(no subject)
I have realized that life is a popularity contest I try so hard to compete in but I am losing horribly.
See, I know what everyone sees, or I like to think I do. Others see this loud, confident girl who is a senior in college, sorority girl, I have things together. I get the guys, I go to the parties, I get invited to the cool events, I hang out with lots of people.
Truth is, tonight, on the night I ususally go out and get drunk and dance on top of stages and make out with boys and screaming and singing real loud, I am sitting at home writing this entry. Because I haven't been out to the club on thursday in over a month and half. I haven't been that Paula for a while. I am trying to get myself back, and as I do, I realize I am not as popular or cool as I was hoping. It was just a facade of alcohol and parties that I got drug along too. So you ask, what brought this about? Well, see I have these quote-unquote friends from high school, and I always hang out with them with one of my galfriends....well now they all call her first to go out. And then I get the hand-me-down-invite. That blows. REALLY bad. Like what is wrong with me? But I know, I don't giggle just right, I am not skinny, I don't make the right conversation, guys just don't see me like that...all in all, I am invisible.
That is why I am so loud, that is way I crave to be the center of attention when I go out, to feel alive, to feel accepted, to feel noticed. If not, I would always just sit at home feeling sorry for myself. And it's not like I didn't get 5 or more calls inviting me out, it's just...I don't know, didn't feel genuine. Like they invite me cuz they hope my friends will come with me. I am so jealous all the time. ALL the time.
I am jealous of my friend, we will call her Caly or something so I don't use real names. Caly is that girl, the beautiful one that doesn;t try to be popular, but gets everyone attention. And she's one of my best. But I most of the time, can;t stand to be around her. Not her in general, I love hanging out with her, but when I am around her in public, I feel so invisible, so second place. She gets upset because I have to say hi to people first or give hugs first...but its not that, its that I want to be noticed the way she always gets noticed. I want a guy to buy my a drink. I want a guy to come over to a table to talk to me and my friends because of me. I want my friends to call me and invite me out first, since they are my friends. But no, with her, I am just a second place. I don't think she knows this is how I feel. I don't know if she realizes this is why I always snap at her and get pissed off when I have to her her complain about her problems. It's NOT her fault, it's all in my head. She is a normal girl with normal problems, but I am just shallow and self absorbed and I want people to notice me too. Like I feel so small and like I am yelling "Look at me!!! I am a good person to get to know and hang out with too!!!" Even if I am not as pretty or skinny, I am still a personality, a humor, wit, all wrapped up into this body.
Also going on right now, I want him to want me. We will call this "him" Joe for now. See, Joe is amazing, he is gorgeous and smart and makes me feel so pretty and he talks to me. But I am his 'best girl friend', not his potential girl friend. Because I won't sleep with him and he just doesn't see me like that. WHY can I NOT be seen like that!!!! ugh!!! And yet Joe will tell me how beautiful I am and how he is a attracted to me. Fuck off already and go get laid by someone else, or wake up and realize you want to date me and just wait for me.
I just can't stand spoiled people either. The ones that moved down her and daddy and nmommy pay for everything...their rent, gas, car insurance, cell phone, and these people think they live on their own, they act like they are so grown up and mature and they have so many more freedoms than I do because I live at home and have to work to pay for my own things and my own bills.
So...this is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff that is bothering me, but I don't feel like typing anymore...
I want to be:
-skinny
-funnier
-invited out to things
-popular
-liked
signing out
Paula