he runs one through his hair, a nervous habit I think he picked up from me.
“Thank you for that wonderful compliment.” I reply with sarcasm lacing my words but the next thing out of my mouth is stopped by Tom’s warm hand on my shoulder blade.
“I’m sure we can all due with some quite time before dinner after our rather eventful drive up. We’ll be up here getting our stuff situated. See you guys later.” Tom tells them both softly before closing the door and gathering me back into his arms.
“Thank you” I say softly into his shoulder, kind of hoping he doesn’t hear but when he suddenly tightens his arms around me, I know that he did hear me.
Nothing more was said until we left the confines of my room and descended into the utter chaos of dinner. Many of the older women were staying for dinner and some family has already arrived for the holiday.
~*~*~*~
I can’t take this anymore! Those stares, looks, and blatant questions that all lets me know quiet clearly what they think of me. I am the charity case that won’t go away.
Tom is passed out in a food coma on my bed. Gustav and Georg are somewhere, I don’t really care. Mrs. Listings gave me a bottle of pills that I apparently left here when I left.
“Honey, do you need any of your meds? I still have some that you left behind.”
I just take the bottle without telling her that I stopped taking everything I was on. Not a single pill has been passed my lips in over a year. Looking down at the bottle in my hand, the label reads “Must be taken with water. A full nights rest is required. Do not operate machinery without supervision.” I know that if I take five of these little white pills, I’ll sleep eternally without the itch consuming my life.
One more look but I carefully place the clear orange bottle on the counter before I look into the mirror before me. The bathroom really is exactly how I left it with obvious signs of cleaning but nothing is missing or out of place. I know if I look in the little slot behind the mirror I will find a razor and a compact mirror still nudged securely.
I don’t get them out though. I have my own razor that has been burning an outline into my wrist for most of the car drive and the entire time I’ve been in this house.
Without much thought or even a second glance behind me into the dark room where Tom is sleeping, I pull off the black wrist guard and carefully extract the straight razor. The clean metal gleams happily under the soft lighting of the bathroom. I can’t help but smile; it’s almost as if I am getting reacquainted with a long-time friend. I don’t really know what that’s like but I’m sure it would feel like this.
I place the razor very carefully down on the counter with a gentle caress down the blade before I meticulously take off every single one of my bracelets and wraps that are on both of my wrists. I put them in a pile on top of the toilet tank.
The itch is now a pounding pulse. It feels as if it knows it’s so close. My hands are now shaking with the fierce pulsing. I stop myself and take a deep breath so I can collect myself. I need a calm mind for me to allow the itch to be sated. I’ve learned that if I allow the itch to overtake my body then things can get bloody and dangerous.
My hands now steady, I reach for the razor; tracing soft patterns on my skin, allowing time for the blade to warm up. I can feel a thrill run down my spine with the knowledge of what’s to come.
My left wrist is held out with the pale underside bare. I can clearly see the blue vein jutting out, covered with scars. Each of these scars has a reason for being. I remember why each and every one of them is there, what caused them and when they became a part of my body.
A soft smile comes over my lips as I slowly slide the sharp blade across a piece of unmarked flesh. The slight sting of the flesh giving way to the blade feels better than smoking a cigarette. The sink becomes decorated in such pretty designs of the red liquid that is purging the itch from my body. I shake myself out of my stupor and take the same razor in hand, it makes me sad to see the designs get disrupted but I also know the designs made by both arms will be even better than just one.
I pull the now red razor across the other arm, matching exactly the previous cut. The sting this time is duller but the sudden feeling of release is the same. That feeling never changes.
My arms are both held outstretched over the sink, the red liquid is much thicker now and the designs are so entrancing. I can feel my body become boneless, as if I just had the best orgasm combined with having the best cigarette at the same time.
The itch has disappeared now, gone dormant in whatever part of my body that it inhabits. I can feel like I can finally breathe freely.
