(no subject)
So it's been a week.
It's been a rollercoaster of a week, I'm not gonna lie.
I don't want to just write what I think should be written... I want to write what I feel casue that's what this thing is for... so here goes.
The first day I was a mess. I was actually spaced out and in shock. I went outside by myself 2nd period and just put on my sunglasses, sat in the grass and bawled. It was pretty bad but it had to be done. I felt utterly alone and unwanted and I wanted things to just go back to how they used to be but I'm starting to realize that I can get through this. Each day I get better, and frankly I think I'm doing pretty good.
I wanted to see you, touch you, kiss you, i wanted you to love me, miss me, be sad without me, I wanted to hold your hand, be with you, I wanted things like they were before. I wanted the tears to go away and I wanted to make you laugh and I wanted soft kisses and i wanted you to fucking care. I wanted answers and I wanted you to rescue me from this hurt... but you weren't doing any of those things and I just had that deep feeling of hurt inside me and it just made my stomach ache. This all sounds so cliche but I think it's cliche for a reason... it's because I think that every girl that goes through this feels just like that.
It all happened like a dream and I felt like the whole situation was spiraling out of control and I hated not being in control. If our relationship was tangible I would have grabbed it and put it on a box and put a lock on it so it couldn't get away cause i hated losing that security and that comfort. I hated the feeling I had as I lost control of everything. I wanted to hate you so badly but I couldn't.
Some mornings I woke up thinking "fuck this, I'm going to live my life, this year will be my prime" but then all of a sudden I would just become so down. I hate the random mood swings I get becasue all I want to do is be happy and not care, but obviously it's not that simple. A few days after it was over I was past the point where I wanted to bawl everytime I thought about us. I was at the point where, as much as it hurts, I just want to move on. I don't want to feel controlled by the hurt you make me feel anymore, and I didn't want you to feel GUILTY for pushing me out of your life. YOu broke my heart, but time will heal that. I didn't want to give up on us, but I guess there was no other choice.
I can't very well say "I HATE BOYS" like I always do beucase without some of the guys that I've vented to or just screamed about "how stupid boys are" to... I don't know what I'd do. Not to mention my friends who undid themselves by being the most supportive people ever. Without that love I have no fucking idea how I could have got through all these emotions like i did. Once again.. cliche but 100% true. The first couple of days it felt like my heart was breaking more each day, but I think I am finally at the point where I can improve each day and try to move on.
I am feeling less reliant on you now. I can live each day, getting better and happier. Sometimes I'll still want to break down or want to kiss you, or I'll think about all the memories and stuff. But all those will fade , as much as I sorta don't want them to.
I would do it all over again because what we had was wonderful and if we hadn't had it.. we both would have missed out.
School is feeling so draggish and repetitive already and I hate it cause I'm so lame everyday.
ho hum. My weekend.
Friday night after work Steph, Sim, Neil, Kath, Ivan, Mark, Tim, Andy, Katie and I played manhunt at Katie's house and Minerva and I hid ourselves SO well that no one found us and then i said: "fuck it" and slipped on grass and fell. Stiff and I also made: a collage.
Saturday I worked until 2 and then I went shopping and it made me feel better. Except I spent almost all my money again (i have to stop that..)
I bought five shirts, jeans, body butter, etc
After dinner Jenny and I hit up CLUB 108! HELL YES! It was sooo prime *does a-ok hand motion* There were no "ethnics" this time. We heard some classic pick-up lines and we took some gum from a random man and then decided that it might have been extasy and we had better be more careful. They played so much gangstar music, I was in heaven. After pimping, we left, and sat outside the club and talked and laughed until it was time to hit the road jack.
Sunday afternoon I went to the movies with Bronx and her friend Daniel and we saw 40 Year old Virgin (it wasn't as funny the second time but still prime). This random lady told me to take my headphones out casue i was listening to ipod and apparenlty i was talking too loudly.. when clearly the ads hadn't started yet and we were just sitting in the theatre. okay thansk woman.
after the movies I went to Bronx's for dinner and we ate and watched the dance vid from the dance workshop.
i have to go to dance now actually
hormones are making me moodswingish i think.. at least that's why i hope it is, cause i am so lame right now
It's been a rollercoaster of a week, I'm not gonna lie.
