IC: Living in Shadows
Home again.
The usual thing, creep inside quietly, close the door with all the care of slipping into the den of a sleeping grizzly.
Only the bear here never sleeps. He is vigilant and he is unpredictable and I hate this feeling.
Only tonight I do not care nearly as much. As I walked in I felt calm. I felt like this was my home and I was more than a guest. In truth, I have no legal claim to it, but it matters not. This is my family's manor after all, I am entitled to spend my nights here if I wish. In all my years I have never felt like I accomplished a thing. Never when I learned a song, or mastered a spell. Not even when I completed my studies. I was aware of the fact that I could justify those extra hours of sleep, though, which was nice!
But today? I helped someone.
This came later, after I left Mulgore. I.. I am not even sure I should bother writing about that. I feel no glory. No accomplishment there. What is there really to celebrate in what happened tonight? I would wish to never speak of it again, though it was at least some test of my power. I hope to have a better opportunity to experiment in the future. Any idiot can pull a trigger, as they say, but the good shots are judged if they can make the shot when it counts. I intend to, when the time is right.
I had an opportunity to.. test my social skills as well. This I am certainly not proud of. Did I think myself cute?
........
Okay yes, I did. And it was dumb. And I nearly paid for it by being cast out. I have no one left.. I need not to burn bridges with my own stupidity. I cannot rely on Telarion, whose loyalty seems to change with the tide. And Traejan is.. *a series of scribbled out words*.
Thistle at least is kind. He has always been kind to me. I trust him. I trusted him before, when he followed the Highlord.. and now he follows this Magister. Some might say that he is not the best person to look to in matters of trust, but who do I have left? Things have fallen into my lap in such a way that at this point I have no choice. I have considered writing to him, asking to speak with him.. but he is a simple man. I would not call him stupid, because that would be wrong. He is.. different. I don't know how to describe it, but his way of being I find incredibly endearing. It is refreshing, when so many talk of blood and murder and carnage.
And as I write that I remember whom I work so hard to heal.
I am a mess of contradictions and silliness.
If I did write Thistle again, where do I begin? I do not even know what he knows. I don't even know if he trusts me like I trust him, out of necessity..
Very clingy, Tarin. Quite. Grasping at threads here. It's really not attractive and you know it. Stupid, stupid girl.
Which reminds me!
A joke? My joke was hardly that. My target of ridicule, an exceptionally poor choice. If only I had the opportunity to go back in time and do that all over again, Fel, I would. In an instant. If not because of the sort of person I could tell that he was, it was wrong simply because it is unwise to poke at someone of his station. Honestly, had I lost my mind? He probably had no idea what the Fel I was prattling on about. He thought I called him a coward! I'd been referring to the silliness about his drunken romp in Crystalsong a few nights ago, but that came out entirely wrong. And he probably wished to never, ever recall that again. The pages were gone when I woke up, after all. Why do I put my foot in my mouth? I keep turning it over in my head, as I am prone to doing, and I still don't have an answer for it. Apologies, that is all I had. I can only hope that he believed that I truly meant no offence. I will retire to bed with it on my mind and likely awaken in the same fashion, wishing to kick myself.
But.. onward to my small victory.
I had barely set foot in Silvermoon again, covered in Mulgore dust and grass and wishing desperately for a nice shower after all that camping before I was discovered by a close family friend. We had a talk, chiefly about my problems and then onward to her's. I offered to help her with her's as she agreed to attempt to sort out mine. Fair enough. But time was of the essence and despite the fact that I very badly longed for my bed it couldn't wait.
I met with the "problem" in question, after a quick flight. She was quite angry to be beset upon by a complete stranger, but I do believe I talked some sense into the girl. I could feel my hands trembling as I faced her, like looking into the eyes of Death itself. She had her blade drawn, ice creeping about around her. I have no doubt she could have torn me in two if I'd allowed it. But in the end she backed down, so I do believe my words struck some sort of chord with her. I walked away with a grand sense of triumph.
I make it all sound so simple now, I know, but it is difficult to describe. The words came as if on their own, like I knew exactly what I should say to her..
This felt like my first accomplishment. It felt like it was true, that this is indeed my calling. To help these people, when they are so often cast aside and overlooked. I cannot see monsters when I look at them; simply the result of poor construction and lack of care. I only wish Traejan would give me the opportunity to understand him better, but no matter my bribe he refuses.
Is it wrong of me to think that it would have been easier now simply because of how he is? It wasn't, but I had tried. That is.. manipulation, isn't it? Finding a weakness and seeking to exploit it..
And my own blood?
What kind of person am I?
One day I would like to explain to him why it is I've gone to all these lengths. My inspiration and my driving force. I hope to have that opportunity.
Vittani told me.. "you can't fix everything". But I don't see why you can't try. Giving up on people is wrong. Abandoning them isn't fair.
I want to be that person for anyone else. For those who need it the most. That's all I've ever wanted.. was to be useful. Surely someone out there can see this, yes?
I do hope so.
I close this tonight with a smile on my face and look forward to the morning.