I don’t know how long I stood at the sink watching the designs in this softly lit bathroom, clad in only my briefs and a tank top but I get pulled back into myself sharply by a sudden shake of my shoulders.
“Huh?” I ask slowly and I can still feel the soft smile on my lips. Turning my head to look over my shoulder, Tom is standing right behind me with wide eyes just staring.
“Go back to bed, I’ll be there soon.” I tell him softly as I sag forward against the counter, my arms still held out over the sink. The designs have slowed down and now seem more like a slowly rolling lake instead of the ever changing designs I adore to watch.
I let out a huff with annoyance but I know not to do it again. The last time I did it more than once, I almost nicked an artery. I don’t have the same focus after the first release.
“Damn” I mutter but crouch down and slowly open the cabinet under the sink. The first aide box is exactly where it always has been. I slowly grab it and put it on the counter. I know to move slowly, because if not it will just be more painful and that isn’t why I do this.
“L-let me-me do th-that for you.” Tom suddenly says, startling me as I had forgotten he was here.
Looking back, I see that he is right behind me with his hands outstretched which cause me to just roll my eyes. “If you must,” I simply tell him and move to the side so he can reach the box.
“Y-yea I must. Sit down and keep your palms up.” He says and the last part is said with a stronger voice and not that stuttering voice he was using. Tom has always been so sure in his speaking; it is a little unnerving to hear him sound so unsure.
“Yea, yea, I know how it’s done.” I reply annoyed now but I follow his instructions and watch him. He looks so focused on his task as I watch him gather the gauze, antiseptic, and even some tube that I don’t remember having ever bought.
Tom comes over to me, placing each item down carefully and never once looks up at me. Somehow I knew that this would happen if he saw me. I don’t feel caught because I’m not doing anything wrong. This is just something that needs to be done in private with only me and my reflection as a witness.
The itch won’t come back yet, I just let it out.
I feel his calloused hands on my pale arm as he carefully cleans the cut before just as carefully wrapping the gauze around my arm. He tightens it just enough for it to be effective and then tapes it with some gauze tape he apparently found in the box which I also don’t remember having ever bought.
He does the same thing to my other arm with the same careful, gentle gestures.
I look at him and see that he is slowly chewing on his lip ring with his brow furrowed in thought.
“Done,” he simply states before packing the box back up and putting it back under the counter.
I nod and get up from the toilet. I look down at the sink and see that the red liquid has run its course and now just see rivulets that look pink instead of the beautiful, deep, life giving red color that I love looking at.
Without even thinking about it, I turn the sink on and allow the last of the liquid get washed away by the water. The razor is still sitting on the counter gleaming red under the light. I reach around Tom, grab it, and hold it under the still running water watching the last of the red disappear quickly under the running water. Besides a smudge of red on the counter, everything has been cleaned.
I finally look up and see that Tom is watching me with a wary look on his face that I don’t think I’ve ever seen on him before.
Not letting it bother me, I grab a few pieces of toilet paper and quickly wipe the last of the mess up and throw it into the toilet.
“Come to bed.” Tom quietly says before putting an arm around my shoulders and guiding me into the cool, dark room. The last of the light is shut off by Tom when he passes by the switch in the bathroom. Darkness now surrounds us completely.
He leans around me and pulls down my side of the bed before pushing me down onto the bed gently. I allow this and don’t protest his actions.
Letting out a sigh of resignation, I put myself under the covers and lay on my side not facing him. I can feel the throbbing sting from my wrists and know that I can now deal with the rest of this damn holiday.
Before I drift off to sleep, I feel Tom scoot up against my back and wrap a strong arm around my waist and pull me against his chest. The warmth soaks into my cold body and quickly lulls me to sleep faster.
~*~*~*~
So what do ya think?
Chapter 13
“Finally! You are too skinny! My goodness it looks like you don’t eat anything, just skin and bones. Your hair! Got tired of spending hours in front of the mirror with that lion’s mane you loved?” She rambles on without a single breath taken; all I can do is just laugh and hug her tight for a second.
