[Left on the communal answering machine in the Key household] From Mother With Love
OF ALL THE DAFT, STUPID, THICK SKULLED THINGS YOU'VE DONE, I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO PULL SOMETHING OFF AS RIDICULOUS AS TRYING TO SMUGGLE A BABY CROCODILE THROUGH THE AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS. BUT THEN, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER- WHO WON'T BE HERE TO BAIL YOU OUT THIS TIME, THE WANKER- ALWAYS MANAGING THE IMPOSSIBLE IN THE WORST OF WAYS.
I KNOW I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THIS. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY WHO LISTENED TO HIS MUM? DO I HAVE TO START BRIBING YOU WITH LOLLIES AGAIN? DO I HAVE TO MOVE OVER TO THE STATES TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR SORRY ARSE? YOU'D BEST PRAY TO GOD YOU'VE MADE AN HONEST MAN OF YOURSELF WITH THIS WOMAN-
IS IT A WOMAN?
SO HELP ME, BLOKE OR SHEILA, IF YOU DON'T TREAT 'UM RIGHT I'LL WRING YOUR NECK. IS THERE EVEN GOING TO BE A CEREMONY?
IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU WOULD LEAVE YOUR MATES AND YOUR CUZ BEHIND TO GO PARTY IN VEGAS? I DON'T REMEMBER DROPPING YOU ON YOUR NOGGIN AS A SPROG BUT THEN- THAT MAY ALSO BE THE FAULT OF YOUR FATHER. DO YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS KNOW? AND WHY HAVE YOU BLOCKED YOUR BLOG FROM ME? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING, YOU BASTARD CHILD?
MISTER MONTOUR, I AM SO SORRY FOR THE BURDEN OF MY SON'S IDIOCY HAVING FALLEN UPON YOU. PLEASE GIVE MY REGARDS TO MISS DELEON. LOTO, LOVE, DON'T YOU DARE BE USING THIS FAILURE AS A ROLE MODEL. YOU'LL BE LIABLE TO END UP IN A PRISON CELL HITCHED TO A MAN NAMED 'BIG MOMMA'.
IORANGI JOHN PAUL TENNYSON KEY, IF YOU DON'T INTRODUCE ME TO THIS 'SPOUSE' OF YOURS- PROVIDED THIS IS CONSIDERED A LEGALIZED UNION- THEN I WILL BE FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THAT THREAT TO PERMANENTLY DISOWN YOU. I'M COMING OVER FOR NEW YEARS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE YOURSELF PRESENTABLE.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
LOVE, MUM.
*beeeep*
I KNOW I TAUGHT YOU BETTER THAN THIS. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LITTLE BOY WHO LISTENED TO HIS MUM? DO I HAVE TO START BRIBING YOU WITH LOLLIES AGAIN? DO I HAVE TO MOVE OVER TO THE STATES TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR SORRY ARSE? YOU'D BEST PRAY TO GOD YOU'VE MADE AN HONEST MAN OF YOURSELF WITH THIS WOMAN-
IS IT A WOMAN?
SO HELP ME, BLOKE OR SHEILA, IF YOU DON'T TREAT 'UM RIGHT I'LL WRING YOUR NECK. IS THERE EVEN GOING TO BE A CEREMONY?
IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU WOULD LEAVE YOUR MATES AND YOUR CUZ BEHIND TO GO PARTY IN VEGAS? I DON'T REMEMBER DROPPING YOU ON YOUR NOGGIN AS A SPROG BUT THEN- THAT MAY ALSO BE THE FAULT OF YOUR FATHER. DO YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS KNOW? AND WHY HAVE YOU BLOCKED YOUR BLOG FROM ME? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING, YOU BASTARD CHILD?
MISTER MONTOUR, I AM SO SORRY FOR THE BURDEN OF MY SON'S IDIOCY HAVING FALLEN UPON YOU. PLEASE GIVE MY REGARDS TO MISS DELEON. LOTO, LOVE, DON'T YOU DARE BE USING THIS FAILURE AS A ROLE MODEL. YOU'LL BE LIABLE TO END UP IN A PRISON CELL HITCHED TO A MAN NAMED 'BIG MOMMA'.
IORANGI JOHN PAUL TENNYSON KEY, IF YOU DON'T INTRODUCE ME TO THIS 'SPOUSE' OF YOURS- PROVIDED THIS IS CONSIDERED A LEGALIZED UNION- THEN I WILL BE FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THAT THREAT TO PERMANENTLY DISOWN YOU. I'M COMING OVER FOR NEW YEARS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE YOURSELF PRESENTABLE.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
LOVE, MUM.
*beeeep*