The usual thing, creep inside quietly, close the door with all the care of slipping into the den of a sleeping grizzly.
Only the bear here never sleeps. He is vigilant and he is unpredictable and I hate this feeling.
Only tonight I do not care nearly as much. As I walked in I felt calm. I felt like this was my home and I was more than a guest. In truth, I have no legal claim to it, but it matters not. This is my family's manor after all, I am entitled to spend my nights here if I wish. In all my years I have never felt like I accomplished a thing. Never when I learned a song, or mastered a spell. Not even when I completed my studies. I was aware of the fact that I could justify those extra hours of sleep, though, which was nice!
But today? I helped someone.
This came later, after I left Mulgore. I.. I am not even sure I should bother writing about that. I feel no glory. No accomplishment there. What is there really to celebrate in what happened tonight? I would wish to never speak of it again, though it was at least some test of my power. I hope to have a better opportunity to experiment in the future. Any idiot can pull a trigger, as they say, but the good shots are judged if they can make the shot when it counts. I intend to, when the time is right.
I had an opportunity to.. test my social skills as well. This I am certainly not proud of. Did I think myself cute?
........
Okay yes, I did. And it was dumb. And I nearly paid for it by being cast out. I have no one left.. I need not to burn bridges with my own stupidity. I cannot rely on Telarion, whose loyalty seems to change with the tide. And Traejan is.. *a series of scribbled out words*.
Thistle at least is kind. He has always been kind to me. I trust him. I trusted him before, when he followed the Highlord.. and now he follows this Magister. Some might say that he is not the best person to look to in matters of trust, but who do I have left? Things have fallen into my lap in such a way that at this point I have no choice. I have considered writing to him, asking to speak with him.. but he is a simple man. I would not call him stupid, because that would be wrong. He is.. different. I don't know how to describe it, but his way of being I find incredibly endearing. It is refreshing, when so many talk of blood and murder and carnage.
And as I write that I remember whom I work so hard to heal.
I am a mess of contradictions and silliness.
If I did write Thistle again, where do I begin? I do not even know what he knows. I don't even know if he trusts me like I trust him, out of necessity..
Very clingy, Tarin. Quite. Grasping at threads here. It's really not attractive and you know it. Stupid, stupid girl.
Which reminds me!
A joke? My joke was hardly that. My target of ridicule, an exceptionally poor choice. If only I had the opportunity to go back in time and do that all over again, Fel, I would. In an instant. If not because of the sort of person I could tell that he was, it was wrong simply because it is unwise to poke at someone of his station. Honestly, had I lost my mind? He probably had no idea what the Fel I was prattling on about. He thought I called him a coward! I'd been referring to the silliness about his drunken romp in Crystalsong a few nights ago, but that came out entirely wrong. And he probably wished to never, ever recall that again. The pages were gone when I woke up, after all. Why do I put my foot in my mouth? I keep turning it over in my head, as I am prone to doing, and I still don't have an answer for it. Apologies, that is all I had. I can only hope that he believed that I truly meant no offence. I will retire to bed with it on my mind and likely awaken in the same fashion, wishing to kick myself.
But.. onward to my small victory.
I had barely set foot in Silvermoon again, covered in Mulgore dust and grass and wishing desperately for a nice shower after all that camping before I was discovered by a close family friend. We had a talk, chiefly about my problems and then onward to her's. I offered to help her with her's as she agreed to attempt to sort out mine. Fair enough. But time was of the essence and despite the fact that I very badly longed for my bed it couldn't wait.
I met with the "problem" in question, after a quick flight. She was quite angry to be beset upon by a complete stranger, but I do believe I talked some sense into the girl. I could feel my hands trembling as I faced her, like looking into the eyes of Death itself. She had her blade drawn, ice creeping about around her. I have no doubt she could have torn me in two if I'd allowed it. But in the end she backed down, so I do believe my words struck some sort of chord with her. I walked away with a grand sense of triumph.
I make it all sound so simple now, I know, but it is difficult to describe. The words came as if on their own, like I knew exactly what I should say to her..
This felt like my first accomplishment. It felt like it was true, that this is indeed my calling. To help these people, when they are so often cast aside and overlooked. I cannot see monsters when I look at them; simply the result of poor construction and lack of care. I only wish Traejan would give me the opportunity to understand him better, but no matter my bribe he refuses.
Is it wrong of me to think that it would have been easier now simply because of how he is? It wasn't, but I had tried. That is.. manipulation, isn't it? Finding a weakness and seeking to exploit it..
And my own blood?
What kind of person am I?
One day I would like to explain to him why it is I've gone to all these lengths. My inspiration and my driving force. I hope to have that opportunity.
Vittani told me.. "you can't fix everything". But I don't see why you can't try. Giving up on people is wrong. Abandoning them isn't fair.
I want to be that person for anyone else. For those who need it the most. That's all I've ever wanted.. was to be useful. Surely someone out there can see this, yes?
I do hope so.
I close this tonight with a smile on my face and look forward to the morning.