Stargate Fic: Pushing Buttons (Harry/Jack)
Request ficlet the sixth, for wisdomeagle who asked for "Jack and Harry accidentally save the world, then have sex that hurts Jack's knees and breaks Harry's heart." R, 400 words.
Pushing Buttons
"Maybourne, what just happened?"
"Let me see... Apparently, all the pollution is gone from the Earth's atmosphere and the ozone layer is back to normal."
"How?"
"I pushed this green button."
"We do not go around pushing random buttons in an Asgard ship."
"It wasn't random, Jack. I can read the labels."
"And this one says what? 'Pollution-B-Gone'? 'Click here to fix planet'?"
"Actually, I thought it said 'coffee'."
"You thought it said 'coffee'."
"It's a difficult language, Jack. And anyhow, it was a good result."
"Just don't go-- Maybourne!"
"I'm sure I've got the right one now."
"How do you know it doesn't say 'annihilate'?"
"Don't worry, Jack. The word for 'annihilate' and the word for 'coffee' are completely different."
"That's another thing: do the Asgard even drink coffee?"
"Well, it translates more like 'stimulating drink'."
"Maybourne, leave the button-- Oh, for God's sake."
"See? Coffee. Here."
"How do I know it won't poison me?"
"This is the Asgard, Jack. They wouldn't leave something around that would poison us."
"Maybe they just didn't take into account how stupid you are."
"See? I'm drinking it and I'm completely fine."
"Maybourne, as long as I've known you, you've never been 'completely fine'."
"Come on, it's delicious. Better than coffee. And it probably cures cancer or lengthens your life."
"Maybe it fights gingivitis and tooth decay."
"How is it?"
"Okay, you were right, it's good."
"You never listen to me, Jack."
"I always listen to you. I just never agree with what you say."
"Is it getting warm in here?"
"You probably pressed the 'Easy-Bake Oven' button."
"It's really warm."
"Oh, don't take your shirt... Dman, it really is getting hot."
"Nice abs, Jack. You must work out."
"A little. You're not so bad yourself."
"Jack..."
"Harry..."
"Jack!"
"Harry!"
"Oh, god, Jack!"
"Faster, Harry, faster!"
"...Jaaaaaaaaack...."
"Oh god, oh god..."
"..."
"..."
"Christ, Jack."
"My knees hurt."
"You weren't complaining a minute ago."
"Maybourne, what just happened here? And think before you answer."
"I don't know, Jack. Unless it was..."
"'Stimulating drink', perhaps?"
"That would seem to be the logical explanation."
"Just...this never happened, Maybourne. Not a word to anyone."
"Do you think I would? It's not like I wanted this."
"Let's just sit down and stay quiet and wait for Thor to get back."
"Sure, just a minute. I just want to get something."
"Maybourne."
"What is it, Jack?"
"Push that button again and I'll shoot you in the head."
Pushing Buttons
"Maybourne, what just happened?"
"Let me see... Apparently, all the pollution is gone from the Earth's atmosphere and the ozone layer is back to normal."
"How?"
"I pushed this green button."
"We do not go around pushing random buttons in an Asgard ship."
"It wasn't random, Jack. I can read the labels."
"And this one says what? 'Pollution-B-Gone'? 'Click here to fix planet'?"
"Actually, I thought it said 'coffee'."
"You thought it said 'coffee'."
"It's a difficult language, Jack. And anyhow, it was a good result."
"Just don't go-- Maybourne!"
"I'm sure I've got the right one now."
"How do you know it doesn't say 'annihilate'?"
"Don't worry, Jack. The word for 'annihilate' and the word for 'coffee' are completely different."
"That's another thing: do the Asgard even drink coffee?"
"Well, it translates more like 'stimulating drink'."
"Maybourne, leave the button-- Oh, for God's sake."
"See? Coffee. Here."
"How do I know it won't poison me?"
"This is the Asgard, Jack. They wouldn't leave something around that would poison us."
"Maybe they just didn't take into account how stupid you are."
"See? I'm drinking it and I'm completely fine."
"Maybourne, as long as I've known you, you've never been 'completely fine'."
"Come on, it's delicious. Better than coffee. And it probably cures cancer or lengthens your life."
"Maybe it fights gingivitis and tooth decay."
"How is it?"
"Okay, you were right, it's good."
"You never listen to me, Jack."
"I always listen to you. I just never agree with what you say."
"Is it getting warm in here?"
"You probably pressed the 'Easy-Bake Oven' button."
"It's really warm."
"Oh, don't take your shirt... Dman, it really is getting hot."
"Nice abs, Jack. You must work out."
"A little. You're not so bad yourself."
"Jack..."
"Harry..."
"Jack!"
"Harry!"
"Oh, god, Jack!"
"Faster, Harry, faster!"
"...Jaaaaaaaaack...."
"Oh god, oh god..."
"..."
"..."
"Christ, Jack."
"My knees hurt."
"You weren't complaining a minute ago."
"Maybourne, what just happened here? And think before you answer."
"I don't know, Jack. Unless it was..."
"'Stimulating drink', perhaps?"
"That would seem to be the logical explanation."
"Just...this never happened, Maybourne. Not a word to anyone."
"Do you think I would? It's not like I wanted this."
"Let's just sit down and stay quiet and wait for Thor to get back."
"Sure, just a minute. I just want to get something."
"Maybourne."
"What is it, Jack?"
"Push that button again and I'll shoot you in the head."