Where We Went Wrong (I)
Summary: After Super Junior, Kyuhyun and Jongwoon live together, testing every possible limit to their relationship and watching as everything crumbles to pieces.
Char/Pair: Kyuhyun/Yesung
Genre: friendship, romance, angst, drama, porny bits, some humor/fluff throughout~
Rating: R
Word Count: ~36,000 (I’m not even joking)
Of all the Super Junior members, Jongwoon hadn’t expected to stay with Kyuhyun post-band breakup. Actually, he never really expected to stay with anyone-he’d thought that he’d be on his own, alone, no one to be with, no one to talk to. Instead he’s with a man three years younger than him, a man whom he’s known well for the past several years, a man with very little respect and far too much free time, a man with a quick mind and an honest heart to boot.
In retrospect, Jongwoon figures that the only reason they’re staying together is because they both have their own solo careers as singers. Of course, Ryeowook has his solo career too-but on top of that he’s running a restaurant and also enjoys people’s company far too much to consider having less than two roommates. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon aren’t one of these types of people-Jongwoon had thought Kyuhyun would be, but apparently he’s not.
He hadn’t even chosen Kyuhyun, anyways. Kyuhyun hadn’t chosen him either. It had been a mutual thing: when they had left, they had moved in together. There wasn’t any conversation or dispute over it-it just sort of happened. At least, that’s what Jongwoon has always known.
**
Kyuhyun comes home around five in the afternoon. It’s the normal thing, the daily routine-wake up at six, say brief hellos, have a small, quiet breakfast and then leave around six thirty. It’s what they’ve grown to be used to. Sometimes they’ll be a little early, other times late-but it’s not like either of them know because they don’t go to the same place.
When Kyuhyun arrives, Jongwoon’s already in the kitchen, fixing himself up a little dinner. His schedule is a little less busy today, so he decides that he can have a bit of time for himself. Cook something from scratch for once, rather than the takeout they usually have (sometimes not even together, since occasionally Kyuhyun will come around nine, or maybe Jongwoon will return at one in the morning. They don’t tell each other-but they expect each other to come home some time.)
“Hi,” Jongwoon says from behind the marble counter, turning to the front door where Kyuhyun is busy taking his shoes off. “Feel like fish tonight?” He indicates the large bass he’s chopping up on a wood board; he had learned a few things from Ryeowook back in Super Junior days.
Kyuhyun shakes his head no and smiles. “It’s all right. I need to meet up with my manager later tonight anyways, so I’m probably going to catch dinner along the way there.”
“Oh come on, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says to him. “Look at this! Doesn’t this look delicious!” He brings up the board and shows the raw fish laying on it.
Kyuhyun grimaces and shakes his head again. He lets out a small, forced laugh. “Really, hyung, it’s fine. I’m going to get dinner with my manager. But thanks for the offer.”
He makes his way past their kitchen and past Jongwoon, down the hall and to his bedroom. Jongwoon stares after him, but then shrugs to himself. Oh well. More fish for him.
**
Kyuhyun and Jongwoon have always been the more talkative of people; but strangely, Jongwoon finds that he’s quiet around Kyuhyun the most. Maybe Kyuhyun gives off a demeanor that makes Jongwoon falter, maybe Jongwoon just isn’t interesting enough for Kyuhyun-whatever it is, it makes the world between them stay at peace for the moments they are together.
Jongwoon’s sitting at his bookshelf and looking through old CDs when Kyuhyun comes home, and turns his head when he sees Kyuhyun. “Hi,” he says, because it’s instinct, it’s everything he’s been used to.
“Hi,” Kyuhyun says back, putting his bag on the kitchen counter. “What are you doing over there?”
“Looking through some of our old discography,” Jongwoon says pleasantly, pulling out a large black and white disk. At least, the main colors are black and white-but it doesn’t seem grayscale at all (though considering its age it might as well be). “Remember this?”
Kyuhyun stares at it. “Yeah, I remember,” he says softly, staring at the disc cover.
“Good times.” Jongwoon chuckles and glances to the cardboard himself. “I kind of miss it all. Don’t you?”
But when he looks back to Kyuhyun, he sees that Kyuhyun isn’t there. He wonders where Kyuhyun has gone, and why he has left. The second thought lingers in his head a little bit longer, but he shoves it aside and puts the disc back on the shelf.
**
Dinners together are as quiet as breakfasts together. Sometimes Jongwoon wants to have lunch with Kyuhyun, just to see if he’ll be any different.
The only sound in the apartment is the slurping of the noodles Jongwoon had ordered earlier today, aside from the heater of course. In an attempt to make some sort of conversation, Jongwoon lifts his head up and looks to Kyuhyun who’s still munching on his ramen hungrily.
“How was your day today?” he asks-strangely, he feels like they’re one of those couples who pry into each other’s lives all the time and reveal nothing. He looks at Kyuhyun expectantly.
It seems as though the question has thrown Kyuhyun off guard. It takes a moment for Kyuhyun to finish swallowing his food before nodding his head up and looking to Jongwoon. “Good,” he says, almost like they’ve been having this conversation all along. He wipes his mouth with his napkin. “You?”
“Mine was pretty good too,” Jongwoon says, and then it’s the end of that.
**
Their evening goes by smoothly-almost boring, Jongwoon realizes as he tells Kyuhyun that he’s going out to make their weekly mailbox check. Kyuhyun nods to him and then returns to his computer, where he’s gaming. Jongwoon’s gaze lingers a little longer than it probably should-but he makes no note of importance of this, and goes out to get their mail.
The envelopes are always the same-junk mail, bank mail, newspaper, maybe a note or two from one of their parents. There isn’t anything new in today’s batch. There’s never anything new.
Jongwoon comes back into their apartment soon enough and tosses most of the junk mail (sent to “Current Resident” as neither Jongwoon nor Kyuhyun individually own this apartment) in the trash can, leaves a few letters addressed to Kyuhyun on the counter, and then takes the newspaper and goes into the living room. He sits down on the couch and props his feet up on the coffee table, spreading the paper in front of him. Kyuhyun glances to him, a little.
“Anything interesting in there?” he asks him.
“Same old, same old,” Jongwoon replies, like it’s always been his life.
**
Sometimes Jongwoon will forget that he’s a grown man, except for the days where lust tingles at the pit of his stomach. Then he does what he can to make the feeling go away, in the middle of his showers, and comes out like nothing’s happened. (Sometimes he wonders if Kyuhyun feels the same, if Kyuhyun does the same, too. The thought makes heat and hazes blur through his mind, but he doesn’t bother to stop to wonder what it means.)
**
They aren’t in touch with any of the other Super Junior members. Well. To say that they never were would be a lie. Jongwoon had attempted to stay in contact with Donghae and Ryeowook and Jungsu for quite a while, but it had all soon fallen away. And as far as he knows, Kyuhyun had telephoned Donghee and Hyukjae every day for a few months-but that had stopped quickly as well. It’s sort of sad, Jongwoon realizes when he reflects upon it. But life must go on.
Kyuhyun isn’t a Super Junior member to him anymore. He isn’t a fellow bandmate. He’s not a friend, he’s not a brother; rather, he’s become nothing but a roommate to him. Jongwoon doesn’t know what this means. But he doesn’t spend too much time thinking about that, either.
A few days later he comes home to see Kyuhyun on the phone, talking rapidly to whoever’s on the other end. It takes a while for Jongwoon to make sense of his words-but then again, Kyuhyun has never been the best speaker. (All mumbles he had been; all murmurs and awkward phrases.)
“Yes, Mom, yes-I’ll visit you, calm down. I’ve just been busy lately-yes, it’s almost winter, I know, I’ll be there with you and Dad and everyone for Christmas-I understand, noona’s going to be there, and so will I-Jesus Christ.”
When he hangs up, he rubs his temples and sighs. Jongwoon peers down at him carefully.
“Everything all right?” he asks.
“I… Oh, it’s fine, hyung,” Kyuhyun replies, not looking up at him. “I just… I’m going to be away for a few weeks, if that’s okay with you.” He peeks at him through his fingers, almost in a childish manner. Jongwoon presses back a small chuckle.
“It’s all right,” he tells Kyuhyun. “I understand. You probably need to take a break from work and spend time with your family anyways.”
“So everyone’s been telling me,” Kyuhyun grumbles, and Jongwoon laughs a little bit harder. “But, thanks hyung. Don’t get too lonely without me.”
**
The next few days go by as usual. They wake up, they brush their teeth, they change their clothes in their respective bedrooms. They say good morning and eat breakfast and make sure to see that everything around their apartment is in check. Then they go to their respective jobs, their respective lives.
Kyuhyun leaves on Thursday. Jongwoon offers to see him off, but Kyuhyun politely declines and says that he can get a taxi all by himself. Jongwoon laughs and tells him, “You’re still the magnae, Kyuhyun. Even to me.”
