How to avoid pissing off your Baristo FOR DUMMIES (Vol I)
CHAPTER ONE:
Not-so common sense
1- If your bill comes to $X.66, DON'T give me a nickel and a penny to even your change out to forty cents.
You're just gonna get that damn nickel back along with the quarter and dime. I'll take the penny. Keep your nickels to yourself!!!!
(this is admittedly just my pet peeve and doesn't neccessarily apply to all Baristo/a's, but I figure since even I get one totally pointless pet peeve that infuriates me to the point of murder, this is it)
2- If you don't know shit about coffee, DON'T pretend you do.
There is nothing more annoying than having to make three seperate drinks because someone doesn't know what the fuck they're ordering and keeps replacing their order. That's one of the easiest ways to get an unground peaberry bean shoved up your fucking nose.
Oh, and if I mention a peaberry bean and you nod sagely, you damn well better know what the fuck a peaberry is, what its characteristics are, and where it comes from, cause even I didn't know until recently and I'm a coffee fucking GOD man!
3- DON'T cross swords with the coffee god!
I am NOT trying to decieve you.
I AM trying to enlighten. I am trying to peirce the Starbuck's idiocy that permeates coffee culture these days.
So when you ask me what "shade grown" or "fairly traded" means, don't second guess me. Really, I don't make it a habit of lying to customers about coffee (because you know, coffee is one of those oh so controversial things that I feel I need to lie to you about)
Oh, and on this whole line of thought...
4- If you already know the answer, DON'T fucking ask the question!
Why why WHY would you ask me if the French roast is dark and then say that it's worlds most famous dark roast? Boggles the mind.
And speaking of stupid questions...
5- If it's not on the board or you don't see it in the bin, DON'T ask me if we've got it! (And yes, I've rolled eyes, dropped jaw, and snarkily asked "is it on the board?" to this one)
Seriously people! If the flavour of the day is signed as "Irish Cream" why would you read the sign, ask if I have Hazelnut, and then get offended when I say "Yeah. Irish Cream flavored Hazelnuts"?
Or better yet, reading ALL the bagel labels, none of which says "Chocolate chip" and then saying "So you don't have Chocolate chip?"
Good fucking God people! And some of you are allowed to drive? Some of you are allowed to vote? No fucking wonder this world's going to hell in a handbasket. And this is just COFFEE!
I can imagine George W listening to his options after 9-11.
"Sir, we can bomb Afgahnistan, Pakistan, Iran, or Syria."
"Hmmmmm....how about Iraq?"
Not-so common sense
1- If your bill comes to $X.66, DON'T give me a nickel and a penny to even your change out to forty cents.
You're just gonna get that damn nickel back along with the quarter and dime. I'll take the penny. Keep your nickels to yourself!!!!
(this is admittedly just my pet peeve and doesn't neccessarily apply to all Baristo/a's, but I figure since even I get one totally pointless pet peeve that infuriates me to the point of murder, this is it)
2- If you don't know shit about coffee, DON'T pretend you do.
There is nothing more annoying than having to make three seperate drinks because someone doesn't know what the fuck they're ordering and keeps replacing their order. That's one of the easiest ways to get an unground peaberry bean shoved up your fucking nose.
Oh, and if I mention a peaberry bean and you nod sagely, you damn well better know what the fuck a peaberry is, what its characteristics are, and where it comes from, cause even I didn't know until recently and I'm a coffee fucking GOD man!
3- DON'T cross swords with the coffee god!
I am NOT trying to decieve you.
I AM trying to enlighten. I am trying to peirce the Starbuck's idiocy that permeates coffee culture these days.
So when you ask me what "shade grown" or "fairly traded" means, don't second guess me. Really, I don't make it a habit of lying to customers about coffee (because you know, coffee is one of those oh so controversial things that I feel I need to lie to you about)
Oh, and on this whole line of thought...
4- If you already know the answer, DON'T fucking ask the question!
Why why WHY would you ask me if the French roast is dark and then say that it's worlds most famous dark roast? Boggles the mind.
And speaking of stupid questions...
5- If it's not on the board or you don't see it in the bin, DON'T ask me if we've got it! (And yes, I've rolled eyes, dropped jaw, and snarkily asked "is it on the board?" to this one)
Seriously people! If the flavour of the day is signed as "Irish Cream" why would you read the sign, ask if I have Hazelnut, and then get offended when I say "Yeah. Irish Cream flavored Hazelnuts"?
Or better yet, reading ALL the bagel labels, none of which says "Chocolate chip" and then saying "So you don't have Chocolate chip?"
Good fucking God people! And some of you are allowed to drive? Some of you are allowed to vote? No fucking wonder this world's going to hell in a handbasket. And this is just COFFEE!
I can imagine George W listening to his options after 9-11.
"Sir, we can bomb Afgahnistan, Pakistan, Iran, or Syria."
"Hmmmmm....how about Iraq?"