this script is so hot it could make Janet Reno open up a paint can with her ding dong
Tonight I saw what was possibly the largest explosion I've ever encountered in real life. It was magnificent... and quite a life-affirming experience. See, I was lying in bed around 5 or 6 o'clock reading a book when Steve and Aisling came to my house. At first we engaged in what normally goes on whenever Steve and Aisling come to my house- they came into my bedroom and sat on Tim's bed which is next to mine, and stayed there and talked to me while I continued on what I was doing until I decide that I am tired of being in the same place while two other people are looking at me. And then, we went to Burger King. After that, my brother calls me and tells me to go to Jeff's house and so, we do. We get there and talk to Jeff while he fiddles with the inside of his car, waiting for TJ. When TJ arrives, we commence the night's activity of shooting things with Jeff's Air Rifle in his backyard.
We had been doing so for about twenty minutes when Jeff had an idea. So he and I go to his garage, where he pulls out a full can of white spraypaint, looks at it and says, "well, I don't really need this one". He proceeds to wrap the can up in a paper towel, which he secures with electrical tape, sprays the paper towel with something flammable and then turned to me and we were on our way to his backyard again. We get out there, and he places the can on a rather large rectangle of particle board lying on the ground on the very edge of the woods behind his house. He took a couple of steps back, looked around to make sure no one besides the five of us are around, pulled out the rifle and let out a single shot.
The can, the particle board and a fairly good part of the surrounding woods were immediatly engulfed in flames. A column of fire taller than Jeff rose into the trees and even more fire spread out and landed on the ground. Next thing I know I am down there next to Jeff stomping out little bits of fire on the ground in the woods while Steve, Aisling and TJ laugh hysterically in the background. After the blaze was extinguished, we promptly ran inside, grabbed our shit and left Jeff's house. We were pretty sure his next-door neighbors and much of the surrounding populous had seen the blast- that one moment of blazing glory which shone like a beacon to everyone around..... especially the police. So it was probably a good idea to leave the area for a little while. The scene of the crime if you will.
After that, we split up and Steve, Aisling and I went to Checkers and then took Aisling to her car at Roosevelt. She went home and then Steve and I went back to his house and watched some of Adult Swim. Which, might I add is apparently beating like every other channel in existence as far as ratings go. Not that Adult Swim is it's own channel (but it probably should be) but for some reason it gets rated seperately from the rest of Cartoon Network (which it beat out, along with MTV and Spike TV... and like I said, everything else. But you all probably know this. I'm not the only one that watches tv) While this all going on, Steve began to try and tell me why I should start reading the Harry Potter books.
He started talking about how cool the story was, how indepth the character development is, what a good writer the author is and so on and so on. He then holds up the most recent book and begins to tell me the story. All of it sounded somewhat intriguing. When he finished telling me the story he was still clenching this tome in his hands, and then says something along the lines of, "You really ought to read these books."
To which I replied, "Ain't no way you're going to get to read a book THAT thick. Let alone five of them."
And this remains to be my argument: If this J.K. Rowling wanted Matt Toohey to read her books, she wouldn't have made them so Goddamn long. And that's that.
Although, Steve did convince me to take the first book home and before I left I read the first chapter. Perhaps after I've finished with the zombie book and the hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy I will read more of it. But I'm not making any promises. And even if I do, the chances of me reading the rest of them are pretty low considering
a)my predesposed hatred for all things Harry Potter and
b)sheer laziness
But Hell, they might be really good. They might be really interesting. They might totally suck me in. I'm prepared for that possibility.
So now if I ever commit suicide in the future you will all know the reason so now I don't have to go through all the trouble of leaving a note. If I read all of those books, I am going to make absolutely sure that they are the death of me. Just out of spite.
Most of all of that was a pretty large exaggeration.
THE END.
We had been doing so for about twenty minutes when Jeff had an idea. So he and I go to his garage, where he pulls out a full can of white spraypaint, looks at it and says, "well, I don't really need this one". He proceeds to wrap the can up in a paper towel, which he secures with electrical tape, sprays the paper towel with something flammable and then turned to me and we were on our way to his backyard again. We get out there, and he places the can on a rather large rectangle of particle board lying on the ground on the very edge of the woods behind his house. He took a couple of steps back, looked around to make sure no one besides the five of us are around, pulled out the rifle and let out a single shot.
The can, the particle board and a fairly good part of the surrounding woods were immediatly engulfed in flames. A column of fire taller than Jeff rose into the trees and even more fire spread out and landed on the ground. Next thing I know I am down there next to Jeff stomping out little bits of fire on the ground in the woods while Steve, Aisling and TJ laugh hysterically in the background. After the blaze was extinguished, we promptly ran inside, grabbed our shit and left Jeff's house. We were pretty sure his next-door neighbors and much of the surrounding populous had seen the blast- that one moment of blazing glory which shone like a beacon to everyone around..... especially the police. So it was probably a good idea to leave the area for a little while. The scene of the crime if you will.
After that, we split up and Steve, Aisling and I went to Checkers and then took Aisling to her car at Roosevelt. She went home and then Steve and I went back to his house and watched some of Adult Swim. Which, might I add is apparently beating like every other channel in existence as far as ratings go. Not that Adult Swim is it's own channel (but it probably should be) but for some reason it gets rated seperately from the rest of Cartoon Network (which it beat out, along with MTV and Spike TV... and like I said, everything else. But you all probably know this. I'm not the only one that watches tv) While this all going on, Steve began to try and tell me why I should start reading the Harry Potter books.
He started talking about how cool the story was, how indepth the character development is, what a good writer the author is and so on and so on. He then holds up the most recent book and begins to tell me the story. All of it sounded somewhat intriguing. When he finished telling me the story he was still clenching this tome in his hands, and then says something along the lines of, "You really ought to read these books."
To which I replied, "Ain't no way you're going to get to read a book THAT thick. Let alone five of them."
And this remains to be my argument: If this J.K. Rowling wanted Matt Toohey to read her books, she wouldn't have made them so Goddamn long. And that's that.
Although, Steve did convince me to take the first book home and before I left I read the first chapter. Perhaps after I've finished with the zombie book and the hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy I will read more of it. But I'm not making any promises. And even if I do, the chances of me reading the rest of them are pretty low considering
a)my predesposed hatred for all things Harry Potter and
b)sheer laziness
But Hell, they might be really good. They might be really interesting. They might totally suck me in. I'm prepared for that possibility.
So now if I ever commit suicide in the future you will all know the reason so now I don't have to go through all the trouble of leaving a note. If I read all of those books, I am going to make absolutely sure that they are the death of me. Just out of spite.
Most of all of that was a pretty large exaggeration.
THE END.