Kyuhyun pauses but doesn’t say anything about this; the next second, he’s gone.
Jongwoon’s okay with it. After Kyuhyun’s departure, he manages to go around their apartment and read magazines, feed his turtles, eat dinner, and, oh, he can practice his singing now that Kyuhyun’s not here! (Not that they’ve never heard each other’s voices before, but-well, with Kyuhyun around, it would have just been awkward.) It’s just like Kyuhyun’s out late with his work and schedule and everything. It’s just like Kyuhyun’s not going to come home too early, but maybe when Jongwoon’s asleep. It’s just like Kyuhyun’s not here, but he will be here, he will be.
Except today, Kyuhyun’s not coming back.
**
He tells himself he adjusts to it. He wakes up to an empty apartment (but it’s not empty if one person occupies it, right?) and brushes his teeth by himself (rather than amusedly glancing to Kyuhyun awkwardly in the mirror, no matter how many times it’s happened) and changes his clothes without the fear of Kyuhyun accidentally walking in on him. He remains mute throughout the morning and eats breakfast at the small table with no one sitting across from him, and it’s Jongwoon alone who makes sure that their apartment is neat and tidy before he takes off for the day.
During his work, he laughs with his manager and records songs for his new album-he’s a little flat but it’s okay because he’ll get it next time. He eats lunch out-and strangely, even though he always eats lunch by himself, he feels a little bit more lonely today-and then returns. It’s all part of schedule, he knows. Just a part of schedule.
And so when he comes home, he takes off his shoes and proceeds with his afternoon. He reads some books, surfs the internet a little bit, makes some dinner. He watches some television and spoils himself to a few unhealthy snacks. He calls his mother and feeds his turtles again and cleans up his room a little bit. He does all this, because it’s what he’s always done.
**
Oddly enough, though, it feels like something is missing. Jongwoon isn’t quite sure what it is, or why, or anything. Kyuhyun has never had the most significant presence, and there was never-there was never anything too special about having him around.
Jongwoon refuses to think about it, though. He refuses to. He goes on because he’s Jongwoon, he’s a man. And it’s not just about the dignity he has to retain while Kyuhyun’s not here, but also because of the dignity he has to replace in Kyuhyun’s absence.
But he’ll be back soon. He’ll come home. And so Jongwoon goes on.
**
(Jongwoon still feels alone, though. He feels alone for the first time, for the first time in two years. Ever since, ever since they had fallen apart, ever since they had broken-)
**
He celebrates Christmas by himself, which is all right. He’d visit his parents but they’re in Japan where is brother is living, and he doesn’t really feel like traveling outside of the country. Besides, this is Seoul, this is his home. This has been his home his whole life.
Of course, he gets presents in the mail a few days after Christmas and opens them up, feeling like a kid again. He gets new clothes from his family and some books and other spare items from old friends, maybe old friends he had forgotten about, old friends who hadn’t forgotten him. Regardless, he doesn’t take a second glance at the names and addresses, and instead takes his new presents and puts them in his room. Then he leaves a small gift in the corner of Kyuhyun’s room, because even if Kyuhyun isn’t technically here, at least there’s still someone he can share the holiday cheer with.
It’s not the same as Christmases he’s had in the past, and it’s not something he can get used to. But he can live with it, just this one time.
**
New Year’s comes and goes; and soon enough, Kyuhyun’s back. It’s still sort of snowing a little-it always snows a bit too much in Korea-and Kyuhyun’s covered with frost all over his jacket and shoes and bags.
“Here, let me help you,” Jongwoon says as he takes the suitcase from Kyuhyun’s hand and rolls it along the wooden floor to Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He hears Kyuhyun breathe heavily behind him, probably from the cold-he can still hear Kyuhyun even when he makes his way out of the hallway, and thinks it’s his imagination before he realizes that Kyuhyun’s standing right behind him.
“Thanks,” Kyuhyun manages out as he takes deep breaths. “God, it is freezing as hell out there. Was it always this freezing in Seoul? How did we even manage?”
“I have no idea,” Jongwoon says with a laugh as he drops Kyuhyun’s suitcase. He looks to Kyuhyun, to see that Kyuhyun’s cheeks are flushed and his hair is slightly messy, stuck all over the place with little snowflakes dangling on a few strands.
“You should probably take a shower,” Jongwoon tells him, moving over to wipe Kyuhyun’s face a little bit. “Before you get a cold or anything, you know.”
“Good idea.”
Kyuhyun exhales one last time before leaving the room. Jongwoon watches after him with a smile on his face, feeling a little less than alone now.
**
Everything seems to fall into place after a few hours, now with Kyuhyun back. Jongwoon adjusts to having a roommate again-it’s a little bit louder than it had always been, at first, but then they return to habit, to routine.
Jongwoon’s not the type to have deep, meaningful conversations-Kyuhyun had never been either, he knows-but he says to Kyuhyun, “I missed you while you were gone.”
Kyuhyun laughs a hearty laugh. “Didn’t I tell you not to miss me?”
“No.” And Jongwoon pouts a little. “You told me not to get too lonely-which, by the way, I did not.”
“If you missed me, clearly you did.”
“How was visiting your family, anyways?” Jongwoon asks.
“Oh, you know. Hectic and stuff.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “The usual sort of family meetings, only this time my sister acted like a cranky old cat lady and my mom didn’t go off on a spiel about my life again.”
“Sounds like you had a good time.”
“You can say that.”
Kyuhyun chuckles; Jongwoon’s suddenly aware of the space between them. He brushes the thought aside.
“Did you miss me?” he asks (just for fun though, because he’s not serious-he’s never serious when it comes to Kyuhyun.)
Kyuhyun laughs again. “Yes, hyung. I missed you very, very much.”
**
So it seems like everything is normal again. Because it is, it really is. It’s normal again because Kyuhyun’s back, and even if it isn’t significantly louder, it’s significantly less empty around here.
But it makes Jongwoon think. It makes Jongwoon think, how Kyuhyun was gone, like he’s always been gone, but he’s not. They’re here together-and even though Kyuhyun had left, he had come back. Because this is his home. This is Jongwoon’s home, and this is Kyuhyun’s home. This is the home that they have together.
The thought makes Jongwoon wonder where’s his home, if this is the home they’re really supposed to have.
He keeps silent, though.
**
But then again-
**
Jongwoon brings up the subject of Super Junior over dinner.
“I kind of,” he starts, “I kind of miss everything, you know?”
Kyuhyun looks at him from his rice. “What are you talking about?”
“Super Junior,” Jongwoon states-Kyuhyun freezes. “You remember, right? How we were all together, one big happy family… one really big family,” and he chuckles, “but still. It was really nice. I miss it.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
Jongwoon tilts his head to the side. “You do remember, don’t you, Kyuhyun?”
“Of course I do.” Kyuhyun doesn’t look up. “How can I not?”
“Why don’t you say anything about it, then?” Jongwoon asks.
Kyuhyun glances to him. “Maybe I just don’t have anything to say,” he snaps.
Alarmed, Jongwoon puts his chopsticks down and looks at Kyuhyun worriedly. “Are you okay, Kyuhyun? Is there something you want to talk about?”
“I’m fine.”
Kyuhyun drops his own chopsticks; it lands on the table with a loud clang. He gets up from the table.
“Wh-Where are you going?” Jongwoon asks as Kyuhyun starts to walk away. “You can’t just-Kyuhyun!”
“I’m not hungry,” is Kyuhyun’s reply.
All Jongwoon hears afterwards is a slam of a door. He sighs and puts his head in his hands, lost and confused.
**
The next day is awkward, mostly because the last time they had seen each other was dinner the day previous. Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything so Jongwoon doesn’t either, though the thoughts still trouble him as he looks at Kyuhyun while he brushes his teeth. Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows towards him in the mirror.
“You’re so creepy, hyung,” he says to him, gaze fixed on his reflection.
“Wh-” Jongwoon suddenly blushes at the realization that he’s staring, and quickly darts his eyes away. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Kyuhyun says with a chuckle, and then spits into the sink.
Their morning goes on like it always does, though Jongwoon can’t help but look at Kyuhyun a little longer as Kyuhyun stands in the doorway, putting his shoes on. Kyuhyun glances at him; Jongwoon quickly averts his eyes to the sink instead.
“Make sure that you lock your turtle tank today,” he says to him. “I don’t want to find your pets’ waste in my room like I did a few weeks ago.”
Jongwoon chuckles, trying to make it sound real. “Okay, I will,” he says to Kyuhyun, and doesn’t respond when Kyuhyun bids him farewell.
**
The thing is, Jongwoon misses Super Junior. He misses them a lot. He misses all the members-and he can list them off, one by one if he really wanted to. He misses singing with them, dancing with them, going on shows with them, recording in the studio with them-it’s not the same, now, recording songs on his own. There’s no one for him to make stupid remarks with, to be stupid with, to make inside jokes with, to tease and laugh with.