“I’m fine. This is Tom,” I say with a soft smile as I motion over to the driver side where he is just standing there with some kind of soft look on his face. I’m not sure what that look is for but my attention is quickly diverted when I hear a rather pathetic sounding mewl come from the car.
“W-what is that?” Mrs. Listings asks with a stutter as she quickly looks around for the source of the noise.
Looking over I see that Tom has already opened the backdoor with Kashmir’s travel carrier in his hand. My lips lift up as I watch her pathetic pawing at the door as she looks at me beseechingly.
“Aww, poor thing is being kept captive? Bill! What is the gorgeous beast doing in this cage! I know I taught you better than that!” Mrs. Listings says going from one moment cooing over the cat to laying into me about inhumane treatment.
All I can do is let out the laugh that I felt bubbling up, “Sure thing Mrs. Listings.” I tell her with a soft smile before I make my way over to Tom who is still standing rather unhelpfully with the carrier in his hand. Shaking my head at him, I simply unlatch the door and Kashmir just bolts out of the carrier without a second look.
“Don’t come looking for me when you get lost Kashmir.” I tell to the cat’s waving tail as she makes her way out of the garage.
“I’m going to head upstairs to my room. These two guys can get the luggage figured out.” I tell her simply without a backward glance before I make my way into the only building I have ever considered a home for any length of time. The moment I step foot into the kitchen I can feel a sudden shift in the atmosphere, glancing around I see why.
A few of the older women from the neighborhood are seating around the kitchen bar with coffee. They all simultaneously look at me and I can already feel the looks and can only imagine what’s going to be said the moment I leave.
“Hello ladies.” I tell them simply with a small wave before I make my way to the stairs and to the blessing quite of my once bedroom.
Opening the door of the room, I am taken aback by how much of the room has not changed. It honestly looks exactly how I left it.
I push myself past these feelings and just sit down on the clean smelling bed. Looks like Mrs. Listings comes in and does the sheets often enough and air’s out the room because it almost seems as if I just walked out for a moment.
The next thing I’m aware of is a sudden noise at the closed door. I pull myself up and open the door to see Tom standing before me bags slung all over his body. All I can do is just quirk an eyebrow up at him before stepping back and allowing him to come into the room.
“Don’t say a word Bill!” Tom mutters as he dumps all of the various bags onto the floor before turning around to look at me. Whatever was on my face causes him to close his mouth on what he was about to say and he just simply walks to me and wraps me up in his arms.
I really should push him away. I really should kick him out of my room. I really need to go to the bathroom and see if all of my hidden items are still hidden. But I don’t do any of those things. All I do is simply fall into the warmth he is offering me and allow his strength to keep me safe for a few moments.
The silence that descended upon us was effectively shattered by the loud knock on my door followed by a few soft knocks.
‘Damnit!’ I think to myself as I extract myself from Tom’s embrace and open the door for the second time. Georg and Gustav are standing before me.
“What do you want?” I ask them both with a raised eyebrow and a hand on my hip. I have never liked for my silence to be disrupted and Georg certainly should know this for the length of time I lived with him.
“Mom just wanted me to let you know dinner with be ready in an hour or so.” Georg says with a shrug and I can see him trying to look into my room.
“Alright, thanks Geo. Now you can go.” I tell him with a wave of my hand as I try and shut the door but the movement is aborted by Georg.
“Are you okay Bill?” He asks me quietly as he continues to dart his eyes into my darkened room to see what’s beyond.
I let out a huff of air in annoyance, “Geo, I am perfectly fine. Now will you please leave me alone and go entertain Gustav so I don’t have to.” I tell him as I motion to Tom’s brother who seems to be watching us with rapt attention, “after all the help he gave us, I’m sure the least you can do is getting him out of my hair until dinner.” I throw in at the end which gives me my desired effect of watching him go pale before his eyes dart over to the cop and then back over to me.
