Some deep introspection...
I always seem to think about the future or about how stuff has changed since high school. And how uncertain everything is.
How any day could come and someone I love could be taken away from me.
My mom told me that my dad is no dialysis for his kidneys and has been for some time, but they didn't tell me so that I would concentrate on my studies last semester.
Shit man, I always think about this stuff. How I feel sometimes like I should spend every moment that I can with my family because they won't be here all the time.
My little sister's high school graduation was yesterday, and this will be the first time since my parents have been married that they have an empty house. Five kids gone--I suppose there is a feeling of relief and possibly accomplishment that goes along with 4/5 children going to college and the one who didn't being a successful nurse. (even though that was from a difft marriage) But anyways...there is also an air of sadness that goes with it. It's also crazy when you look at people you used to hang with and shit. I feel like I haven't changed at all, except for a moustache and a bald head...I feel like I'm suck in neutral and everyone is i 4th gear. Being 20 like I said hit me like a ton of bricks, and i'm still feeling it. I mean I look at people in the entertainment industry who are 20 and some of them are successful already. But that's down the line, but everything just seems to creep up on you.
Shoot, I see people getting married that I grew up with and I think "man I aint ready for that shit."
It was crazy because I don't know when the next time will be that all of us stay together in the house (all five of us never actually lived in the house at one time) but like I said i just don't know when the next time all of the family is going to be together in the same place. Hashim in Cali, Tahirah in Kentucky, Taffye in Atl, Me and Faridah in Miami, and my parent's in Jax. It's crazy man. And I am saddened by it. I mean i love my family so much, despite the arguing and everything. And dang, all of us grown and about, it just happened so fast. Like yesterday I was just starting high school and now I'm a damn junior.
It's crazy because my grandfather said right before I left Miami, "where have my younger days gone" And shit I feel myself asking the same thing at 20. So it must go fast.
So I saw Dania and Meera at Sandalwood's graduation, Noura was graduating and they had come from Tampa, Jassim didn't come. And it was like I didn't have much to say or something. Like it's been 3 years since they've left and the last time they were here was my graduation and I dont think Meera even came. We don't talk much anymore, I think Dania is about to get married sometime soon and man it's like I lost time that I wish I could have back. Like you know how you haven't talked to someone fora while and you want to pick up the phone and talk to them, but you're afraid of something. You don't know what it is, it could be you're afraid that you'll have nothing to say, or that it'll be wierd, or that the person is going to be totally different than when you talked to them the last time. U just don't know.
So I went over Meera's place last night and we hung out for a while, but it was just different, I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but it wasn't the same. It could be that Jassim wasn't there (even though he's made major changes to himself as well-good ones) Or it could be that Dania is a "woman" now, like no playing around type thing-she's serious now man. Not saying it's bad or good, but just an observation. I told my usual fair amount of jokes and all of us laughed and everything, but like I said something just wasn't there like it was before, i guess that's what happens when you lose touch. Which I am good at, I'm not very good at keeping in touch with friends. I can do it with family, but for some reason not so much with freinds. And maybe that's why I feel a bit alone this summer, even though I've gone out very late almost every night.
Maybe it's time for me to "man up" so to speak, maybe I'm still stuck in this 12th grade wonderland, where I don't expect people to change because I think I haven't...Maybe it's time for me to be "mature" or make my change, but I just don't know what change that will be. I'm so lost...
How any day could come and someone I love could be taken away from me.
My mom told me that my dad is no dialysis for his kidneys and has been for some time, but they didn't tell me so that I would concentrate on my studies last semester.
Shit man, I always think about this stuff. How I feel sometimes like I should spend every moment that I can with my family because they won't be here all the time.
My little sister's high school graduation was yesterday, and this will be the first time since my parents have been married that they have an empty house. Five kids gone--I suppose there is a feeling of relief and possibly accomplishment that goes along with 4/5 children going to college and the one who didn't being a successful nurse. (even though that was from a difft marriage) But anyways...there is also an air of sadness that goes with it. It's also crazy when you look at people you used to hang with and shit. I feel like I haven't changed at all, except for a moustache and a bald head...I feel like I'm suck in neutral and everyone is i 4th gear. Being 20 like I said hit me like a ton of bricks, and i'm still feeling it. I mean I look at people in the entertainment industry who are 20 and some of them are successful already. But that's down the line, but everything just seems to creep up on you.
Shoot, I see people getting married that I grew up with and I think "man I aint ready for that shit."
It was crazy because I don't know when the next time will be that all of us stay together in the house (all five of us never actually lived in the house at one time) but like I said i just don't know when the next time all of the family is going to be together in the same place. Hashim in Cali, Tahirah in Kentucky, Taffye in Atl, Me and Faridah in Miami, and my parent's in Jax. It's crazy man. And I am saddened by it. I mean i love my family so much, despite the arguing and everything. And dang, all of us grown and about, it just happened so fast. Like yesterday I was just starting high school and now I'm a damn junior.
It's crazy because my grandfather said right before I left Miami, "where have my younger days gone" And shit I feel myself asking the same thing at 20. So it must go fast.
So I saw Dania and Meera at Sandalwood's graduation, Noura was graduating and they had come from Tampa, Jassim didn't come. And it was like I didn't have much to say or something. Like it's been 3 years since they've left and the last time they were here was my graduation and I dont think Meera even came. We don't talk much anymore, I think Dania is about to get married sometime soon and man it's like I lost time that I wish I could have back. Like you know how you haven't talked to someone fora while and you want to pick up the phone and talk to them, but you're afraid of something. You don't know what it is, it could be you're afraid that you'll have nothing to say, or that it'll be wierd, or that the person is going to be totally different than when you talked to them the last time. U just don't know.
So I went over Meera's place last night and we hung out for a while, but it was just different, I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but it wasn't the same. It could be that Jassim wasn't there (even though he's made major changes to himself as well-good ones) Or it could be that Dania is a "woman" now, like no playing around type thing-she's serious now man. Not saying it's bad or good, but just an observation. I told my usual fair amount of jokes and all of us laughed and everything, but like I said something just wasn't there like it was before, i guess that's what happens when you lose touch. Which I am good at, I'm not very good at keeping in touch with friends. I can do it with family, but for some reason not so much with freinds. And maybe that's why I feel a bit alone this summer, even though I've gone out very late almost every night.
Maybe it's time for me to "man up" so to speak, maybe I'm still stuck in this 12th grade wonderland, where I don't expect people to change because I think I haven't...Maybe it's time for me to be "mature" or make my change, but I just don't know what change that will be. I'm so lost...