He supposes he’s alone. (But he does have Kyuhyun.)
And anyways, he tells himself, he’s not really alone. He probably just reminisces too much. Misses the past too much. There’s nothing he can do about it now. He has to learn to be independent. He has to learn to be by himself. He has to learn to be on his own.
Kyuhyun isn’t helping him with this.
**
He decides not to bring up the subject of Super Junior again, in case of angering Kyuhyun. He doesn’t have to worry, though. He rarely has the words to speak.
Somehow, the subject of China comes between them later this afternoon, while Kyuhyun is on the computer and Jongwoon is looking over some of his old music theory notes, trying to get inspiration for a tune. He isn’t even aware that they had been talking, but one thing leads to the next and suddenly Jongwoon finds himself asking, “So, have you been to China recently?”
Kyuhyun hesitates. “No,” he says. “I haven’t.”
“That’s a pity,” says Jongwoon-memories of Super Junior M flood back to him, memories of the more successful subgroup, memories of Super Girl and Too Perfect and all the other songs afterward and before and in between. Memories of watching, and waiting, waiting for Kyuhyun and Ryeowook and Donghae and Siwon to come back. Memories of seeing Henry cry and Zhou Mi struggle and Hankyung plead from a distance. Memories of envy as he’d seen Hyukjae and Sungmin go, and felt lost, alone. Abandoned.
“We should go visit there some time,” Jongwoon continues, pushing these memories out of his head. “It’d be nice.”
“It would be,” Kyuhyun replies.
“We can visit Zhou Mi and Hankyung again.”
Kyuhyun looks at him from behind his laptop screen.
“Hyung,” he says quietly, almost begging him.
**
It usually doesn’t take Jongwoon that long to come home, but he’s cursing and muttering swear words under his breath as he walks down the street from the bus stop, covering up his head. He wishes he had brought an umbrella. He really does.
It’s not the same as the days when he had been famous. Not to say that he’s not famous now-he’s just less famous. It’s different from being in a boy band. And of course, Jongwoon misses it. And of course, Jongwoon tries to ignore these reminders as he stomps through puddles and accidentally gets his jeans wet.
The minute he enters the apartment, he moans, “Thank God I’m home!” He throws his bag aside and throws his shoes off and flops onto the couch in the living room. Kyuhyun comes out of his room at that moment with his laptop in his arms, and looks down at Jongwoon’s backside amusedly.
“Rough day?” he asks-though Jongwoon rarely ever has rough days, so it’s strange for him to ask.
Jongwoon doesn’t roll over from having his nose buried into the couch cushions. He doesn’t even attempt to answer coherently. Instead he must makes another groaning noise, and hears Kyuhyun chuckle behind him.
“Well don’t stay there all night,” he says. “I want you to make me dinner this evening.” And then he walks out of the living room, computer still cradled in his hands.
**
Jongwoon’s more than willing to make him dinner, only because this is the first time Kyuhyun has asked. He doesn’t even ask why Kyuhyun had done so-he eagerly stirs the broccoli around in their barely-used pan, and thinks of the delicious dishes he’s going to make for Kyuhyun tonight.
The food doesn’t come out as good as he had hoped, but Kyuhyun seems pretty content with it as he eats it all up along with the rice Jongwoon had steamed earlier. Jongwoon watches him as Kyuhyun sticks his chopsticks out to pick up another piece of meat again, and words fall fast from his lips before he has the chance to think.
“Do you miss Ryeowook?”
Kyuhyun stops instantly; his chopsticks are frozen in midair. “No,” he replies immediately, before grabbing the piece of pork he had been reaching out for.
“But.” Jongwoon thinks over his words. “But you never want me to cook-I mean, not that I’m opposed to cooking for you, but-but it’s a little odd, don’t you think?”
“No,” Kyuhyun says again. His face is buried in his rice bowl. He doesn’t meet Jongwoon’s gaze.
“But Ryeowook, he-he’d always been the one who had cooked for us, back when-back when we were Super Junior, when we were in a band-”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun says curtly. “Stop talking nonsense, hyung.”
**
Most of the time, Jongwoon isn’t bothered when Kyuhyun doesn’t speak to him all morning; they can go days without speaking and both will feel fine. But for some reason, today feels different. Awkward. Like Kyuhyun’s purposely not speaking, not speaking to him.
“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says to him over breakfast. “Kyuhyun? Are you okay?”
Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him. He continues eating his porridge, as if he hadn’t heard the man only a few feet away speak to him.
“Kyuhyun?” Jongwoon says again. “Kyuhyun, do you- do you want me to make dinner for you again?”
Kyuhyun gets up from the table and dumps his food in the sink. Then he grabs his bag and leaves.
**
This goes on for the rest of the day. The next day, too. Jongwoon’s pretty sure he knows what this is about, but-well, he’s not really in the position of making assumptions.
After all, how can he make assumptions about a man he now barely knows?
Kyuhyun doesn’t come home from dinner, though at one in the morning Jongwoon can hear the door open and can see lights flicker on in the living room, from his place in bed. He watches closely through the small gap in his doorway as Kyuhyun walks around, stretches, grabs a few crackers to eat, and then goes into the hallway. He watches as Kyuhyun wanders around and then enters the bathroom, checks himself out in the mirror, brushes his teeth, and then trudges into his bedroom. He watches as Kyuhyun comes out once again, now in pajamas, and goes into the living room to turn out the light. He watches as Kyuhyun turns and goes back down the hall, as Kyuhyun walks away.
**
The days that follow are silent ones-and not the normal silent ones; but rather, the silent ones where Jongwoon just wants to scream and break something because it’s the sort of silence where it’s like the string of tension is hanging in the air and it won’t come down.
Jongwoon ends up slipping on the last piece of melting snow in the middle of the street, and finds himself calling the hospital; and then suddenly he’s perched up on a pair of crutches, with his right foot dangling in the air. He’s told by his doctor that he should be accompanied at all times, and when Jongwoon tells him that it’s not likely for that to happen, the doctor says that he should be careful then. He tells Jongwoon to be steady and perhaps call in to say that he can’t go to work for a while, because he really can’t. Jongwoon thanks him and then makes his way back home, all the while avoiding all the melted snow in the streets.
And all the while, Kyuhyun doesn’t help him. Not once.
**
This isn’t true, actually-though it’s what Jongwoon had expected to be true. (He should stop expecting things, shouldn’t he? Or rather, not expecting them.) But as soon as Kyuhyun sees that Jongwoon is injured, that Jongwoon is hurt, he rushes to his side immediately.
“Hyung, are you okay?” he asks him, running toward him and grabbing his bag, putting it on the ground before examining him some more. “Hyung, you don’t-are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jongwoon says with a light laugh, looking down at Kyuhyun. “Just sprained an ankle, that’s all.”
“‘Just sprained an ankle?’ That doesn’t sound very good! Well, what do I know,” Kyuhyun adds to his train of thought, “though I guess that doesn’t matter. You can’t be fine if you’re on crutches, hyung! You really can’t be!”
“But I really am,” Jongwoon says, smiling down at him.
**
And so because of Jongwoon’s minor injury and clumsiness, Kyuhyun is talking to him again. Kyuhyun is talking to him and laughing with him and having conversations-they’re a bit more animated, Jongwoon notes, though he supposes that maybe he’s just never been this observant before. He doesn’t mind, though. He knows Kyuhyun, even if he doesn’t know him too well.
Weeks pass and everything is back to normal. This is what Jongwoon tells himself even though he doesn’t know what normal is anymore. But Kyuhyun is normal and he is normal and, well, if that’s how they are, then that must be what normal is, right? Right, Jongwoon thinks once more, and relishes in Kyuhyun’s familiar voice.
**
“I feel so old,” Kyuhyun complains. “Really. Twenty-nine already? And next year I’ll be turning thirty!”
“What about me?” Jongwoon says to him. “Thirty-three and still as handsome as ever.” He doesn’t mean this, of course, but it sounds nice coming out from his lips.
“As ever.” Kyuhyun chuckles and glances down Jongwoon’s leg. “How’s your ankle, hyung?”
“It’s fine.” A thought suddenly strikes Jongwoon. “Hey, Jungsu-hyung’s going to be turning thirty-five next year, won’t he?”
He realizes what he’s said wrong a second too late. Kyuhyun doesn’t react to this because Jongwoon hasn’t made a mistake for a while; but the silence is there, it’s always been there.
“You might want to put some pressure on your foot, hyung,” he says to Jongwoon quietly.
But Jongwoon- Jongwoon ignores his words. Because he’s not going to let Kyuhyun get away with no answer anymore. “Kyuhyun? I’m right, right? Jungsu hyung’ll be thirty-five soon.”
“Yeah.” Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him, doesn’t give his words much thought. “Come on, put some pressure on your foot.”
“Why do I need to put pressure on my foot?” Jongwoon shoots back. “Why is that-Why is that important to you all of a sudden? Don’t you want to talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Do you?”
