Twitterpated
Written for therealljidol 8.14 "Twitterpated"
"Benny says we can't touch each other for two weeks."
Our friend, France, looks devastated. It is January, 2008 and she is innocent and fresh-faced with dirty blonde hair. We have not seen her usual ready smile as she talks about her tall and muscular boyfriend. Aesthetically, they seem like the perfect couple. In all other ways, it's clear, they're not.
Tara and I look at each other. "Well, why not?"
"I don't know! God told him, or something. So youth group at church was really awkward with him as the youth pastor and us both leading worship. By the end of the night he tried to make light of it, to make me feel better or something."
"What did he say?" I asked.
"That we can touch pinkies."
This is the relationship between two of our close friends. Actually, we have been drifting away from Benny for sometime now. In large part due to this relationship. It is one we are not thrilled by because it seems to be causing France so much strife and she is only 18. Benny is 27. The age difference itself is jarring.
I had seen hints of it for a few years beforehand. When I helped lead the youth group Wednesday nights and sang on the youth worship team with Benny and France, there was evidence. I remember bits and pieces of a vision Benny shared in which there was some kind of culvert with a crocodile. France had a starring role in the vision somehow. She was still only 16 at most, and part of the youth he is charged with leading. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 26.
By the time they are a year into their relationship, marriage is inevitable. But it seems they have broken some standards they have set for themselves, and to compensate, Benny in instituting the no-touching law. As the man, he makes the rules. As the woman, and because this is her first relationship ever, France cedes to whatever Benny decides, even if it hurts.
A month later, Benny's decision for them not to touch extends all the way to their engagement or marriage. There seems to be no conversation at all. He simply sits her down and tells her. She is more devastated by this blow than the first. She is used to physical affection. To have it withdrawn strikes her as punishment. Then, Benny drops another bomb:
"I almost broke up with you the other day."
France is stunned. When she asks why, he cites an incident from the day in question. Benny wanted to worship together in the sanctuary, before youth group started. France didn't. She was struggling with God and didn't feel like worshipping with Benny. Eventually, Benny realized France wasn't going to give in so easily. He turned on a worship CD instead. Then, he took her hand and led her up to the front, where he went crazy worshipping the Lord. France stood there with her arms crossed. Her refusal to be fake and join him, even though her heart wasn't in it was what caused his near break-up with her.
The real thing comes weeks later. France thinks that Benny is picking her up to celebrate their one-year anniversary of being a couple. Instead, Benny tells her they have to break up because of something God told him. Benny is apparently devastated by this, but France simply waits until he's finished and gets out of the car. He tells her if she doesn't want to come back to church, he understands. As he is the leader of most things (youth group, nightly meetings, etc) France feels as if she is not only losing Benny, but her church, too.
A few weeks later, France has persevered and returns to church, despite having to watch Benny move forward solo on plans they had talked about carrying out once they were married. Afterward, Benny approaches her in the parking lot. He asks: "So, can I, like, say hi to you when I see you, or do I just have to completely ignore you?"
As she never wanted to end anything in the first place, it's an impossible position to be put in. She has taken this personally and is dangerously depressed. She tells him she doesn't think God would do something like this and break up with her out of the blue. She asks him: "Don't you think there's anything wrong with the way you've been doing things?"
His answer? "No. Not at all."
However, with the passage of another month, Benny has a change of heart. He comes back to France and tells her that she was right and he was wrong. The break up was a big mistake. She is over the moon. God has told her he was the one she would marry, and finally things are going the way she believes they were meant to. They're not back together yet, but it's a start. Benny says he will spend the entire month of July in prayer about their relationship and they will reconvene in August when they will ask and answer questions. France feels that the entire relationship has become like a business deal.
Benny and France's relationship has been under the authority of two elders from the church - a married couple themselves. The elders tell France it would be best in the meantime, if she finds a different church to attend temporarily. She is asked to step down from leading worship while Benny is there. However, when Benny is gone on a mission trip, France is told she must step in and lead in his absence. It is confusing and painful for her. It's terrible to watch as a third party. Countless times, over the past few months, Tara and I have talked France through dark days and hard times that Benny is steadfastly oblivious to causing.
By now, Tara's and my friendship with Benny has disintegrated to nearly nothing. We are appalled by his treatment of France, but put up with the occasional text message. It's a crazy tightrope walk to abhor a former friend and want to maintain a connection with another friend - who are both so blinded by their idea of being married that they can't see how bad things are right this minute.
