(no subject)
So Ben has been trying to reach my best friend Mousie for awhile. Mousie had long ago decided she didn't want to remain friends with Ben. Ever since my break up with him I had numerous opportunities to throw him under the bus. I did everything but. I sat by his side in the hospital, putting our differences behind us so that I could be there with him. Later, when I saw he wasn't visiting his family as often as they would have liked, I broke up a very close friendship with his sister in law in hopes that he would start coming to the family dinners, without having to deal with me. I really loved Monica. But wanted to do what I could to make things better for her family. They had been through so much already.
I let him move in with me when he was broke and his credit was screwed, so he could save on rent money and build up his credit. I did his laundry. I cooked for him. I even, on occasion allowed him to use my body for a venue to release. I picked him up in the middle of the night when he would be too drunk and stranded at some chicks house or some bar or club in the city. I sat up all night with him on those nights where his depression kicked in and the alcohol took over. I drove him to work.
I knew when he tried to commit suicide that the rumor that he had forced himself onto a girl at a party was true, because he had done the exact same thing to me only a few months before.
I never said this to anyone.
I was so afraid that if I let people know, that they would hate him. And if they hated him, he'd try suicide again. And it would all be my fault.
He asked me when we were together what my view on sex before marriage was.
I told him that I believed that as long as the couple were meant to be together forever, that it was okay. If they were already talking about marriage, then I could see it as ok. I told him I would lose my virginity to the first guy I saw myself being with forever. His reply was, "Well, it would be okay for us then, right?"
I was in love for the first time in my life.
I never fit in with the Christian virgins in my school. So I didn't wear my virginity on my sleeve like they did. It wasn't about G-d. Not really. It was that I respected myself. All my boyfriends in school were with me for a few months and then they were with other girls. Relationships lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months max. I just couldn't see how sex was a good idea in that situation. I wanted to feel loved. Ben and I had loved each other for two years before I let him have me. He said he expected us to be together forever so it made sense for us to make love. And I will never forget that night as long as I live.
2 months later, Ben was drunk, pushed himself on top of me and fucked me against my will. I will never forget that night as long as I live either.
For five years I couldn't 'come out' with this information. I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong. I always thought it was so weird when victims would come out and people would talk about how hard it was for them. I thought, how silly! They were obviously abused, people have to understand that.
Until now, I had no idea how hard coming out really was.
It's the hardest thing I think I could be going through right now.
My brother is torn up. And no one has told Ben yet. But today he emailed Mousie asking why she was mad at him. she told him she wasnt mad, but he had just been so rude and so flaky in their relationship that she was just over it.
He then said, I hope this isn't the doing of Rachel. You know how she tends to blow things out of proportion to cause drama.
The only people in my life that know about the rape are Mousie my brother and his fiance.
Apparently Ben must remember. Why else would he throw that sentence into his email. Now, after he and I hadn't talked for five years.
All of the sudden, certain friends are not talking to him and he immediately assumes that it's because of me.
I have never been the drama queen of our group. I did everything I could to make our break up NOT affect the group. Apparently he has a guilty conscious.
And that really frightens me because the only thing that has been getting me through this period in my life has been the belief that Ben was so drunk that night that he probably didn't even remember what happened. That he was so drunk it wasn't really him. The worst thing is no matter how much he hurt me, I do not seek retribution. I just need to heal from this and don't exactly know how.
But how dare he throw me under the bus.
What a sorry person he is.
I had been telling myself that no matter what he has changed. He doesn't drink anymore, he's married...he is a changed man. But that hateful email to Mouse makes it pretty apparent that he is just a bad man.
I wish I weren't sober. Maybe if I still drank I could just drown these memories. He seems to do it so well, so why can't I?
I let him move in with me when he was broke and his credit was screwed, so he could save on rent money and build up his credit. I did his laundry. I cooked for him. I even, on occasion allowed him to use my body for a venue to release. I picked him up in the middle of the night when he would be too drunk and stranded at some chicks house or some bar or club in the city. I sat up all night with him on those nights where his depression kicked in and the alcohol took over. I drove him to work.
I knew when he tried to commit suicide that the rumor that he had forced himself onto a girl at a party was true, because he had done the exact same thing to me only a few months before.
I never said this to anyone.
I was so afraid that if I let people know, that they would hate him. And if they hated him, he'd try suicide again. And it would all be my fault.
He asked me when we were together what my view on sex before marriage was.
I told him that I believed that as long as the couple were meant to be together forever, that it was okay. If they were already talking about marriage, then I could see it as ok. I told him I would lose my virginity to the first guy I saw myself being with forever. His reply was, "Well, it would be okay for us then, right?"
I was in love for the first time in my life.
I never fit in with the Christian virgins in my school. So I didn't wear my virginity on my sleeve like they did. It wasn't about G-d. Not really. It was that I respected myself. All my boyfriends in school were with me for a few months and then they were with other girls. Relationships lasted anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months max. I just couldn't see how sex was a good idea in that situation. I wanted to feel loved. Ben and I had loved each other for two years before I let him have me. He said he expected us to be together forever so it made sense for us to make love. And I will never forget that night as long as I live.
2 months later, Ben was drunk, pushed himself on top of me and fucked me against my will. I will never forget that night as long as I live either.
For five years I couldn't 'come out' with this information. I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong. I always thought it was so weird when victims would come out and people would talk about how hard it was for them. I thought, how silly! They were obviously abused, people have to understand that.
Until now, I had no idea how hard coming out really was.
It's the hardest thing I think I could be going through right now.
My brother is torn up. And no one has told Ben yet. But today he emailed Mousie asking why she was mad at him. she told him she wasnt mad, but he had just been so rude and so flaky in their relationship that she was just over it.
He then said, I hope this isn't the doing of Rachel. You know how she tends to blow things out of proportion to cause drama.
The only people in my life that know about the rape are Mousie my brother and his fiance.
Apparently Ben must remember. Why else would he throw that sentence into his email. Now, after he and I hadn't talked for five years.
All of the sudden, certain friends are not talking to him and he immediately assumes that it's because of me.
I have never been the drama queen of our group. I did everything I could to make our break up NOT affect the group. Apparently he has a guilty conscious.
And that really frightens me because the only thing that has been getting me through this period in my life has been the belief that Ben was so drunk that night that he probably didn't even remember what happened. That he was so drunk it wasn't really him. The worst thing is no matter how much he hurt me, I do not seek retribution. I just need to heal from this and don't exactly know how.
But how dare he throw me under the bus.
What a sorry person he is.
I had been telling myself that no matter what he has changed. He doesn't drink anymore, he's married...he is a changed man. But that hateful email to Mouse makes it pretty apparent that he is just a bad man.
I wish I weren't sober. Maybe if I still drank I could just drown these memories. He seems to do it so well, so why can't I?