“Put pressure on your foot,” Kyuhyun says again, clearly attempting to keep his voice steady although it’s shaking, a bit.
“No! No, I’m not going to!” Jongwoon stands up all of a sudden; he winces but doesn’t care. He looks Kyuhyun in the face. “Kyuhyun, why won’t you talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Why won’t you talk about Super Junior with me?”
Kyuhyun doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares out the window and turns his back to Jongwoon.
Frustrated, Jongwoon reaches for his shoulder and yanks him towards him. “Kyuhyun, why won’t you answer me? Why won’t you talk to me? Ab-About Super Junior and Ryeowook and Jungsu and everything, everyone, every-”
“Because!” Kyuhyun says. The air breaks between them. “Because I don’t want to, okay? Because I just don’t want to! I don’t want to-I don’t want to think about Super Junior, I don’t want to talk about Super Junior, I don’t want to-” He cuts himself off, breathing heavily.
“But why?” Jongwoon persists. “Why won’t you-Why don’t you want to, what-what’s so wrong about-about us?”
He says us like Super Junior isn’t just about the members, it’s about him and Kyuhyun. Like there’s some sort of, some sort of family between Jongwoon and Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun thrusts Jongwoon’s hand off his shoulder and glowers. It’s cold.
“I don’t want to Yesung, okay? I don’t want to.”
He storms off, away.
**
Jongwoon later realizes that it’s the first time Kyuhyun’s ever called him something else other than ‘hyung.’
Jongwoon later realizes that Yesung isn’t even his real name.
**
They don’t talk anymore. Well, they do. But not really. Their conversations are abrupt and fall short, and there’s not much essence to any of them. Jongwoon feels like he’s a stranger, and Kyuhyun’s a stranger, and they’re just two people who are together and have nothing, together.
Jongwoon never asks more than, “What are you ordering for dinner today?” and Kyuhyun never answers more than, “Beef noodles.” They only speak when spoken to, speak when they need to, and speak when they absolutely have to. The air feels thin and strong, almost suffocating. Jongwoon barely finds the will to breathe.
He wonders what it would be like if he tried. If he tried to speak more, if he tried to talk more. If he tried to get Kyuhyun to actually look at him, to tell him why he had gotten upset over the mention of their old band leader. If he tried to ask Kyuhyun why he had called him by his old, forgotten nickname and never by his real name.
**
He’s off his crutches after a month when he had slipped, but Kyuhyun doesn’t comment on it.
The ground between them feels empty, dry.
His mini album makes it to the top of some chart-which chart, he’s not quite sure, but when he goes back to work a few weeks later, his manager approaches him with a CD in one hand and a grin on his face. “Congratulations,” he says. “You might as well do a full album.”
“Not likely,” Jongwoon says with a chuckle. “What’s that?” He nods his head over to where his stylist is holding something small and colorful. His manager beams.
“Just a little congratulatory present we should we should get for you,” he says. “But we weren’t quite sure which color you liked best. Pick one.”
The stylist walks over to him, a small, perhaps fake smile lined along her lips. “Red or pink,” she says.
Jongwoon looks down at the stuffed animals in her hands. “Pink.”
**
(Later his manager asks him if he wants to perform live at a concert because it’s good for giving publicity, and it has a good price to come along with it. Jongwoon declines the offer.)
**
When he comes home, he leaves his bags and the stuffed animal on the counter before going off to go to the bathroom. Kyuhyun’s in the living room, on the computer.
He pretends not to notice that Kyuhyun’s eyes go towards the toy and linger on it for a second too long.
**
Over the next several days Jongwoon tries his hand at cooking again. It’s not his best skill, he knows, but he’s certainly not terrible. At least, as far as he knows. He’s mediocre, and that’s good enough for him.
Kyuhyun leaves early in the mornings, and doesn’t come home until around midnight.
And all the while, Jongwoon thinks of Super Junior. He thinks of all the members and all the years they had spent together (and thirteen boys staying together, fifteen boys being a family sounds too big, sounds too chaotic-but for them it had been perfect). He thinks of what they must be doing now or what they’re not doing now, and if they’re on the other side of the world or only a few doors down from them. Wherever they are, Jongwoon hopes that they’re happy, as he cooks fried rice in the pan in front of him.
**
(Jongwoon’s always had this dream where he’s standing at the edge of a beach, staring out at an ocean, perhaps waiting for someone to come back. The sand is warm beneath his toes and the sea tosses waves back and forth.)
**
Maybe he tells himself that he’ll try to get in touch with the other members again, that he’ll laugh with Donghee and talk to Youngwoon again. Maybe he tells himself that he’ll try to shoot Henry an email or call Donghae on the phone. But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t end up doing any of this anyways. He’s with Kyuhyun.
So instead he just cooks his own food and sings his own songs that he’s composed himself. He goes to church on Sundays (even though he hasn’t been there for ages) and occasionally watches dramas on his television.
And he talks to Kyuhyun twice a day at most, and hardly ever sees him around their apartment. But it doesn’t really bother him too much. As long as Kyuhyun comes home.
**
But even after all this, something doesn’t settle right. With Kyuhyun gone all the time, Jongwoon doesn’t even know if it’s worth it to come back to their apartment. It doesn’t feel like home.
They stop talking. They stop looking at each other. They both become so absent to each other that it’s even hard to say that they’re roommates. Jongwoon doesn’t even know what he’s doing for the majority of the time: he’s wandering around the city, he’s going around shopping, he’s seeing friends and saying hi and smiling. Sometimes he wonders what Kyuhyun’s doing. If Kyuhyun’s looking about the city and going to stores and seeing his friends. He wonders if Kyuhyun’s seeing any girls. Not that he should be caring, but-they aren’t really idols anymore, are they? They’re free to do whatever they want. And so Jongwoon wonders what Kyuhyun’s doing and if he’s dating anyone (and the thought makes his stomach clench) just because he can (and he also wonders why he isn’t dating anyone himself-perhaps it had never been quite his style). If he’s seeing girls, hugging girls, kissing girls…
At the end of the day, though, it’s all the same. It all goes to waste.
**
He takes Kyuhyun’s laptop one afternoon and decides to stream some old Super Junior shows. There’s nothing like looking back on memories. He goes through video sites and search sites until he comes to the homepage of some group of fangirls who have illegal clips of EHB and Intimate Note and Sukira and some music videos, and then clicks on some random links. Soon enough he’s watching and laughing and has his hand covered over his mouth as he watches him and his band members do some of the stupidest things and say the strangest scripted lines. It all feels real to him. So real.
Jongwoon falls asleep in the middle of watching Shin PD. It’s about ten o’clock at night and he’s still dressed in his work clothes, but he manages to drift off anyways, with his hand still on the mouse pad. He doesn’t hear anything all night, and he doesn’t wake up until seven in the morning.
When he nods his head up, he sees that he’s lying on the couch with a blanket covering him-had he fallen asleep like this? Everything around him is all clean, and-the laptop isn’t with him anymore. Kyuhyun’s laptop. The entire apartment is quiet.
**
And so Jongwoon continues watching old Super Junior videos, Super Junior talk shows, Super Junior performances-had they always been that happy? Or had it been all an act? He can’t quite remember, but he wishes that he can revert to that emotion, back to feeling like he’s on top of the world rather than someone average, someone in the middle, someone unimportant.
He plays old Super Junior songs and sings along to them as well. He doesn’t remember all the words, of course, and makes them up as he goes along; but they all ring familiar to him and he likes it. He bellows out the right lyrics and the wrong lyrics and tries to dance along even though he had never really been the best at choreography. But he’s having fun, when Kyuhyun’s not around.
Kyuhyun comes home at a surprisingly early hour a few days later while Jongwoon is vacuuming the apartment and singing along to Sorry Sorry (and dancing as well, though it seems to be more like shuffling). He doesn’t really notice that Kyuhyun’s home, however, until he hears him speak.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Jongwoon whips around. At first he’s embarrassed, that Kyuhyun had caught him doing something so... so foolish, but it all goes away when he sees the glare settling in Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“I’m reminiscing,” he replies.
Kyuhyun’s gaze is fixed on him. “Just stop it, hyung.”
“Stop what?” Jongwoon suddenly feels defensive, annoyed. “Stop listening to our old songs? Stop mentioning our old bandmates? Stop trying to talk about our past-?”
“Just stop it, please.”
“I’m not going to stop!” Jongwoon says fiercely. “I’m not going to-I don’t want to forget about them, okay? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t want to remember all the good times we had, but-but at least I’m actually doing something to try to remember!”
Kyuhyun looks to Jongwoon exasperatedly. He suddenly looks tired, much older. “Hyung.”
The music stops in the background. The world stops moving around them.
“What?” Jongwoon says annoyedly. “You want me to stop singing? You want me to stop remembering? You want me to just ignore the past several years of both our lives?”
