(no subject)
im scared. im scared of getting close to anyone. im afraid that they are going to rip my heart out and stomp on it and then laugh in my face and leave me the very minute that i feel most intimate with them. the very minute that i feel the most secure, because they know that thats when youre most vulnerable. im afraid of just sitting in the ground after im dead. rotting with maggots and extremely long earth worms crawling in and out of my eyeball sockets and mouth. im scared of sex, because the thought of someone inside me scares me, they become me and i become them and when they leave, theyre going to be apart of me forever. im scared of my emotions, or showing my emotions to anyone, because then youre defenseless to people fucking you over. then youre weak and naive and scared and anyone at any moment could rip you apart because they know. i like wearing sunglasses alot. because its the only way no one knows if youre crying. im scared of loving, because ive never loved and ive never been loved by someone who i wanted to love me. by anyone. and anyone who give me the least fucking bit of attention, i fall for, either because i never get attention and i think that them showering me wih attention is love. but its not. i know its not. i think i just want to think that its love. because thats what i want the most. i just want to be happy, i mean i am happy but im sad and happy at the same time and sometimes i feel like im going to implode. like im exploding from the inside out. this, this scares me too.