The question and answer session at the beginning of August is an exhausting and shocking six-hour ordeal. At the end of it, they decide they want to be a couple again. So, they move forward with their crazy relationship.
On a mission trip, Benny confides in France that he had promised the elders he would not get back together with her until after the trip, and was feeling "very convicted" about going ahead behind their backs and not telling France. Later in the month, Benny says his parents will be home from missionary work overseas in four months. They apparently have asked if he will move his wedding date to then so that they can be present for it. Of course, France agrees.
The next few months are up and down. Then, Benny gets in touch with us to ask if we want to go out to "din-din" with him and France. We agree, though it means we have to watch them snuggle and touch each other and call each other honey relentlessly. After dropping us off, Benny takes France to look at wedding rings. The next month, they decide on one, and France waits eagerly for the moment Benny will propose.
Instead, another month drags by. Benny, it seems, is scared to commit. He says, "Let's wait another couple months because right now I have a lot of anxiety because I just think it would be really horrible being married to you and I'm not sure if you'd ever change." But less than ten days later, all is apparently well between them again. They come by with pizza and we visit and chat.
A week later, we see them again. I am shocked that Benny has followed through on this. He and France sit on the couch and cuddle. They ask to hear something I wrote and while it's being read, they whisper behind us the whole time. France asks if they could eat over, and we baked a few extra corn dogs. When I offer Benny a plate, he says, "No, thanks. I'll just share France's."
We ask how they are and they both say something about recent drama, but won't elaborate more. We both know they're having trouble, they know we know, and yet they sit here for four hours holding hands, while he calls her "honey." They watch TV and when Benny sees a man break down in tears, he takes France's hand and says, "See, honey? Men can cry." When she sees a commercial, which features an overweight man, she tells, "If you ever get that fat, I'll kill you." Oh yeah, I can see the wedded bliss now.
They follow each other home, and stop at a stoplight. He gets out of his own car, runs to hers, opens the door and gives her a hug. Then, he runs back to his own and closes the door before the light changes to green. Once home, he sends her a text message, breaking up for good.
Note: In the ensuing three years, Benny has gotten married to someone else. France is happily single.
"Benny says we can't touch each other for two weeks."
Our friend, France, looks devastated. It is January, 2008 and she is innocent and fresh-faced with dirty blonde hair. We have not seen her usual ready smile as she talks about her tall and muscular boyfriend. Aesthetically, they seem like the perfect couple. In all other ways, it's clear, they're not.
Tara and I look at each other. "Well, why not?"
"I don't know! God told him, or something. So youth group at church was really awkward with him as the youth pastor and us both leading worship. By the end of the night he tried to make light of it, to make me feel better or something."
"What did he say?" I asked.
"That we can touch pinkies."
This is the relationship between two of our close friends. Actually, we have been drifting away from Benny for sometime now. In large part due to this relationship. It is one we are not thrilled by because it seems to be causing France so much strife and she is only 18. Benny is 27. The age difference itself is jarring.
I had seen hints of it for a few years beforehand. When I helped lead the youth group Wednesday nights and sang on the youth worship team with Benny and France, there was evidence. I remember bits and pieces of a vision Benny shared in which there was some kind of culvert with a crocodile. France had a starring role in the vision somehow. She was still only 16 at most, and part of the youth he is charged with leading. They started dating when she was 17 and he was 26.
By the time they are a year into their relationship, marriage is inevitable. But it seems they have broken some standards they have set for themselves, and to compensate, Benny in instituting the no-touching law. As the man, he makes the rules. As the woman, and because this is her first relationship ever, France cedes to whatever Benny decides, even if it hurts.
A month later, Benny's decision for them not to touch extends all the way to their engagement or marriage. There seems to be no conversation at all. He simply sits her down and tells her. She is more devastated by this blow than the first. She is used to physical affection. To have it withdrawn strikes her as punishment. Then, Benny drops another bomb:
"I almost broke up with you the other day."
France is stunned. When she asks why, he cites an incident from the day in question. Benny wanted to worship together in the sanctuary, before youth group started. France didn't. She was struggling with God and didn't feel like worshipping with Benny. Eventually, Benny realized France wasn't going to give in so easily. He turned on a worship CD instead. Then, he took her hand and led her up to the front, where he went crazy worshipping the Lord. France stood there with her arms crossed. Her refusal to be fake and join him, even though her heart wasn't in it was what caused his near break-up with her.