“You don’t even know what you’re saying-”
“I don’t care if you want to forget about everything we’ve been for the past several years, but.” Jongwoon stares Kyuhyun straight in the eye. “I’m not going to any time soon.”
“Hyung, you don’t even know!” Kyuhyun suddenly shouts, catching him off guard. “You really call this not forgetting? What, trying to bring up the subject every time you can, trying to bring them back? You can’t bring them back and you know it! You can’t make new memories out of old ones! And that’s what you’re doing!”
“I’m not-”
“Do you realize how much I miss them?” says Kyuhyun. “Do you know how much I want to forget? I can’t-Do you know how hard it is to let things go?”
“But you shouldn’t let it go,” says Jongwoon. “You can’t just let something like that so important, so huge to you, you can’t just let it go-that’s why I don’t want to let it go, because that’s like-”
“Hyung, you have to let it go sometime! You can’t sit in the past!” Kyuhyun yells, screams over Jongwoon. “You’re just trying to-You’re just trying to remake everything we were but you can’t! Have you been in touch with any of the members? Do you know anything about them now?”
“I-no, of course not, but we can always change that-”
“We can’t, Yesung, can’t you see that? We can’t! We’re broken apart and we’re gone-Henry’s probably back in Canada, Hankyung and Zhou Mi are never going to leave China-we can’t, we’re done, an-and-”
“Then why,” Jongwoon says, all of a sudden angry, “why in the world did you want to room together with me, why did you want to live with me, out of all the Super Junior members, why did you want to stay with me-Jesus Christ if I had known you’d be this way, I wouldn’t have-”
“I DON’T KNOW!” Kyuhyun shrieks. “I don’t know! I just-don’t you remember, when we had went on our own ways, we both said that we’d have our own solo careers-and then one thing happened and then the next and this just-”
“And if you wanted to forget about everyone so much, then you didn’t have to stay with me at all! But no, instead you’re just dumping it on me, all of it on me-”
“You don’t miss them the way I do! You don’t know-You don’t know that I miss them too!” Kyuhyun throws his hands to his sides. “You don’t think that I wasn’t part of the band? You think that I didn’t love them the way you do?”
“Then why-”
“Because! Because I know that I can’t! Because I know that I shouldn’t try to hold onto something that will never come back! Can’t you see, Yesung, that we have to let go and move on-”
“STOP CALLING ME YESUNG!” Jongwoon shouts; he’s suddenly aware of everything around them, and how shattered it all seems.
“That’s exactly what I mean! I can’t-It’s hard for me to let go of things like this!” Kyuhyun looks like he’s about to cry, and his voice is shaking, like the earth. “I want to let go, I want to-I want to forget about it all, I just don’t-I just don’t want to think about it but how am I supposed to forget if you’re just bringing it all back, making me-”
“You’re just being weak, you know that?” snarls Jongwoon. “You’re just being weak and you’re too scared to face it! At least I, I’m doing something when you’re just trying to avoid it all because you’re just too fucking scared-”
“I may be scared, but at least I’m not hanging onto something that’s already gone,” Kyuhyun retorts.
Jongwoon glowers at him.
“I never should have lived with you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have.”
“I shouldn’t-This was just a bad idea. I can’t believe you want to forget about Super Junior,” says Jongwoon, shaking his head.
“I don’t want to forget about them, it’s just something that I don’t want to hold onto!”
“Yeah? Well you know what?” says Jongwoon fiercely. “I may miss Super Junior, but I sure as hell don’t miss you!”
“That doesn’t make any sense-”
“I miss Jungsu!” shouts Jongwoon. “And Heechul and Hankyung a-and Youngwoon, and Donghee, and Sungmin, and-” his breath catches “and Hyukjae and Donghae, and Siwon, and Ryeowook, and Kibum and Zhou Mi and Henry-but you, Kyuhyun, after living with you for the past-months, years, whatever-you-I-I can’t even imagine, why we had ever decided to do this in the first place, and why, of all people-”
“So you’re saying that you don’t even like me!” shouts Kyuhyun.
“Maybe I am!” Jongwoon fires back.
“Well maybe-” Kyuhyun breaks off and pants. “Well fine; if you miss them so fucking much, then go find someone else to stay with!”
Jongwoon scowls; Kyuhyun’s defiant stare doesn’t falter. Then, without a word, Jongwoon storms out of the apartment. His footsteps echo down the hall and through the stairs he climbs down, and all he can think about is how much he hates Kyuhyun, about how much he hates being with Kyuhyun, and, and how Super Junior doesn’t feel like anything but a dream anymore.
Kyuhyun is stupid, isn’t he? He’s stupid. For thinking that they should just forget about them, for thinking that they just move on… Move on to what? From what? From the past? Jongwoon knows, he knows that hanging onto the past is a bad thing, that he should cherish memories but continue forward, but-but that’s what he’s doing, isn’t it? That’s what he’s been doing all along. He’s been remembering. He’s been recalling all the nice and fun times. He hasn’t been trying to bring Super Junior back; he hasn’t been trying to recreate something that’s already gone…
And cooking isn’t trying to bring Ryeowook back. And going to church isn’t trying to bring Siwon back. And pink, pink of all things, isn’t trying to bring Sungmin back. And watching old shows isn’t trying to bring them all back. He’s just nostalgic, that’s all. And Kyuhyun is stupid. He’s foolish for just wanting to forget, for not letting go, for not letting go of forgetting-he had been the one who kept calling Jongwoon his old nickname, the nickname he hasn’t heard in months, years, in forever...
He makes his way out into the streets of Seoul. It’s raining, though Jongwoon concludes that this makes sense because hell, it’s springtime already. He ducks his head down and wishes that the jacket he’s wearing had a hood, and Jongwoon just stomps through the water like he always does. He’s pushing against it all, and a part of him wishes, that maybe, maybe they shouldn’t have broken up. Maybe they shouldn’t have gone off in their separate directions. Maybe they just should have stayed as Super Junior forever…
You can’t bring them back and you know it…
And if they had stayed together, he wouldn’t need to bring them back. He wouldn’t miss them, he wouldn’t feel the sudden pain of realization that they’re gone and that there’s nothing they can do anymore. They won’t ever be the band they had been in the past, and there’s no way they would be it in the future… He wouldn’t want to forget about them. He wouldn’t need to forget about them.
But everything has its end, right? Jongwoon stops in the streets and the knowledge hits him in the chest even harder. They wouldn’t last forever. They can’t last forever. And even if he’s staying with Kyuhyun, his last real piece of Super Junior… Kyuhyun’s already gone. Kyuhyun’s trying to make something new. Kyuhyun’s trying to begin again, even if he can’t bring himself to. Kyuhyun’s trying to get over them.
(But he can’t, not really.)
Jongwoon doesn’t even know if he wants to leave Kyuhyun, if he wants to leave the only part of Super Junior he has left. And it’s not just because of Super Junior, but because-because he can’t. Even if Jongwoon wants to, he can’t bring himself to push Kyuhyun away. He can’t leave him.
The rain continues to fall, soaking his hair wet. Jongwoon suddenly realizes that he’s cold when he stops walking for a second too long, and then continues on. Anything left of Kyuhyun’s words rings in his mind, and his anger fades away, making him no longer feel blind. Because forgetting is the last thing he wants to do. Because letting go sort of sounds like, this never happened and we’re going to pretend it didn’t. But moving on, making something out of whatever he has left, that’s what he has to do.
(And he has Kyuhyun.)
Something suddenly hits him from behind, tightening around his waist-Jongwoon stops in his tracks again. Someone is holding him from behind, causing heat to escalate up his body, and there are arms, arms around him. Jongwoon doesn’t know who, what, why-he hears a small gasp of breath, and a nose and a mouth press against his shoulder. Skin is touching his skin, warm, small, smooth.
“Please don’t leave me,” murmurs Kyuhyun’s voice, and Jongwoon’s heart clenches in his throat. Something wet, something not rain hits on the side of his neck, and Kyuhyun squeezes tighter.
“Please don’t go.”
**
When they arrive back at their apartment, it’s quiet as ever-but it feels like the sort of settled quiet, the serenity, where for the first time, everything’s pretty much okay. Kyuhyun awkwardly tells Jongwoon that he should take a shower and Jongwoon awkwardly mumbles back that that sounds like a good idea and awkwardly, they go on their respective ways and do their own respective things.
Jongwoon thinks about it in the shower. That sure, letting go of the past will be hard-but he has Kyuhyun to help him through. And he’s here to help Kyuhyun through. And for some reason, this makes something flutter to the bottom of his stomach, like the last feather of a wing, waiting to be shed.
As soon as he finishes, he comes out, just to see Kyuhyun sitting on the couch with his laptop, though it seems more like Kyuhyun is waiting for him. When Jongwoon catches his eye, he can’t help but blush slightly; but Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to notice (his blush) as he speaks.
“Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” he asks him.
Jongwoon’s stunned for a moment; it’d be the first dinner they’d be having together in a long time. But then he smiles. “Sure,” he says, and sort of feels like a giddy little boy as he walks back over to his room.
He gets dressed, and when he comes out, he sees that Kyuhyun has put his laptop down and is now making his way towards the door. Kyuhyun shoots him a look the instant he hears him come into the room. “Ready to go?” he asks.
Jongwoon nods and makes his way towards him. “I’m ready.”
**
The dinner feels like it’s their first time being together, their first time actually starting to know each other. They’re starting over. Jongwoon kind of likes it because he finds out so many things about Kyuhyun that he’s never known before-either that, or things he’s forgotten. But Kyuhyun doesn’t really seem to mind as he laughs when Jongwoon stumbles over his words again.
They get ice cream afterwards and walk around, not wanting to go back home. Jongwoon falls in step with the other man, waiting for everything to blow over.
Part II
Char/Pair: Kyuhyun/Yesung
Genre: friendship, romance, angst, drama, porny bits, some humor/fluff throughout~
Rating: R
Word Count: ~36,000 (I’m not even joking)
Of all the Super Junior members, Jongwoon hadn’t expected to stay with Kyuhyun post-band breakup. Actually, he never really expected to stay with anyone-he’d thought that he’d be on his own, alone, no one to be with, no one to talk to. Instead he’s with a man three years younger than him, a man whom he’s known well for the past several years, a man with very little respect and far too much free time, a man with a quick mind and an honest heart to boot.
In retrospect, Jongwoon figures that the only reason they’re staying together is because they both have their own solo careers as singers. Of course, Ryeowook has his solo career too-but on top of that he’s running a restaurant and also enjoys people’s company far too much to consider having less than two roommates. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon aren’t one of these types of people-Jongwoon had thought Kyuhyun would be, but apparently he’s not.
He hadn’t even chosen Kyuhyun, anyways. Kyuhyun hadn’t chosen him either. It had been a mutual thing: when they had left, they had moved in together. There wasn’t any conversation or dispute over it-it just sort of happened. At least, that’s what Jongwoon has always known.
**
Kyuhyun comes home around five in the afternoon. It’s the normal thing, the daily routine-wake up at six, say brief hellos, have a small, quiet breakfast and then leave around six thirty. It’s what they’ve grown to be used to. Sometimes they’ll be a little early, other times late-but it’s not like either of them know because they don’t go to the same place.
When Kyuhyun arrives, Jongwoon’s already in the kitchen, fixing himself up a little dinner. His schedule is a little less busy today, so he decides that he can have a bit of time for himself. Cook something from scratch for once, rather than the takeout they usually have (sometimes not even together, since occasionally Kyuhyun will come around nine, or maybe Jongwoon will return at one in the morning. They don’t tell each other-but they expect each other to come home some time.)
“Hi,” Jongwoon says from behind the marble counter, turning to the front door where Kyuhyun is busy taking his shoes off. “Feel like fish tonight?” He indicates the large bass he’s chopping up on a wood board; he had learned a few things from Ryeowook back in Super Junior days.
Kyuhyun shakes his head no and smiles. “It’s all right. I need to meet up with my manager later tonight anyways, so I’m probably going to catch dinner along the way there.”
“Oh come on, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says to him. “Look at this! Doesn’t this look delicious!” He brings up the board and shows the raw fish laying on it.
Kyuhyun grimaces and shakes his head again. He lets out a small, forced laugh. “Really, hyung, it’s fine. I’m going to get dinner with my manager. But thanks for the offer.”
He makes his way past their kitchen and past Jongwoon, down the hall and to his bedroom. Jongwoon stares after him, but then shrugs to himself. Oh well. More fish for him.
**
Kyuhyun and Jongwoon have always been the more talkative of people; but strangely, Jongwoon finds that he’s quiet around Kyuhyun the most. Maybe Kyuhyun gives off a demeanor that makes Jongwoon falter, maybe Jongwoon just isn’t interesting enough for Kyuhyun-whatever it is, it makes the world between them stay at peace for the moments they are together.
Jongwoon’s sitting at his bookshelf and looking through old CDs when Kyuhyun comes home, and turns his head when he sees Kyuhyun. “Hi,” he says, because it’s instinct, it’s everything he’s been used to.
“Hi,” Kyuhyun says back, putting his bag on the kitchen counter. “What are you doing over there?”
“Looking through some of our old discography,” Jongwoon says pleasantly, pulling out a large black and white disk. At least, the main colors are black and white-but it doesn’t seem grayscale at all (though considering its age it might as well be). “Remember this?”
Kyuhyun stares at it. “Yeah, I remember,” he says softly, staring at the disc cover.
“Good times.” Jongwoon chuckles and glances to the cardboard himself. “I kind of miss it all. Don’t you?”
But when he looks back to Kyuhyun, he sees that Kyuhyun isn’t there. He wonders where Kyuhyun has gone, and why he has left. The second thought lingers in his head a little bit longer, but he shoves it aside and puts the disc back on the shelf.
**
Dinners together are as quiet as breakfasts together. Sometimes Jongwoon wants to have lunch with Kyuhyun, just to see if he’ll be any different.
The only sound in the apartment is the slurping of the noodles Jongwoon had ordered earlier today, aside from the heater of course. In an attempt to make some sort of conversation, Jongwoon lifts his head up and looks to Kyuhyun who’s still munching on his ramen hungrily.
“How was your day today?” he asks-strangely, he feels like they’re one of those couples who pry into each other’s lives all the time and reveal nothing. He looks at Kyuhyun expectantly.
It seems as though the question has thrown Kyuhyun off guard. It takes a moment for Kyuhyun to finish swallowing his food before nodding his head up and looking to Jongwoon. “Good,” he says, almost like they’ve been having this conversation all along. He wipes his mouth with his napkin. “You?”
“Mine was pretty good too,” Jongwoon says, and then it’s the end of that.
**
Their evening goes by smoothly-almost boring, Jongwoon realizes as he tells Kyuhyun that he’s going out to make their weekly mailbox check. Kyuhyun nods to him and then returns to his computer, where he’s gaming. Jongwoon’s gaze lingers a little longer than it probably should-but he makes no note of importance of this, and goes out to get their mail.
The envelopes are always the same-junk mail, bank mail, newspaper, maybe a note or two from one of their parents. There isn’t anything new in today’s batch. There’s never anything new.
Jongwoon comes back into their apartment soon enough and tosses most of the junk mail (sent to “Current Resident” as neither Jongwoon nor Kyuhyun individually own this apartment) in the trash can, leaves a few letters addressed to Kyuhyun on the counter, and then takes the newspaper and goes into the living room. He sits down on the couch and props his feet up on the coffee table, spreading the paper in front of him. Kyuhyun glances to him, a little.
“Anything interesting in there?” he asks him.
“Same old, same old,” Jongwoon replies, like it’s always been his life.
**
Sometimes Jongwoon will forget that he’s a grown man, except for the days where lust tingles at the pit of his stomach. Then he does what he can to make the feeling go away, in the middle of his showers, and comes out like nothing’s happened. (Sometimes he wonders if Kyuhyun feels the same, if Kyuhyun does the same, too. The thought makes heat and hazes blur through his mind, but he doesn’t bother to stop to wonder what it means.)
**
They aren’t in touch with any of the other Super Junior members. Well. To say that they never were would be a lie. Jongwoon had attempted to stay in contact with Donghae and Ryeowook and Jungsu for quite a while, but it had all soon fallen away. And as far as he knows, Kyuhyun had telephoned Donghee and Hyukjae every day for a few months-but that had stopped quickly as well. It’s sort of sad, Jongwoon realizes when he reflects upon it. But life must go on.
Kyuhyun isn’t a Super Junior member to him anymore. He isn’t a fellow bandmate. He’s not a friend, he’s not a brother; rather, he’s become nothing but a roommate to him. Jongwoon doesn’t know what this means. But he doesn’t spend too much time thinking about that, either.
A few days later he comes home to see Kyuhyun on the phone, talking rapidly to whoever’s on the other end. It takes a while for Jongwoon to make sense of his words-but then again, Kyuhyun has never been the best speaker. (All mumbles he had been; all murmurs and awkward phrases.)
“Yes, Mom, yes-I’ll visit you, calm down. I’ve just been busy lately-yes, it’s almost winter, I know, I’ll be there with you and Dad and everyone for Christmas-I understand, noona’s going to be there, and so will I-Jesus Christ.”
When he hangs up, he rubs his temples and sighs. Jongwoon peers down at him carefully.
“Everything all right?” he asks.
“I… Oh, it’s fine, hyung,” Kyuhyun replies, not looking up at him. “I just… I’m going to be away for a few weeks, if that’s okay with you.” He peeks at him through his fingers, almost in a childish manner. Jongwoon presses back a small chuckle.
