a crossroads has been reached...
...but none of the roads are appealing to me.
for some reason music that is normally happy seems depressing lately, almost tragically so. what is wrong with my situation? when did i start making the choices that led me here? did i even make them or did my lack of action decide for me? i wonder if i am really better off than the people i criticize. i am displaying a lot of their traits lately.... maybe Jim is right. maybe we are never going to be happy with less than perfection. i agreed until a few months ago. what has really changed since then? this question needs to be answered. do i still agree with his point? i think a big part of me does. i think another part of me wants to try to work out what i have into a solution, and i think that part is ultimately doomed to failure. maybe that's why this past few months has been one largely of depression and sadness. maybe i was falsely expecting something that realistically was impossible. reality is a bitch like that. the mind has a way of lying to you about it, or obscuring the obvious in favor of a slant you like better. why doesn't anyone else seem to have these issues?
i catch myself questioning if it is me who is deficient or inadequate in some way quite often. i'm not meeting a lot of my expectations for myself, and this is pointed out to me daily by others when i somehow manage to overlook it myself (usually in a lapse of intellect, which has also been happening a lot lately, much to my chagrin...). if the people who i've chosen to associate with for their sense and similarity to my worldview think that i am in the wrong, the only conclusion is that i probably am and i am just not aware of it or ready to accept it yet. why is it that i disagree with them then? are they wrong, or am i just that persistent in my foolishness? i know that no good can come of my endeavors yet i freely keep trying. am i this hard up for something to put my energies towards? am i just a bitch? i know i am being used and yet i happily sidle up to the pig trough to get another helping of shit. i seriously question why and yet i still do it. AAAAAAAAAAGH.
as i sit here at work i listen to french pop and i have to laugh because it seems rather fitting.
"C'est trop tard! Pour l'histoire
Bien trop tard! J'en ai marre!"
hah. so true. apparently i must be giving off nagry h8ing vibes because a lot of people around me are giving me odd looks. it's not like they can help me, so fuck 'em.
i think i am more pissed that i can't see the obvious or that i chose to ignore it than i am at the actual obvious facts themselves. that's no surprise though, that happens a lot when one cannot reconcile one's wants with one's needs. i need to get cracking on that and decide which is more important, then get back to satisfying them. i was doing good until about mid august, and i've really been just treading water while i wait for some sort of divine intervention or something.
people never cease to amaze me, myself included. why do we choose to do the things that are bad when we clearly know what is good? why do we choose what won't move us towards our goals? are they poorly defined? do we all lack discipline? do we just enjoy being stupid? i suppose it is often the easiest choice, to let others think for us and do for us and be for us. that is a depressing thought, that we all want that.
the funny thing is that i can't take my own advice on a lot of things because i am weak too. i keep giving myself more obligations to tie myself to a place i don't want to be in so i can hang around people i don't like and do things i don't enjoy while living a life i am not inspired by yet am not doing enough to change. fuck, that is so moronic. seeing it in this cold and unfeeling format really highlights it. hopefully i will re-read this and it will hammer home the point. probably not though, i seem to enjoy making poor choices and putting myself into situations that i know are a waste of time, energy, and concern. the resolve to leave this place and improve my situation and myself need to be rekindled; this shit's gone way too far and it's not going anywhere on its own.
talking to jarrod the other day was a good reaffirmation that we made the right choice by leaving them behind. i need new friends. surrounding myself with people who are idiots isn't helping me get anywhere, but at the same time i am tired of hanging out with only one or two people and doing the same shit all the time. i need variety, this world i have created for myself is stifling in its sterility. i often feel that when i reflect on it i have cut too much out of my life because there is little left that brings me joy. i can't decide if that's because my bar has been raised too high or if i am just uninspired by the vapidness and insipidity of my surroundings.
the problem with branching out, though, is that i always seem to find people who are too weak to live on their own and need to be constantly propped up by others to survive. i am not strong enough to help them all. i have enough problems helping myself, and in all honesty i don't think i am strong enough to carry anyone besides myself, much less a group of them. i don't think i am as strong as people give me credit for... my weaknesses just lie in different areas, but i am hardly immune to them. i can't drag these people to where they need to be because i am not going to where they need to be. even if they just sort of glom on and travel partway with me like barnacles or snails or something, they're still slowing me down, and yet i enjoy their company at the same time. this is a winless scenario.
i feel like an sponge for emotional trauma and weakness and lacking of discipline. how did i get embroiled in it? i feel assaulted by it everywhere i go. i wonder if i can dump it like a sponge or if i will just explode when i hit capacity. that could be cool to see i suppose. i wonder where that line is? i need to find more people who have their shit together so i don't have to worry about this. speaking of hitting capacity, i wonder this will come to a head. will i be here to see it? i don't know if i want to be. i am surprised it hasn't happened yet... i thought it was close on saturday, but then it just got pushed back down again when it was mentioned later... why do people run from these issues? why can't we all just get them in the open, discuss them, and solve them? this is why i am doomed to failure where i am: that sort of solution will never occur because there's not enough maturity for it to happen.
it's not like the whole experience has been bad... there have been quite a lot of fun times, where i have seen their true nature surface for a little while. those times have been great, and i don't regret my choices because of those moments. at the same time, am i willing to put up with wading through this much shit in order to find a few pearls? i guess it depends on how much those pearls are worth to me. i've never been a fan of jewelry myself, but this is different somehow. i know that it will never be what i want it to be... they can never be what i want them to be because they can't even satisfy what they want to be. until that changes, and it likely never will, i will never be happy with it.