The real thing comes weeks later. France thinks that Benny is picking her up to celebrate their one-year anniversary of being a couple. Instead, Benny tells her they have to break up because of something God told him. Benny is apparently devastated by this, but France simply waits until he's finished and gets out of the car. He tells her if she doesn't want to come back to church, he understands. As he is the leader of most things (youth group, nightly meetings, etc) France feels as if she is not only losing Benny, but her church, too.
A few weeks later, France has persevered and returns to church, despite having to watch Benny move forward solo on plans they had talked about carrying out once they were married. Afterward, Benny approaches her in the parking lot. He asks: "So, can I, like, say hi to you when I see you, or do I just have to completely ignore you?"
As she never wanted to end anything in the first place, it's an impossible position to be put in. She has taken this personally and is dangerously depressed. She tells him she doesn't think God would do something like this and break up with her out of the blue. She asks him: "Don't you think there's anything wrong with the way you've been doing things?"
His answer? "No. Not at all."
However, with the passage of another month, Benny has a change of heart. He comes back to France and tells her that she was right and he was wrong. The break up was a big mistake. She is over the moon. God has told her he was the one she would marry, and finally things are going the way she believes they were meant to. They're not back together yet, but it's a start. Benny says he will spend the entire month of July in prayer about their relationship and they will reconvene in August when they will ask and answer questions. France feels that the entire relationship has become like a business deal.
Benny and France's relationship has been under the authority of two elders from the church - a married couple themselves. The elders tell France it would be best in the meantime, if she finds a different church to attend temporarily. She is asked to step down from leading worship while Benny is there. However, when Benny is gone on a mission trip, France is told she must step in and lead in his absence. It is confusing and painful for her. It's terrible to watch as a third party. Countless times, over the past few months, Tara and I have talked France through dark days and hard times that Benny is steadfastly oblivious to causing.
By now, Tara's and my friendship with Benny has disintegrated to nearly nothing. We are appalled by his treatment of France, but put up with the occasional text message. It's a crazy tightrope walk to abhor a former friend and want to maintain a connection with another friend - who are both so blinded by their idea of being married that they can't see how bad things are right this minute.
The question and answer session at the beginning of August is an exhausting and shocking six-hour ordeal. At the end of it, they decide they want to be a couple again. So, they move forward with their crazy relationship.
On a mission trip, Benny confides in France that he had promised the elders he would not get back together with her until after the trip, and was feeling "very convicted" about going ahead behind their backs and not telling France. Later in the month, Benny says his parents will be home from missionary work overseas in four months. They apparently have asked if he will move his wedding date to then so that they can be present for it. Of course, France agrees.
The next few months are up and down. Then, Benny gets in touch with us to ask if we want to go out to "din-din" with him and France. We agree, though it means we have to watch them snuggle and touch each other and call each other honey relentlessly. After dropping us off, Benny takes France to look at wedding rings. The next month, they decide on one, and France waits eagerly for the moment Benny will propose.
Instead, another month drags by. Benny, it seems, is scared to commit. He says, "Let's wait another couple months because right now I have a lot of anxiety because I just think it would be really horrible being married to you and I'm not sure if you'd ever change." But less than ten days later, all is apparently well between them again. They come by with pizza and we visit and chat.
A week later, we see them again. I am shocked that Benny has followed through on this. He and France sit on the couch and cuddle. They ask to hear something I wrote and while it's being read, they whisper behind us the whole time. France asks if they could eat over, and we baked a few extra corn dogs. When I offer Benny a plate, he says, "No, thanks. I'll just share France's."
We ask how they are and they both say something about recent drama, but won't elaborate more. We both know they're having trouble, they know we know, and yet they sit here for four hours holding hands, while he calls her "honey." They watch TV and when Benny sees a man break down in tears, he takes France's hand and says, "See, honey? Men can cry." When she sees a commercial, which features an overweight man, she tells, "If you ever get that fat, I'll kill you." Oh yeah, I can see the wedded bliss now.
They follow each other home, and stop at a stoplight. He gets out of his own car, runs to hers, opens the door and gives her a hug. Then, he runs back to his own and closes the door before the light changes to green. Once home, he sends her a text message, breaking up for good.
Note: In the ensuing three years, Benny has gotten married to someone else. France is happily single.