(no subject)
so I haven't written in a while. life is good. I am hoping to move into this place of westhiemer with ali. we are gonna fill out the app today. my friends make me happy. they are my family. my mother insists on barraging me with religion talks. it's not that I don't believe. it's that I am appathetic to it. that's sad. but it's the truth. I'm not gonna lie to her or to myself. I am also not going to be a fake and pretend to be something that I'm not. I hate fake people. I've noticed a change in a few of my friends. it's kind of creepy. and alan thinks he can call me up when ever he wants to just shoot the shit. I'm not gonna make myself available to that doushe. seriously. he thinks I should just drop what I'm doing and give him my full attention...for what him to ramble about music or work?? hahaha you wish. I want to be more specific on certain topics but I don't think anyone reads this any way so why waste my time? I get sad sometimes...not depressed but sad. I miss my dad. I miss his annoying calls that always seemed to interrupt things. I miss just knowing that he's up in mn watching some documentry about something insignifigant and loving it. I cry sometimes. I wish he was still here. I keep replaying everything in my mind...especially when I feel like I've done something wrong. it's kind of like a conscience but at the same time not. I dunno it's strange. I need to start school I need to accomplish something instead of living day to day and for the moment. I'm tired of feeling so directionless. but at the same time I have a sort of peace about everything maybe that I know that things will turn out...that I'm in a rut for the time being...my mother makes me feel like a worthless person like everything I do is pointless and never saticfactory. she never seems happy with anything I do or don't do. I showed her a painting I did yesterday...I haven't painted in at least two years...I thought maybe I would get some kind of reaction other than...that's nice. with the go away hand motion. thanks mom...thanks for wanting me to "find myself" as she always puts it...as soon as any thing creative pops in to my mind it's shit to her. it's funny because out of all the people I want to please she is first on the list and always the one who I can never live up to. she hurts me.