for those who are curious
I really really like my roommate- he would be the second roommate that I could put up with, and, as well, the second that not only could I put up with, I *LIKED* being roommates with. We neither ignore nor harass each other, we respect the other's personal space and feelings while also being comfortable engaging each other in activities, sharing food and gifts, etc etc. And he's a good cook, so I have been eating better than I have been in a while :)
He acts like a tweaker and I act like a junky, but neither of us are doing drugs, its just our nature, lol. So I act as sort of a relaxing or calming force on his hyper-ass life, while he is making me more sociable and motovated, which is helping with the lack of energy and the insomnia I've been having in Okinawa. He also, like a tweaker, has this weird habit of constantly rearranging and cleaning the room on a near-daily basis, to the point where I can take a nap and when I wake up, everything is everywhere else or put away. But, he respects me and since my messiness doesn't get in his way (I keep all my messiness put away in closets and stuff), he says that I am in fact one of the better roommates he's had, since he's had to live with dirty roommates who keep all their stuff out and about where it gets in his way and bothers him.
And the good news? Because he respects me, that makes me respect him, so in turn, I feel more motovated to clean up after myself, as I now have a "guest" to look after, if you will. So like I said, I've been spending the last few days very motovated and cleaning up my room as well, which is something I haven't done in over a year, which is a partial explanation for the incident leaving okinawa (my room was full of trash, if anybody remembers). This has also been giving me a sense of accomplishment, I feel wanted and I feel like I'm part of a team, that what I do is for something greater than me and therefore worthwhile, which has further boosted my mood and life.
I found it hard to describe to my exes what I meant when I wanted "family"... while there's more to it, and to the relationship that I'm seeking, this is a pretty good brief description of how genuinely innocent and simple the idea that I'm seeking for is-
It is a person I'm living with, who not only understands me and cares about me more than anybody else I've ever met, he knows all about me but still cares anyways. He makes me feel like part of a team, where I feel wanted and important and everything I do isn't just for me like it doesn't matter, but means something to someone else. He's honest and open, in that if something bothers him he'll tell me, and if he appreciates something he'll let me know as well. He doesn't pressure me into doing anything, but out of mutual respect we willingly make an effort to accommodate each other's needs; I am not forced to help, I *want* to help. We share and participate in each other's lives, but at the same time, we recognize the need for each other's space and we respect that.
The relationship is that of brother's, there's this love and commitment but it's definately nothing sexual, in fact at the moment I am getting all my emotional needs met; I neither need nor want a mate or a sexual partner right now. What I'm getting just from this simply contact is so much more.
It's positively effecting all areas of my life, both at home and at work, and it's preventing all the negative aspects of my life- where I withdrawal from the world, lose real contact with people and things and become bizarre and moody in thought and action. It's a strange revelation how much this meant to me, wherein many periods of my life I was stuck in a downward spiral, negative emotions fed negative actions and vice versa as if got perpetually worse, this is in fact becoming perpetually better.
So the main reason why I haven't been online much is that I use this place as a "social life support" when my emotional needs aren't getting met, needs which were normally met by mates before I realized that all I want is family, but since they are being met at the moment, I therefore have had no need to post. I will try to post more sooner or later, but really that's how it's been. I don't understand why people don't believe or understand me when I say, "I want a family, not a mate".
Obviously this won't last forever as we will move on, but I am thankful that through him accidently I figured out what I was looking for all this time in another human being. And there was this person in okinawa who I talked to, who didn't actually understand what I was looking for in a mate. All I was looking for, all I literally wanted, was to have a room in his house, where I felt a sense of belonging. Where I could get up in the morning, and maybe cook something for everybody before they all split off to work or whatever. Maybe if the family did something together, like go for a hike, camp out, or watch TV, I know I would be invited; I wouldn't have to ask. And then his emotional needs can be met by his mate, they can have their personal space/personal time and I can have mine. And that would have me set for life, seriously.
I still dream of being able to live that life.
He acts like a tweaker and I act like a junky, but neither of us are doing drugs, its just our nature, lol. So I act as sort of a relaxing or calming force on his hyper-ass life, while he is making me more sociable and motovated, which is helping with the lack of energy and the insomnia I've been having in Okinawa. He also, like a tweaker, has this weird habit of constantly rearranging and cleaning the room on a near-daily basis, to the point where I can take a nap and when I wake up, everything is everywhere else or put away. But, he respects me and since my messiness doesn't get in his way (I keep all my messiness put away in closets and stuff), he says that I am in fact one of the better roommates he's had, since he's had to live with dirty roommates who keep all their stuff out and about where it gets in his way and bothers him.
And the good news? Because he respects me, that makes me respect him, so in turn, I feel more motovated to clean up after myself, as I now have a "guest" to look after, if you will. So like I said, I've been spending the last few days very motovated and cleaning up my room as well, which is something I haven't done in over a year, which is a partial explanation for the incident leaving okinawa (my room was full of trash, if anybody remembers). This has also been giving me a sense of accomplishment, I feel wanted and I feel like I'm part of a team, that what I do is for something greater than me and therefore worthwhile, which has further boosted my mood and life.
I found it hard to describe to my exes what I meant when I wanted "family"... while there's more to it, and to the relationship that I'm seeking, this is a pretty good brief description of how genuinely innocent and simple the idea that I'm seeking for is-
It is a person I'm living with, who not only understands me and cares about me more than anybody else I've ever met, he knows all about me but still cares anyways. He makes me feel like part of a team, where I feel wanted and important and everything I do isn't just for me like it doesn't matter, but means something to someone else. He's honest and open, in that if something bothers him he'll tell me, and if he appreciates something he'll let me know as well. He doesn't pressure me into doing anything, but out of mutual respect we willingly make an effort to accommodate each other's needs; I am not forced to help, I *want* to help. We share and participate in each other's lives, but at the same time, we recognize the need for each other's space and we respect that.
The relationship is that of brother's, there's this love and commitment but it's definately nothing sexual, in fact at the moment I am getting all my emotional needs met; I neither need nor want a mate or a sexual partner right now. What I'm getting just from this simply contact is so much more.
It's positively effecting all areas of my life, both at home and at work, and it's preventing all the negative aspects of my life- where I withdrawal from the world, lose real contact with people and things and become bizarre and moody in thought and action. It's a strange revelation how much this meant to me, wherein many periods of my life I was stuck in a downward spiral, negative emotions fed negative actions and vice versa as if got perpetually worse, this is in fact becoming perpetually better.
So the main reason why I haven't been online much is that I use this place as a "social life support" when my emotional needs aren't getting met, needs which were normally met by mates before I realized that all I want is family, but since they are being met at the moment, I therefore have had no need to post. I will try to post more sooner or later, but really that's how it's been. I don't understand why people don't believe or understand me when I say, "I want a family, not a mate".
Obviously this won't last forever as we will move on, but I am thankful that through him accidently I figured out what I was looking for all this time in another human being. And there was this person in okinawa who I talked to, who didn't actually understand what I was looking for in a mate. All I was looking for, all I literally wanted, was to have a room in his house, where I felt a sense of belonging. Where I could get up in the morning, and maybe cook something for everybody before they all split off to work or whatever. Maybe if the family did something together, like go for a hike, camp out, or watch TV, I know I would be invited; I wouldn't have to ask. And then his emotional needs can be met by his mate, they can have their personal space/personal time and I can have mine. And that would have me set for life, seriously.
I still dream of being able to live that life.
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