On Writing
I used to write all the time. I had notebooks filled with stories. I liked to play writing games. My friends and I would play Round Robin where we each wrote two pages of a story, then passed the stories around and continued writing on each others stories to see what the results would be. I got excellent grades on all of my papers. I loved writing.
I don't know what happened, or even when, but sometime after college I managed to convince myself that not only had everything I had ever written been absolutely awful, but I also had nothing left that I wanted to write about. I had absolutely nothing that I needed or wanted to say.
I can probably partly blame life. I was newly married, a school teacher, a new mother, and I was exhausted all the time as we struggled with our tiny new family. Original thoughts were pretty much crowded out with the daily demands of babies, and housework. Still, I think there was more to it than that. There was a deep down conviction that anything I had to say just wasn't any good. Considering I have a pretty good self image, I'm surprised to even admit that it was there. Either way, I didn't write anymore. Except for my journal which I pulled out on rare occasions with guilt at how much time had passed between entries, I was done with the writing phase of my life.
I have many friends who are writers, and a husband who enjoys writing. I read their stories, and loved them. I cheered when they met with success. I was encouraging as they met with setbacks as they tried getting published. I participated in writing groups, diligently reading every story and offering constructive criticism to help everyone improve their stories. I never wrote a thing. I didn't have anything to say.
Finally, five years ago, I decided to gather up my courage to become a Professional Storyteller. It was one of the hardest things I have done, and one of the most rewarding. As part of my Professional Development, having a website that required new material to keep it higher on search engines meant that I had to start keeping a blog. I kept it easy. I decided that I would use it to record my own family stories- a project that's very important to me and an important part of who I am as a storyteller. I was writing weekly- simple stories, but it was writing.
Then there came my obsession with the Supernatural television show. A horrible cliffhanger at the end of a season left me searching for something to get me through the long summer, and I started reading fanfiction. My writer friends all cringed, but I found some great writers, and I had a great time. Even then, when I thought about writing a story, I fell back on my usual line, "I don't have anything to say." It was a comment by a fanfiction writer "Write as if you were telling a story" that suddenly changed things. I could do that. I've been telling stories forever. I was really good at telling other peoples stories. So I started with a traditional ghost story. A few easy tweaks, and I had something that would work. I had written something- an actual story- for the first time since college.
Since then, I have managed to surprise myself. I'm writing things. Not quite every day, but almost. Not everything is good. Not everything comes out the way I wanted it to. I still struggle with self doubt. My stories haven't received raves and accolades, which is a little disappointing to a drama queen like me, but that's not really the point. The point is that I have something to say. I really do. I have ideas- some are related to fanfiction, but most aren't. I find that I enjoy it. It's exciting!
Will it go somewhere? I don't know. Right now I am just enjoying the feeling of wonder that a door I thought would stay closed just opened up with interesting possibilities.
I don't know what happened, or even when, but sometime after college I managed to convince myself that not only had everything I had ever written been absolutely awful, but I also had nothing left that I wanted to write about. I had absolutely nothing that I needed or wanted to say.
I can probably partly blame life. I was newly married, a school teacher, a new mother, and I was exhausted all the time as we struggled with our tiny new family. Original thoughts were pretty much crowded out with the daily demands of babies, and housework. Still, I think there was more to it than that. There was a deep down conviction that anything I had to say just wasn't any good. Considering I have a pretty good self image, I'm surprised to even admit that it was there. Either way, I didn't write anymore. Except for my journal which I pulled out on rare occasions with guilt at how much time had passed between entries, I was done with the writing phase of my life.
I have many friends who are writers, and a husband who enjoys writing. I read their stories, and loved them. I cheered when they met with success. I was encouraging as they met with setbacks as they tried getting published. I participated in writing groups, diligently reading every story and offering constructive criticism to help everyone improve their stories. I never wrote a thing. I didn't have anything to say.
Finally, five years ago, I decided to gather up my courage to become a Professional Storyteller. It was one of the hardest things I have done, and one of the most rewarding. As part of my Professional Development, having a website that required new material to keep it higher on search engines meant that I had to start keeping a blog. I kept it easy. I decided that I would use it to record my own family stories- a project that's very important to me and an important part of who I am as a storyteller. I was writing weekly- simple stories, but it was writing.
Then there came my obsession with the Supernatural television show. A horrible cliffhanger at the end of a season left me searching for something to get me through the long summer, and I started reading fanfiction. My writer friends all cringed, but I found some great writers, and I had a great time. Even then, when I thought about writing a story, I fell back on my usual line, "I don't have anything to say." It was a comment by a fanfiction writer "Write as if you were telling a story" that suddenly changed things. I could do that. I've been telling stories forever. I was really good at telling other peoples stories. So I started with a traditional ghost story. A few easy tweaks, and I had something that would work. I had written something- an actual story- for the first time since college.
Since then, I have managed to surprise myself. I'm writing things. Not quite every day, but almost. Not everything is good. Not everything comes out the way I wanted it to. I still struggle with self doubt. My stories haven't received raves and accolades, which is a little disappointing to a drama queen like me, but that's not really the point. The point is that I have something to say. I really do. I have ideas- some are related to fanfiction, but most aren't. I find that I enjoy it. It's exciting!
Will it go somewhere? I don't know. Right now I am just enjoying the feeling of wonder that a door I thought would stay closed just opened up with interesting possibilities.