at least dvdshrink works.
for some reason music that is normally happy seems depressing lately, almost tragically so. what is wrong with my situation? when did i start making the choices that led me here? did i even make them or did my lack of action decide for me? i wonder if i am really better off than the people i criticize. i am displaying a lot of their traits lately.... maybe Jim is right. maybe we are never going to be happy with less than perfection. i agreed until a few months ago. what has really changed since then? this question needs to be answered. do i still agree with his point? i think a big part of me does. i think another part of me wants to try to work out what i have into a solution, and i think that part is ultimately doomed to failure. maybe that's why this past few months has been one largely of depression and sadness. maybe i was falsely expecting something that realistically was impossible. reality is a bitch like that. the mind has a way of lying to you about it, or obscuring the obvious in favor of a slant you like better. why doesn't anyone else seem to have these issues?
i catch myself questioning if it is me who is deficient or inadequate in some way quite often. i'm not meeting a lot of my expectations for myself, and this is pointed out to me daily by others when i somehow manage to overlook it myself (usually in a lapse of intellect, which has also been happening a lot lately, much to my chagrin...). if the people who i've chosen to associate with for their sense and similarity to my worldview think that i am in the wrong, the only conclusion is that i probably am and i am just not aware of it or ready to accept it yet. why is it that i disagree with them then? are they wrong, or am i just that persistent in my foolishness? i know that no good can come of my endeavors yet i freely keep trying. am i this hard up for something to put my energies towards? am i just a bitch? i know i am being used and yet i happily sidle up to the pig trough to get another helping of shit. i seriously question why and yet i still do it. AAAAAAAAAAGH.
as i sit here at work i listen to french pop and i have to laugh because it seems rather fitting.
"C'est trop tard! Pour l'histoire
Bien trop tard! J'en ai marre!"
hah. so true. apparently i must be giving off nagry h8ing vibes because a lot of people around me are giving me odd looks. it's not like they can help me, so fuck 'em.
i think i am more pissed that i can't see the obvious or that i chose to ignore it than i am at the actual obvious facts themselves. that's no surprise though, that happens a lot when one cannot reconcile one's wants with one's needs. i need to get cracking on that and decide which is more important, then get back to satisfying them. i was doing good until about mid august, and i've really been just treading water while i wait for some sort of divine intervention or something.
people never cease to amaze me, myself included. why do we choose to do the things that are bad when we clearly know what is good? why do we choose what won't move us towards our goals? are they poorly defined? do we all lack discipline? do we just enjoy being stupid? i suppose it is often the easiest choice, to let others think for us and do for us and be for us. that is a depressing thought, that we all want that.
the funny thing is that i can't take my own advice on a lot of things because i am weak too. i keep giving myself more obligations to tie myself to a place i don't want to be in so i can hang around people i don't like and do things i don't enjoy while living a life i am not inspired by yet am not doing enough to change. fuck, that is so moronic. seeing it in this cold and unfeeling format really highlights it. hopefully i will re-read this and it will hammer home the point. probably not though, i seem to enjoy making poor choices and putting myself into situations that i know are a waste of time, energy, and concern. the resolve to leave this place and improve my situation and myself need to be rekindled; this shit's gone way too far and it's not going anywhere on its own.
talking to jarrod the other day was a good reaffirmation that we made the right choice by leaving them behind. i need new friends. surrounding myself with people who are idiots isn't helping me get anywhere, but at the same time i am tired of hanging out with only one or two people and doing the same shit all the time. i need variety, this world i have created for myself is stifling in its sterility. i often feel that when i reflect on it i have cut too much out of my life because there is little left that brings me joy. i can't decide if that's because my bar has been raised too high or if i am just uninspired by the vapidness and insipidity of my surroundings.
the problem with branching out, though, is that i always seem to find people who are too weak to live on their own and need to be constantly propped up by others to survive. i am not strong enough to help them all. i have enough problems helping myself, and in all honesty i don't think i am strong enough to carry anyone besides myself, much less a group of them. i don't think i am as strong as people give me credit for... my weaknesses just lie in different areas, but i am hardly immune to them. i can't drag these people to where they need to be because i am not going to where they need to be. even if they just sort of glom on and travel partway with me like barnacles or snails or something, they're still slowing me down, and yet i enjoy their company at the same time. this is a winless scenario.
i feel like an sponge for emotional trauma and weakness and lacking of discipline. how did i get embroiled in it? i feel assaulted by it everywhere i go. i wonder if i can dump it like a sponge or if i will just explode when i hit capacity. that could be cool to see i suppose. i wonder where that line is? i need to find more people who have their shit together so i don't have to worry about this. speaking of hitting capacity, i wonder this will come to a head. will i be here to see it? i don't know if i want to be. i am surprised it hasn't happened yet... i thought it was close on saturday, but then it just got pushed back down again when it was mentioned later... why do people run from these issues? why can't we all just get them in the open, discuss them, and solve them? this is why i am doomed to failure where i am: that sort of solution will never occur because there's not enough maturity for it to happen.
it's not like the whole experience has been bad... there have been quite a lot of fun times, where i have seen their true nature surface for a little while. those times have been great, and i don't regret my choices because of those moments. at the same time, am i willing to put up with wading through this much shit in order to find a few pearls? i guess it depends on how much those pearls are worth to me. i've never been a fan of jewelry myself, but this is different somehow. i know that it will never be what i want it to be... they can never be what i want them to be because they can't even satisfy what they want to be. until that changes, and it likely never will, i will never be happy with it.
at least dvdshrink works.