Sexual Ethics
I'll be the first to admit that I don't have much firsthand knowledge about sex.
My parents armed us kids with information about the common dangers when I was growing up in the '80's and early '90's, but sex wasn't ever really at the forefront. In early elementary school, the lessons were in saying no to drugs. They were about fighting back if someone tried to kidnap us.
But most of what I know about sexual ethics, I learned from the media:
Marriage: Parenthood
Parenthood is a movie about the complexities of family. It's a realistic look at what it means to be a parent, and through various stages of a child's life. This scene is focused on one set of parents (with three children) trying to grab a moment alone together.
At eight years old, when this movie was first released, I already knew that having sex led to having babies. To be honest, I think that's about all it meant to me. My parents had been married four years and there were already four of us. Even as a second grader the marriage of Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen's characters seemed realistic. Time alone was sure to be interrupted by a kid, or thoughts of a kid.
I took comfort in the fact that these parents were like my parents.
They weren't perfect. They made mistakes. But at the end of the day, they loved each other through whatever came.
Premarital Sex: Beverly Hills, 90210
From the episode: "Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout It"
I still remember the night Tara and I were watching this episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where the main storyline was Andrea asks the school board to consider having condoms distributed at West Beverly High School. I remember it because my great-grandmother, who was visiting, walked in while we were watching and was fairly scandalized. I'm sure she didn't expect to find ten-year-old little girls watching something like that.
My grandma left to find our mom and scoffed that we were "watching a show about condoms!"
To this day, even more than remembering the episode, I remember my mom's response: "I'm glad that they're watching a show about condoms. At least they're learning about safe sex somewhere."
So, even though most of the content was over my head, I watched. Because in addition to the girls being cool, and the guys looking cute, I knew that the subject matter was important.
My mother believes that knowledge is power. And so do I.
Abuse of Power: Higher Ground
From the episode: "Exposed"
If there was one thing my parents drilled into us kids, it was always the empowerment that we could say no, if someone tried to touch us in a way that made us feel uncomfortable. From the time we were very little, we were all taught which areas on us were private, and what that meant.
Unfortunately, all the talks and the warnings, and times reading the You Can Say No book didn't keep danger away from us. When we were seven, Tara and I had a friend over from school. She was a second grade little girl, but she cursed, and was abusive - physically and otherwise. It was like hell to have her acting like an angel in front of our parents, when the second the door closed, she called us horrible names, and hurt my sister.
Eight years later, when Jake was in elementary school, a note came home from school that his fourth grade teacher had been arrested for child molestation. Though my brother had never been touched, it affected him deeply. We had a family meeting about it, and he said, "Am I dreaming, or did my teacher really do that?" He couldn't adjust to the new substitute they had for the rest of the year, or the rules she had for spelling tests that were different from his teacher.
And ten years after that, we learned someone who was employed at the after-school program Jamie was a part of had been arrested. This was somebody Jamie had looked up to, and talked about often. Someone who also worked where our mom worked. Someone who she had known for years. She never suspected. No one did. And though Jamie hadn't been hurt, he was shaken by it, to the point where he had nightmares.
Sometimes, I think back to this episode of Higher Ground - a show about a school for troubled teens. Sometimes, it is still a comfort to watch this clip, and see somebody get angry and lose control over what was taken from them.
Because I can relate.
Because three of my four siblings were very nearly victims, too.
Public Health: Real World San Fransisco
From: "A Tribute to Pedro Zamora"
From the time I was a little girl, I knew about AIDS. Eventually, I learned how it was transmitted through blood and bodily fluids. At 12, I was educated, but I was terrified, to know a disease like AIDS was lurking out there. And as much as I knew about the disease, I never had a face to put to with it until The Real World: San Fransisco aired. That is where I first got to know Pedro Zamora.
Pedro was 22, and had been diagnosed with HIV at 17 after having unprotected sex. Like many in the late '80's, Pedro was misinformed about possible risks. After he was diagnosed, Pedro dedicated his life to public speaking - to educating people about protecting themselves against sexually transmittted diseases. After filming The Real World: San Fransisco, Pedro became very ill, dying on the day the final episode aired.
Pedro gave those of us who were still young, or afraid, or uneducated the opportunity to put a face to a very scary disease. He let me know that people with AIDS were normal. They just happened to be very sick. His illness didn't define him. He was just Pedro.
A wonderful young man, wise beyond his years, and gone before his time.
--
Regardless of how little personal knowledge I might have about sex, the media has been a powerful and positive tool in my life. Both in educating me, and also giving me something to relate to when I was all-too-familiar with a situation.
There are plenty of negative things on television and in movies, but there are also many positive things that I have reaped over the years.
It can make a frightening disease personal and stirring. It can convey emotions long-buried. It can open eyes to knowledge and protection.
And it can make a family feel blessedly normal.
NOTE: This week, my partner is the amazing itswhatiam. Be sure to check out his post here.
