Underwhelmed
Sometimes I wonder. I wonder too much, I think. There are so many things to do. Am I lazy? I constantly disappoint myself. Seth is always talking about expecting too much. I don't think I expect too much out of myself. I just think I'm not good enough for not meeting my own expectations. I mean, to look at my life as an outsider, you'd say, "oh, well she's doing quite well, there's nothing wrong there." And there is nothing really wrong, per se.
But they are looking at where I end up. I end up in China, with a degree and a wonderful husband. I end up with my own place, and a job, talking about having kids. But life is about the journey, not the destination. I look at my life, and I see that I'm selfish a lot. I'm not where I want to be with God. I'm a little hypocritical. I complain a lot, and I let my friends down. So I go "OK! I'm gonna change these things!" So I try. And it works! For a while. But then I have a test, or I have to set meetings, write papers, go to doctors appointments. I have to do life. And I forget that I was on a quest of self improvement. I think of where I need to end up, not how I need to get there. And when I remember.... I feel I've let down not only my friends, but myself.
And I wonder when living such an underwhelming life got so overwhelming.
But they are looking at where I end up. I end up in China, with a degree and a wonderful husband. I end up with my own place, and a job, talking about having kids. But life is about the journey, not the destination. I look at my life, and I see that I'm selfish a lot. I'm not where I want to be with God. I'm a little hypocritical. I complain a lot, and I let my friends down. So I go "OK! I'm gonna change these things!" So I try. And it works! For a while. But then I have a test, or I have to set meetings, write papers, go to doctors appointments. I have to do life. And I forget that I was on a quest of self improvement. I think of where I need to end up, not how I need to get there. And when I remember.... I feel I've let down not only my friends, but myself.
And I wonder when living such an underwhelming life got so overwhelming.