“It’s all right,” he tells Kyuhyun. “I understand. You probably need to take a break from work and spend time with your family anyways.”
“So everyone’s been telling me,” Kyuhyun grumbles, and Jongwoon laughs a little bit harder. “But, thanks hyung. Don’t get too lonely without me.”
**
The next few days go by as usual. They wake up, they brush their teeth, they change their clothes in their respective bedrooms. They say good morning and eat breakfast and make sure to see that everything around their apartment is in check. Then they go to their respective jobs, their respective lives.
Kyuhyun leaves on Thursday. Jongwoon offers to see him off, but Kyuhyun politely declines and says that he can get a taxi all by himself. Jongwoon laughs and tells him, “You’re still the magnae, Kyuhyun. Even to me.”
Kyuhyun pauses but doesn’t say anything about this; the next second, he’s gone.
Jongwoon’s okay with it. After Kyuhyun’s departure, he manages to go around their apartment and read magazines, feed his turtles, eat dinner, and, oh, he can practice his singing now that Kyuhyun’s not here! (Not that they’ve never heard each other’s voices before, but-well, with Kyuhyun around, it would have just been awkward.) It’s just like Kyuhyun’s out late with his work and schedule and everything. It’s just like Kyuhyun’s not going to come home too early, but maybe when Jongwoon’s asleep. It’s just like Kyuhyun’s not here, but he will be here, he will be.
Except today, Kyuhyun’s not coming back.
**
He tells himself he adjusts to it. He wakes up to an empty apartment (but it’s not empty if one person occupies it, right?) and brushes his teeth by himself (rather than amusedly glancing to Kyuhyun awkwardly in the mirror, no matter how many times it’s happened) and changes his clothes without the fear of Kyuhyun accidentally walking in on him. He remains mute throughout the morning and eats breakfast at the small table with no one sitting across from him, and it’s Jongwoon alone who makes sure that their apartment is neat and tidy before he takes off for the day.
During his work, he laughs with his manager and records songs for his new album-he’s a little flat but it’s okay because he’ll get it next time. He eats lunch out-and strangely, even though he always eats lunch by himself, he feels a little bit more lonely today-and then returns. It’s all part of schedule, he knows. Just a part of schedule.
And so when he comes home, he takes off his shoes and proceeds with his afternoon. He reads some books, surfs the internet a little bit, makes some dinner. He watches some television and spoils himself to a few unhealthy snacks. He calls his mother and feeds his turtles again and cleans up his room a little bit. He does all this, because it’s what he’s always done.
**
Oddly enough, though, it feels like something is missing. Jongwoon isn’t quite sure what it is, or why, or anything. Kyuhyun has never had the most significant presence, and there was never-there was never anything too special about having him around.
Jongwoon refuses to think about it, though. He refuses to. He goes on because he’s Jongwoon, he’s a man. And it’s not just about the dignity he has to retain while Kyuhyun’s not here, but also because of the dignity he has to replace in Kyuhyun’s absence.
But he’ll be back soon. He’ll come home. And so Jongwoon goes on.
**
(Jongwoon still feels alone, though. He feels alone for the first time, for the first time in two years. Ever since, ever since they had fallen apart, ever since they had broken-)
**
He celebrates Christmas by himself, which is all right. He’d visit his parents but they’re in Japan where is brother is living, and he doesn’t really feel like traveling outside of the country. Besides, this is Seoul, this is his home. This has been his home his whole life.
Of course, he gets presents in the mail a few days after Christmas and opens them up, feeling like a kid again. He gets new clothes from his family and some books and other spare items from old friends, maybe old friends he had forgotten about, old friends who hadn’t forgotten him. Regardless, he doesn’t take a second glance at the names and addresses, and instead takes his new presents and puts them in his room. Then he leaves a small gift in the corner of Kyuhyun’s room, because even if Kyuhyun isn’t technically here, at least there’s still someone he can share the holiday cheer with.
It’s not the same as Christmases he’s had in the past, and it’s not something he can get used to. But he can live with it, just this one time.
**
New Year’s comes and goes; and soon enough, Kyuhyun’s back. It’s still sort of snowing a little-it always snows a bit too much in Korea-and Kyuhyun’s covered with frost all over his jacket and shoes and bags.
“Here, let me help you,” Jongwoon says as he takes the suitcase from Kyuhyun’s hand and rolls it along the wooden floor to Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He hears Kyuhyun breathe heavily behind him, probably from the cold-he can still hear Kyuhyun even when he makes his way out of the hallway, and thinks it’s his imagination before he realizes that Kyuhyun’s standing right behind him.
“Thanks,” Kyuhyun manages out as he takes deep breaths. “God, it is freezing as hell out there. Was it always this freezing in Seoul? How did we even manage?”
“I have no idea,” Jongwoon says with a laugh as he drops Kyuhyun’s suitcase. He looks to Kyuhyun, to see that Kyuhyun’s cheeks are flushed and his hair is slightly messy, stuck all over the place with little snowflakes dangling on a few strands.
“You should probably take a shower,” Jongwoon tells him, moving over to wipe Kyuhyun’s face a little bit. “Before you get a cold or anything, you know.”
“Good idea.”
Kyuhyun exhales one last time before leaving the room. Jongwoon watches after him with a smile on his face, feeling a little less than alone now.
**
Everything seems to fall into place after a few hours, now with Kyuhyun back. Jongwoon adjusts to having a roommate again-it’s a little bit louder than it had always been, at first, but then they return to habit, to routine.
Jongwoon’s not the type to have deep, meaningful conversations-Kyuhyun had never been either, he knows-but he says to Kyuhyun, “I missed you while you were gone.”
Kyuhyun laughs a hearty laugh. “Didn’t I tell you not to miss me?”
“No.” And Jongwoon pouts a little. “You told me not to get too lonely-which, by the way, I did not.”
“If you missed me, clearly you did.”
“How was visiting your family, anyways?” Jongwoon asks.
“Oh, you know. Hectic and stuff.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “The usual sort of family meetings, only this time my sister acted like a cranky old cat lady and my mom didn’t go off on a spiel about my life again.”
“Sounds like you had a good time.”
“You can say that.”
Kyuhyun chuckles; Jongwoon’s suddenly aware of the space between them. He brushes the thought aside.
“Did you miss me?” he asks (just for fun though, because he’s not serious-he’s never serious when it comes to Kyuhyun.)
Kyuhyun laughs again. “Yes, hyung. I missed you very, very much.”
**
So it seems like everything is normal again. Because it is, it really is. It’s normal again because Kyuhyun’s back, and even if it isn’t significantly louder, it’s significantly less empty around here.
But it makes Jongwoon think. It makes Jongwoon think, how Kyuhyun was gone, like he’s always been gone, but he’s not. They’re here together-and even though Kyuhyun had left, he had come back. Because this is his home. This is Jongwoon’s home, and this is Kyuhyun’s home. This is the home that they have together.
The thought makes Jongwoon wonder where’s his home, if this is the home they’re really supposed to have.
He keeps silent, though.
**
But then again-
**
Jongwoon brings up the subject of Super Junior over dinner.
“I kind of,” he starts, “I kind of miss everything, you know?”
Kyuhyun looks at him from his rice. “What are you talking about?”
“Super Junior,” Jongwoon states-Kyuhyun freezes. “You remember, right? How we were all together, one big happy family… one really big family,” and he chuckles, “but still. It was really nice. I miss it.”
Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything.
Jongwoon tilts his head to the side. “You do remember, don’t you, Kyuhyun?”
“Of course I do.” Kyuhyun doesn’t look up. “How can I not?”
“Why don’t you say anything about it, then?” Jongwoon asks.
Kyuhyun glances to him. “Maybe I just don’t have anything to say,” he snaps.
Alarmed, Jongwoon puts his chopsticks down and looks at Kyuhyun worriedly. “Are you okay, Kyuhyun? Is there something you want to talk about?”
“I’m fine.”
Kyuhyun drops his own chopsticks; it lands on the table with a loud clang. He gets up from the table.
“Wh-Where are you going?” Jongwoon asks as Kyuhyun starts to walk away. “You can’t just-Kyuhyun!”
“I’m not hungry,” is Kyuhyun’s reply.
All Jongwoon hears afterwards is a slam of a door. He sighs and puts his head in his hands, lost and confused.
**
The next day is awkward, mostly because the last time they had seen each other was dinner the day previous. Kyuhyun doesn’t say anything so Jongwoon doesn’t either, though the thoughts still trouble him as he looks at Kyuhyun while he brushes his teeth. Kyuhyun raises his eyebrows towards him in the mirror.
“You’re so creepy, hyung,” he says to him, gaze fixed on his reflection.
“Wh-” Jongwoon suddenly blushes at the realization that he’s staring, and quickly darts his eyes away. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Kyuhyun says with a chuckle, and then spits into the sink.