“You’re an utter bitch,” Georg tells me simply as I watch his hands shake before he runs one through his hair, a nervous habit I think he picked up from me.
“Thank you for that wonderful compliment.” I reply with sarcasm lacing my words but the next thing out of my mouth is stopped by Tom’s warm hand on my shoulder blade.
“I’m sure we can all due with some quite time before dinner after our rather eventful drive up. We’ll be up here getting our stuff situated. See you guys later.” Tom tells them both softly before closing the door and gathering me back into his arms.
“Thank you” I say softly into his shoulder, kind of hoping he doesn’t hear but when he suddenly tightens his arms around me, I know that he did hear me.
Nothing more was said until we left the confines of my room and descended into the utter chaos of dinner. Many of the older women were staying for dinner and some family has already arrived for the holiday.
~*~*~*~
I can’t take this anymore! Those stares, looks, and blatant questions that all lets me know quiet clearly what they think of me. I am the charity case that won’t go away.
Tom is passed out in a food coma on my bed. Gustav and Georg are somewhere, I don’t really care. Mrs. Listings gave me a bottle of pills that I apparently left here when I left.
“Honey, do you need any of your meds? I still have some that you left behind.”
I just take the bottle without telling her that I stopped taking everything I was on. Not a single pill has been passed my lips in over a year. Looking down at the bottle in my hand, the label reads “Must be taken with water. A full nights rest is required. Do not operate machinery without supervision.” I know that if I take five of these little white pills, I’ll sleep eternally without the itch consuming my life.
One more look but I carefully place the clear orange bottle on the counter before I look into the mirror before me. The bathroom really is exactly how I left it with obvious signs of cleaning but nothing is missing or out of place. I know if I look in the little slot behind the mirror I will find a razor and a compact mirror still nudged securely.
I don’t get them out though. I have my own razor that has been burning an outline into my wrist for most of the car drive and the entire time I’ve been in this house.
Without much thought or even a second glance behind me into the dark room where Tom is sleeping, I pull off the black wrist guard and carefully extract the straight razor. The clean metal gleams happily under the soft lighting of the bathroom. I can’t help but smile; it’s almost as if I am getting reacquainted with a long-time friend. I don’t really know what that’s like but I’m sure it would feel like this.
I place the razor very carefully down on the counter with a gentle caress down the blade before I meticulously take off every single one of my bracelets and wraps that are on both of my wrists. I put them in a pile on top of the toilet tank.
The itch is now a pounding pulse. It feels as if it knows it’s so close. My hands are now shaking with the fierce pulsing. I stop myself and take a deep breath so I can collect myself. I need a calm mind for me to allow the itch to be sated. I’ve learned that if I allow the itch to overtake my body then things can get bloody and dangerous.
My hands now steady, I reach for the razor; tracing soft patterns on my skin, allowing time for the blade to warm up. I can feel a thrill run down my spine with the knowledge of what’s to come.
My left wrist is held out with the pale underside bare. I can clearly see the blue vein jutting out, covered with scars. Each of these scars has a reason for being. I remember why each and every one of them is there, what caused them and when they became a part of my body.
A soft smile comes over my lips as I slowly slide the sharp blade across a piece of unmarked flesh. The slight sting of the flesh giving way to the blade feels better than smoking a cigarette. The sink becomes decorated in such pretty designs of the red liquid that is purging the itch from my body. I shake myself out of my stupor and take the same razor in hand, it makes me sad to see the designs get disrupted but I also know the designs made by both arms will be even better than just one.
I pull the now red razor across the other arm, matching exactly the previous cut. The sting this time is duller but the sudden feeling of release is the same. That feeling never changes.
My arms are both held outstretched over the sink, the red liquid is much thicker now and the designs are so entrancing. I can feel my body become boneless, as if I just had the best orgasm combined with having the best cigarette at the same time.
