day 1- That's why i broke up with him
For the most part I felt ok today. I was able to focus on other things, I was actually able to keep myself busy but I would find myself randomly staring off into space. For instance, I'll be doing h.w. and getting a lot done then all of a sudden I'll stop and in the on second of a break everything rushes back to me. I try to make sense of it all but I can't, then I get upset. I get upset because we were suppose to be together. We were suppose to be the fairy-tale. Not that I was trying to "live up" to some random ass standards, it's not that at all. But the journey we had... and to end up "official" ... was very fairy-tale like.
anyway, I spaced out a couple times today just thinking about everything & if I let myself I could lay here for hours flossing between every word he's ever spoken to me, every word his "friends" have spoken to me. I could do that if I allowed myself, but there's no point. It's not like he'd clear anything up and no matter what anyone else says.. the ONLY thing that counts to me is what comes out of HIS mouth. which... truth be told is utterly unreliable. So...if the only thing that counts ends up being 3,000% unreliable.... then it's counted for absolutely nothing the entire time.
As of today, my reality is that when I look back; when I look back at his words in the e-mails, his text messages, his words over the phone.. when I look back at all of that from my reality now, from where I stand now... I can't believe-a-single-word.
& the bad part on top of it all is that I've already envisioned me & him spending the Holidays together as a couple, as official boyfriend and girlfriend. I was already planning the scrapbook for our 1 yr. The pictures I would flaunt and post up the first second I could. Because I was head over heels. I imagined him & I holding hands while holding each other, lights everywhere, soft kisses, tight hugs, playful laughs..I went there because I thought it was safe to do so...apparently it wasn't.
I didn't break up with him because of what he told Dayami, I was actually going to be blind enough to dismiss it. I broke up with him because he didn't fight me for us. He was willing to let me go too easily, he didn't show me in that instance, when it mattered, he REFUSED to show me how much he loved me. How much he cared about us. And In all actuality, had I not broken up with him, it would have made no difference at all, because he never would. & That's why I broke up with him.
anyway, I spaced out a couple times today just thinking about everything & if I let myself I could lay here for hours flossing between every word he's ever spoken to me, every word his "friends" have spoken to me. I could do that if I allowed myself, but there's no point. It's not like he'd clear anything up and no matter what anyone else says.. the ONLY thing that counts to me is what comes out of HIS mouth. which... truth be told is utterly unreliable. So...if the only thing that counts ends up being 3,000% unreliable.... then it's counted for absolutely nothing the entire time.
As of today, my reality is that when I look back; when I look back at his words in the e-mails, his text messages, his words over the phone.. when I look back at all of that from my reality now, from where I stand now... I can't believe-a-single-word.
& the bad part on top of it all is that I've already envisioned me & him spending the Holidays together as a couple, as official boyfriend and girlfriend. I was already planning the scrapbook for our 1 yr. The pictures I would flaunt and post up the first second I could. Because I was head over heels. I imagined him & I holding hands while holding each other, lights everywhere, soft kisses, tight hugs, playful laughs..I went there because I thought it was safe to do so...apparently it wasn't.
I didn't break up with him because of what he told Dayami, I was actually going to be blind enough to dismiss it. I broke up with him because he didn't fight me for us. He was willing to let me go too easily, he didn't show me in that instance, when it mattered, he REFUSED to show me how much he loved me. How much he cared about us. And In all actuality, had I not broken up with him, it would have made no difference at all, because he never would. & That's why I broke up with him.