What Takes You Back [Milliways]
When she says that Iroh might not survive the journey home -- Zuko's decision to stay in Ba Sing Se evaporates like the sea spray. He found himself on the ship, contemplating the clothing that he must don, the knot he will wear again, and the man in the brig's last words. Azula must know that he prowls the ship at night, beneath the light of the moon (What was her name, that princess that died for the spirit? Uncle told him -- Yue, wasn't it?) and sometimes Mai is with him and sometimes he is alone.
It's not until they've been on the sea a week that he realizes he hasn't thought about Stephanie once since the Avatar fell. Oh, certainly -- before that, he thought of a lot of people; the Wells family, Ana, Ryan in the forge, the bear Iorek, sometimes even Rachel -- but Stephanie was always there.
He doesn't feel any guilt. It was, he realizes, why they broke up -- he knew someday, something like this might happen. Oh, maybe not Mai; Jin, perhaps, if he had lived that Ba Sing Se life. But certainly, there were things he wanted that -- couldn't be had, really, in that place beyond time and space; not just his father's regard, but all that came with living and dying on his side of the world: a family, honor, duty, glory... All the things he had a chance to have as he should have had them right now; they were just beyond his grip, but getting closer, closer...
But--
There was something missing. Even now, going home, he felt something cold. A stone in his stomach, weighing it down. It stopped him from feeling the flip-flop of joy in his belly, the sudden tingle of rapture when they sighted the crescent isles in the distance. It did not really make him happy to come home, and he couldn't place his finger on why.
All the same, a prince's reception was his -- a crown, the royal armor in the newest style; announcements, cheers of his people; Your prince returned! and they screamed for him, his name rippling out across the courtyards, through the streets! His people were happy for him! They were so happy to hear him returned, lauded his name! Young women rushed the cavavan, followed his palanquin!
But there was nothing said by his father for the first day. He did not see Zuko; he let him stew -- stew so badly that when he found that one of the servant's doors lead to Milliway's -- he could see it beyond it, every time he opened the damn thing -- he did not go to the Bar. He did not know what to say, who to see -- so he just let the door stay shut and waited through the night; he was not certain he could go face Milliways and stop time here, not yet get the verdict; was he really welcomed home by the one most important? Was he really, truly, their prince returned?
Or was this just the calm before the storm?
It's not until they've been on the sea a week that he realizes he hasn't thought about Stephanie once since the Avatar fell. Oh, certainly -- before that, he thought of a lot of people; the Wells family, Ana, Ryan in the forge, the bear Iorek, sometimes even Rachel -- but Stephanie was always there.
He doesn't feel any guilt. It was, he realizes, why they broke up -- he knew someday, something like this might happen. Oh, maybe not Mai; Jin, perhaps, if he had lived that Ba Sing Se life. But certainly, there were things he wanted that -- couldn't be had, really, in that place beyond time and space; not just his father's regard, but all that came with living and dying on his side of the world: a family, honor, duty, glory... All the things he had a chance to have as he should have had them right now; they were just beyond his grip, but getting closer, closer...
But--
There was something missing. Even now, going home, he felt something cold. A stone in his stomach, weighing it down. It stopped him from feeling the flip-flop of joy in his belly, the sudden tingle of rapture when they sighted the crescent isles in the distance. It did not really make him happy to come home, and he couldn't place his finger on why.
All the same, a prince's reception was his -- a crown, the royal armor in the newest style; announcements, cheers of his people; Your prince returned! and they screamed for him, his name rippling out across the courtyards, through the streets! His people were happy for him! They were so happy to hear him returned, lauded his name! Young women rushed the cavavan, followed his palanquin!
But there was nothing said by his father for the first day. He did not see Zuko; he let him stew -- stew so badly that when he found that one of the servant's doors lead to Milliway's -- he could see it beyond it, every time he opened the damn thing -- he did not go to the Bar. He did not know what to say, who to see -- so he just let the door stay shut and waited through the night; he was not certain he could go face Milliways and stop time here, not yet get the verdict; was he really welcomed home by the one most important? Was he really, truly, their prince returned?
Or was this just the calm before the storm?