I don't want to just write what I think should be written... I want to write what I feel casue that's what this thing is for... so here goes.
The first day I was a mess. I was actually spaced out and in shock. I went outside by myself 2nd period and just put on my sunglasses, sat in the grass and bawled. It was pretty bad but it had to be done. I felt utterly alone and unwanted and I wanted things to just go back to how they used to be but I'm starting to realize that I can get through this. Each day I get better, and frankly I think I'm doing pretty good.
I wanted to see you, touch you, kiss you, i wanted you to love me, miss me, be sad without me, I wanted to hold your hand, be with you, I wanted things like they were before. I wanted the tears to go away and I wanted to make you laugh and I wanted soft kisses and i wanted you to fucking care. I wanted answers and I wanted you to rescue me from this hurt... but you weren't doing any of those things and I just had that deep feeling of hurt inside me and it just made my stomach ache. This all sounds so cliche but I think it's cliche for a reason... it's because I think that every girl that goes through this feels just like that.
It all happened like a dream and I felt like the whole situation was spiraling out of control and I hated not being in control. If our relationship was tangible I would have grabbed it and put it on a box and put a lock on it so it couldn't get away cause i hated losing that security and that comfort. I hated the feeling I had as I lost control of everything. I wanted to hate you so badly but I couldn't.
Some mornings I woke up thinking "fuck this, I'm going to live my life, this year will be my prime" but then all of a sudden I would just become so down. I hate the random mood swings I get becasue all I want to do is be happy and not care, but obviously it's not that simple. A few days after it was over I was past the point where I wanted to bawl everytime I thought about us. I was at the point where, as much as it hurts, I just want to move on. I don't want to feel controlled by the hurt you make me feel anymore, and I didn't want you to feel GUILTY for pushing me out of your life. YOu broke my heart, but time will heal that. I didn't want to give up on us, but I guess there was no other choice.
I can't very well say "I HATE BOYS" like I always do beucase without some of the guys that I've vented to or just screamed about "how stupid boys are" to... I don't know what I'd do. Not to mention my friends who undid themselves by being the most supportive people ever. Without that love I have no fucking idea how I could have got through all these emotions like i did. Once again.. cliche but 100% true. The first couple of days it felt like my heart was breaking more each day, but I think I am finally at the point where I can improve each day and try to move on.
I am feeling less reliant on you now. I can live each day, getting better and happier. Sometimes I'll still want to break down or want to kiss you, or I'll think about all the memories and stuff. But all those will fade , as much as I sorta don't want them to.
I would do it all over again because what we had was wonderful and if we hadn't had it.. we both would have missed out.
School is feeling so draggish and repetitive already and I hate it cause I'm so lame everyday.
ho hum. My weekend.
Friday night after work Steph, Sim, Neil, Kath, Ivan, Mark, Tim, Andy, Katie and I played manhunt at Katie's house and Minerva and I hid ourselves SO well that no one found us and then i said: "fuck it" and slipped on grass and fell. Stiff and I also made: a collage.
Saturday I worked until 2 and then I went shopping and it made me feel better. Except I spent almost all my money again (i have to stop that..)
I bought five shirts, jeans, body butter, etc
After dinner Jenny and I hit up CLUB 108! HELL YES! It was sooo prime *does a-ok hand motion* There were no "ethnics" this time. We heard some classic pick-up lines and we took some gum from a random man and then decided that it might have been extasy and we had better be more careful. They played so much gangstar music, I was in heaven. After pimping, we left, and sat outside the club and talked and laughed until it was time to hit the road jack.
Sunday afternoon I went to the movies with Bronx and her friend Daniel and we saw 40 Year old Virgin (it wasn't as funny the second time but still prime). This random lady told me to take my headphones out casue i was listening to ipod and apparenlty i was talking too loudly.. when clearly the ads hadn't started yet and we were just sitting in the theatre. okay thansk woman.
after the movies I went to Bronx's for dinner and we ate and watched the dance vid from the dance workshop.
i have to go to dance now actually
hormones are making me moodswingish i think.. at least that's why i hope it is, cause i am so lame right now