My parents armed us kids with information about the common dangers when I was growing up in the '80's and early '90's, but sex wasn't ever really at the forefront. In early elementary school, the lessons were in saying no to drugs. They were about fighting back if someone tried to kidnap us.
But most of what I know about sexual ethics, I learned from the media:
Marriage: Parenthood
Parenthood is a movie about the complexities of family. It's a realistic look at what it means to be a parent, and through various stages of a child's life. This scene is focused on one set of parents (with three children) trying to grab a moment alone together.
At eight years old, when this movie was first released, I already knew that having sex led to having babies. To be honest, I think that's about all it meant to me. My parents had been married four years and there were already four of us. Even as a second grader the marriage of Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen's characters seemed realistic. Time alone was sure to be interrupted by a kid, or thoughts of a kid.
I took comfort in the fact that these parents were like my parents.
They weren't perfect. They made mistakes. But at the end of the day, they loved each other through whatever came.
Click to viewPremarital Sex: Beverly Hills, 90210
From the episode: "Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout It"
I still remember the night Tara and I were watching this episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where the main storyline was Andrea asks the school board to consider having condoms distributed at West Beverly High School. I remember it because my great-grandmother, who was visiting, walked in while we were watching and was fairly scandalized. I'm sure she didn't expect to find ten-year-old little girls watching something like that.
My grandma left to find our mom and scoffed that we were "watching a show about condoms!"
To this day, even more than remembering the episode, I remember my mom's response: "I'm glad that they're watching a show about condoms. At least they're learning about safe sex somewhere."
So, even though most of the content was over my head, I watched. Because in addition to the girls being cool, and the guys looking cute, I knew that the subject matter was important.
My mother believes that knowledge is power. And so do I.
Abuse of Power: Higher Ground
From the episode: "Exposed"
If there was one thing my parents drilled into us kids, it was always the empowerment that we could say no, if someone tried to touch us in a way that made us feel uncomfortable. From the time we were very little, we were all taught which areas on us were private, and what that meant.
Unfortunately, all the talks and the warnings, and times reading the You Can Say No book didn't keep danger away from us. When we were seven, Tara and I had a friend over from school. She was a second grade little girl, but she cursed, and was abusive - physically and otherwise. It was like hell to have her acting like an angel in front of our parents, when the second the door closed, she called us horrible names, and hurt my sister.
Eight years later, when Jake was in elementary school, a note came home from school that his fourth grade teacher had been arrested for child molestation. Though my brother had never been touched, it affected him deeply. We had a family meeting about it, and he said, "Am I dreaming, or did my teacher really do that?" He couldn't adjust to the new substitute they had for the rest of the year, or the rules she had for spelling tests that were different from his teacher.
And ten years after that, we learned someone who was employed at the after-school program Jamie was a part of had been arrested. This was somebody Jamie had looked up to, and talked about often. Someone who also worked where our mom worked. Someone who she had known for years. She never suspected. No one did. And though Jamie hadn't been hurt, he was shaken by it, to the point where he had nightmares.
Sometimes, I think back to this episode of Higher Ground - a show about a school for troubled teens. Sometimes, it is still a comfort to watch this clip, and see somebody get angry and lose control over what was taken from them.
Because I can relate.
Because three of my four siblings were very nearly victims, too.
Public Health: Real World San Fransisco
From: "A Tribute to Pedro Zamora"
From the time I was a little girl, I knew about AIDS. Eventually, I learned how it was transmitted through blood and bodily fluids. At 12, I was educated, but I was terrified, to know a disease like AIDS was lurking out there. And as much as I knew about the disease, I never had a face to put to with it until The Real World: San Fransisco aired. That is where I first got to know Pedro Zamora.
Pedro was 22, and had been diagnosed with HIV at 17 after having unprotected sex. Like many in the late '80's, Pedro was misinformed about possible risks. After he was diagnosed, Pedro dedicated his life to public speaking - to educating people about protecting themselves against sexually transmittted diseases. After filming The Real World: San Fransisco, Pedro became very ill, dying on the day the final episode aired.
Pedro gave those of us who were still young, or afraid, or uneducated the opportunity to put a face to a very scary disease. He let me know that people with AIDS were normal. They just happened to be very sick. His illness didn't define him. He was just Pedro.
A wonderful young man, wise beyond his years, and gone before his time.
--
Regardless of how little personal knowledge I might have about sex, the media has been a powerful and positive tool in my life. Both in educating me, and also giving me something to relate to when I was all-too-familiar with a situation.
There are plenty of negative things on television and in movies, but there are also many positive things that I have reaped over the years.
It can make a frightening disease personal and stirring. It can convey emotions long-buried. It can open eyes to knowledge and protection.
And it can make a family feel blessedly normal.
NOTE: This week, my partner is the amazing itswhatiam. Be sure to check out his post here.