The itch has disappeared now, gone dormant in whatever part of my body that it inhabits. I can feel like I can finally breathe freely.
I don’t know how long I stood at the sink watching the designs in this softly lit bathroom, clad in only my briefs and a tank top but I get pulled back into myself sharply by a sudden shake of my shoulders.
“Huh?” I ask slowly and I can still feel the soft smile on my lips. Turning my head to look over my shoulder, Tom is standing right behind me with wide eyes just staring.
“Go back to bed, I’ll be there soon.” I tell him softly as I sag forward against the counter, my arms still held out over the sink. The designs have slowed down and now seem more like a slowly rolling lake instead of the ever changing designs I adore to watch.
I let out a huff with annoyance but I know not to do it again. The last time I did it more than once, I almost nicked an artery. I don’t have the same focus after the first release.
“Damn” I mutter but crouch down and slowly open the cabinet under the sink. The first aide box is exactly where it always has been. I slowly grab it and put it on the counter. I know to move slowly, because if not it will just be more painful and that isn’t why I do this.
“L-let me-me do th-that for you.” Tom suddenly says, startling me as I had forgotten he was here.
Looking back, I see that he is right behind me with his hands outstretched which cause me to just roll my eyes. “If you must,” I simply tell him and move to the side so he can reach the box.
“Y-yea I must. Sit down and keep your palms up.” He says and the last part is said with a stronger voice and not that stuttering voice he was using. Tom has always been so sure in his speaking; it is a little unnerving to hear him sound so unsure.
“Yea, yea, I know how it’s done.” I reply annoyed now but I follow his instructions and watch him. He looks so focused on his task as I watch him gather the gauze, antiseptic, and even some tube that I don’t remember having ever bought.
Tom comes over to me, placing each item down carefully and never once looks up at me. Somehow I knew that this would happen if he saw me. I don’t feel caught because I’m not doing anything wrong. This is just something that needs to be done in private with only me and my reflection as a witness.
The itch won’t come back yet, I just let it out.
I feel his calloused hands on my pale arm as he carefully cleans the cut before just as carefully wrapping the gauze around my arm. He tightens it just enough for it to be effective and then tapes it with some gauze tape he apparently found in the box which I also don’t remember having ever bought.
He does the same thing to my other arm with the same careful, gentle gestures.
I look at him and see that he is slowly chewing on his lip ring with his brow furrowed in thought.
“Done,” he simply states before packing the box back up and putting it back under the counter.
I nod and get up from the toilet. I look down at the sink and see that the red liquid has run its course and now just see rivulets that look pink instead of the beautiful, deep, life giving red color that I love looking at.
Without even thinking about it, I turn the sink on and allow the last of the liquid get washed away by the water. The razor is still sitting on the counter gleaming red under the light. I reach around Tom, grab it, and hold it under the still running water watching the last of the red disappear quickly under the running water. Besides a smudge of red on the counter, everything has been cleaned.
I finally look up and see that Tom is watching me with a wary look on his face that I don’t think I’ve ever seen on him before.
Not letting it bother me, I grab a few pieces of toilet paper and quickly wipe the last of the mess up and throw it into the toilet.
“Come to bed.” Tom quietly says before putting an arm around my shoulders and guiding me into the cool, dark room. The last of the light is shut off by Tom when he passes by the switch in the bathroom. Darkness now surrounds us completely.
He leans around me and pulls down my side of the bed before pushing me down onto the bed gently. I allow this and don’t protest his actions.
Letting out a sigh of resignation, I put myself under the covers and lay on my side not facing him. I can feel the throbbing sting from my wrists and know that I can now deal with the rest of this damn holiday.
Before I drift off to sleep, I feel Tom scoot up against my back and wrap a strong arm around my waist and pull me against his chest. The warmth soaks into my cold body and quickly lulls me to sleep faster.
~*~*~*~
So what do ya think?
Chapter 13