My life so far...
Well, I have been a good time here in Hungary. It is good because it provides both an escape and excuse for my problems/inabilities back in the United States. I really love studying politics because it is like an escape. My own personal problems shrink to indifference when we discuss issues like genocide and combating mass starvation and poverty or terrorism. But it is also depressing because you see how brutishly man can behave it his nieghbors and how logically it is explained and matter of fact many professors here and back home discuss it. But it's true its matter of fact because it will happen again and again and again long after I am dead and buried. Plus my Hobbesian approach doesn't help this much either. I think you really become a nihilist when studying politics and just begin thinking whatever. One day I will be a part of this system and I may advocate war or undermining of another country/its people. Oh well I guess I will just have to let God judge and be satisfied with that. I also love being here because I have escaped the sappiness of many of my friends. Many of them are now engaged to be married or some assumption of it. Another is even dating, at least in my opinion, a much older man. I glad I do not have to deal with this and I am thinking about extending my stay in Budapest to avoid having to go to the Weddings. It's weird because being here I have discovered my roots. My family may be Hungarian but I am an American. American History is my history and I am fucking proud of it. Yes I do feel a connection here but I long for America. Where yes George Washington did fight for me and thousands died in resistance of British domination. I feel closer to them now then to the history of Hungary. Here if you are not Hungarian, you are an outsider or an invader even. You are glared at because you are clearly not Hungarian and some people don't like it. Don't take this to mean Hungarians are mean because that is far from the case. I think this is a common practice among Europe and I don't like it. America is great because any can be American. If you believe people should have freedom then you are an American it doesn't matter what language you speak or how you look. It is a fantastic affair. Many here scoff at Americans thinking we are uneducated and dumb. However it could be argued that many are just as ignorant s they perceive us to be. They even joked here about 9/11, which infuriated me and this occurred in a classroom here. I remarked that I was greatly offended because it isn't funny when people are murdered. I guess killing is funny here in Europe but it isn't in the US. No one jokes about it. When all the killing was going on in the former Yugoslavia I didn't joke about all "those stupid Bosnian Muslims that were slaughtered and how they got what we deserved." I am glad that in the US we are appalled by such doings. Ok so maybe there were some jokes but never were they made in a classroom or in serious discussion. I don't think at least many of the students here really understand the United States and I don't feel sorry for them because the system here has really made their brains incapable of understanding it. Sometimes I think it is hard to see the greatness behind the USA until you spend time here and I am sure my longing for her will only grow as time continues to pass here. She has given me a great life so far and I will forever be in her debt for it. and God how I miss Newport. I really don't think there is a nicer place in the USA. I miss late evenings outside New Breakers happily buzzed with a cigar in my mouth surrounded by friends and with the ocean adding that final perfect touch. It is such a surreal dream for me now. Wonderful it really was and I cannot wait to return to Newport. It is weird I have always lived near the ocean and have taken it for granted. However, I miss her by my side here. The night is not the same without the cool sea breeze or hearing the laugther of her surf against the shore. What I would give to hear it again. Oh don't worry I am not done yet. I do not miss Salve however. Oh I miss the friends I made there, I miss the professors who I learned so much from (esp Dr. Merrill and Prof Giannakos). It was weird here because it was like I almost assumed they would be my professors here yet again and they are not and it saddens me. I think I will have to return to visit them. Well now why don't I miss Salve? That is an easy one because it destroyed my hopes and innocence towards people. I am sure I did not always act in the best manner. But I can see one face very clearly who ruined me. Now my hopes lay ashen somewhere in my soul. I remember how wonderful it seemed in the beginning but now I can trace my downfall through the years. I can see every twist and turn of it; my mistakes as well as others. It repulses me truly. Now I am changed, I have adapted. I don't like what I am now. I think I was a better person when I arrived at Salve then when I left it. You know I got side tracked and lost my thought but this is more then enough for now. I am sure i will bore with other thoughts swimming through my mind at another time.