Their morning goes on like it always does, though Jongwoon can’t help but look at Kyuhyun a little longer as Kyuhyun stands in the doorway, putting his shoes on. Kyuhyun glances at him; Jongwoon quickly averts his eyes to the sink instead.
“Make sure that you lock your turtle tank today,” he says to him. “I don’t want to find your pets’ waste in my room like I did a few weeks ago.”
Jongwoon chuckles, trying to make it sound real. “Okay, I will,” he says to Kyuhyun, and doesn’t respond when Kyuhyun bids him farewell.
**
The thing is, Jongwoon misses Super Junior. He misses them a lot. He misses all the members-and he can list them off, one by one if he really wanted to. He misses singing with them, dancing with them, going on shows with them, recording in the studio with them-it’s not the same, now, recording songs on his own. There’s no one for him to make stupid remarks with, to be stupid with, to make inside jokes with, to tease and laugh with.
He supposes he’s alone. (But he does have Kyuhyun.)
And anyways, he tells himself, he’s not really alone. He probably just reminisces too much. Misses the past too much. There’s nothing he can do about it now. He has to learn to be independent. He has to learn to be by himself. He has to learn to be on his own.
Kyuhyun isn’t helping him with this.
**
He decides not to bring up the subject of Super Junior again, in case of angering Kyuhyun. He doesn’t have to worry, though. He rarely has the words to speak.
Somehow, the subject of China comes between them later this afternoon, while Kyuhyun is on the computer and Jongwoon is looking over some of his old music theory notes, trying to get inspiration for a tune. He isn’t even aware that they had been talking, but one thing leads to the next and suddenly Jongwoon finds himself asking, “So, have you been to China recently?”
Kyuhyun hesitates. “No,” he says. “I haven’t.”
“That’s a pity,” says Jongwoon-memories of Super Junior M flood back to him, memories of the more successful subgroup, memories of Super Girl and Too Perfect and all the other songs afterward and before and in between. Memories of watching, and waiting, waiting for Kyuhyun and Ryeowook and Donghae and Siwon to come back. Memories of seeing Henry cry and Zhou Mi struggle and Hankyung plead from a distance. Memories of envy as he’d seen Hyukjae and Sungmin go, and felt lost, alone. Abandoned.
“We should go visit there some time,” Jongwoon continues, pushing these memories out of his head. “It’d be nice.”
“It would be,” Kyuhyun replies.
“We can visit Zhou Mi and Hankyung again.”
Kyuhyun looks at him from behind his laptop screen.
“Hyung,” he says quietly, almost begging him.
**
It usually doesn’t take Jongwoon that long to come home, but he’s cursing and muttering swear words under his breath as he walks down the street from the bus stop, covering up his head. He wishes he had brought an umbrella. He really does.
It’s not the same as the days when he had been famous. Not to say that he’s not famous now-he’s just less famous. It’s different from being in a boy band. And of course, Jongwoon misses it. And of course, Jongwoon tries to ignore these reminders as he stomps through puddles and accidentally gets his jeans wet.
The minute he enters the apartment, he moans, “Thank God I’m home!” He throws his bag aside and throws his shoes off and flops onto the couch in the living room. Kyuhyun comes out of his room at that moment with his laptop in his arms, and looks down at Jongwoon’s backside amusedly.
“Rough day?” he asks-though Jongwoon rarely ever has rough days, so it’s strange for him to ask.
Jongwoon doesn’t roll over from having his nose buried into the couch cushions. He doesn’t even attempt to answer coherently. Instead he must makes another groaning noise, and hears Kyuhyun chuckle behind him.
“Well don’t stay there all night,” he says. “I want you to make me dinner this evening.” And then he walks out of the living room, computer still cradled in his hands.
**
Jongwoon’s more than willing to make him dinner, only because this is the first time Kyuhyun has asked. He doesn’t even ask why Kyuhyun had done so-he eagerly stirs the broccoli around in their barely-used pan, and thinks of the delicious dishes he’s going to make for Kyuhyun tonight.
The food doesn’t come out as good as he had hoped, but Kyuhyun seems pretty content with it as he eats it all up along with the rice Jongwoon had steamed earlier. Jongwoon watches him as Kyuhyun sticks his chopsticks out to pick up another piece of meat again, and words fall fast from his lips before he has the chance to think.
“Do you miss Ryeowook?”
Kyuhyun stops instantly; his chopsticks are frozen in midair. “No,” he replies immediately, before grabbing the piece of pork he had been reaching out for.
“But.” Jongwoon thinks over his words. “But you never want me to cook-I mean, not that I’m opposed to cooking for you, but-but it’s a little odd, don’t you think?”
“No,” Kyuhyun says again. His face is buried in his rice bowl. He doesn’t meet Jongwoon’s gaze.
“But Ryeowook, he-he’d always been the one who had cooked for us, back when-back when we were Super Junior, when we were in a band-”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kyuhyun says curtly. “Stop talking nonsense, hyung.”
**
Most of the time, Jongwoon isn’t bothered when Kyuhyun doesn’t speak to him all morning; they can go days without speaking and both will feel fine. But for some reason, today feels different. Awkward. Like Kyuhyun’s purposely not speaking, not speaking to him.
“Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says to him over breakfast. “Kyuhyun? Are you okay?”
Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him. He continues eating his porridge, as if he hadn’t heard the man only a few feet away speak to him.
“Kyuhyun?” Jongwoon says again. “Kyuhyun, do you- do you want me to make dinner for you again?”
Kyuhyun gets up from the table and dumps his food in the sink. Then he grabs his bag and leaves.
**
This goes on for the rest of the day. The next day, too. Jongwoon’s pretty sure he knows what this is about, but-well, he’s not really in the position of making assumptions.
After all, how can he make assumptions about a man he now barely knows?
Kyuhyun doesn’t come home from dinner, though at one in the morning Jongwoon can hear the door open and can see lights flicker on in the living room, from his place in bed. He watches closely through the small gap in his doorway as Kyuhyun walks around, stretches, grabs a few crackers to eat, and then goes into the hallway. He watches as Kyuhyun wanders around and then enters the bathroom, checks himself out in the mirror, brushes his teeth, and then trudges into his bedroom. He watches as Kyuhyun comes out once again, now in pajamas, and goes into the living room to turn out the light. He watches as Kyuhyun turns and goes back down the hall, as Kyuhyun walks away.
**
The days that follow are silent ones-and not the normal silent ones; but rather, the silent ones where Jongwoon just wants to scream and break something because it’s the sort of silence where it’s like the string of tension is hanging in the air and it won’t come down.
Jongwoon ends up slipping on the last piece of melting snow in the middle of the street, and finds himself calling the hospital; and then suddenly he’s perched up on a pair of crutches, with his right foot dangling in the air. He’s told by his doctor that he should be accompanied at all times, and when Jongwoon tells him that it’s not likely for that to happen, the doctor says that he should be careful then. He tells Jongwoon to be steady and perhaps call in to say that he can’t go to work for a while, because he really can’t. Jongwoon thanks him and then makes his way back home, all the while avoiding all the melted snow in the streets.
And all the while, Kyuhyun doesn’t help him. Not once.
**
This isn’t true, actually-though it’s what Jongwoon had expected to be true. (He should stop expecting things, shouldn’t he? Or rather, not expecting them.) But as soon as Kyuhyun sees that Jongwoon is injured, that Jongwoon is hurt, he rushes to his side immediately.
“Hyung, are you okay?” he asks him, running toward him and grabbing his bag, putting it on the ground before examining him some more. “Hyung, you don’t-are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Jongwoon says with a light laugh, looking down at Kyuhyun. “Just sprained an ankle, that’s all.”
“‘Just sprained an ankle?’ That doesn’t sound very good! Well, what do I know,” Kyuhyun adds to his train of thought, “though I guess that doesn’t matter. You can’t be fine if you’re on crutches, hyung! You really can’t be!”
“But I really am,” Jongwoon says, smiling down at him.
**
And so because of Jongwoon’s minor injury and clumsiness, Kyuhyun is talking to him again. Kyuhyun is talking to him and laughing with him and having conversations-they’re a bit more animated, Jongwoon notes, though he supposes that maybe he’s just never been this observant before. He doesn’t mind, though. He knows Kyuhyun, even if he doesn’t know him too well.
Weeks pass and everything is back to normal. This is what Jongwoon tells himself even though he doesn’t know what normal is anymore. But Kyuhyun is normal and he is normal and, well, if that’s how they are, then that must be what normal is, right? Right, Jongwoon thinks once more, and relishes in Kyuhyun’s familiar voice.
**
“I feel so old,” Kyuhyun complains. “Really. Twenty-nine already? And next year I’ll be turning thirty!”
“What about me?” Jongwoon says to him. “Thirty-three and still as handsome as ever.” He doesn’t mean this, of course, but it sounds nice coming out from his lips.
“As ever.” Kyuhyun chuckles and glances down Jongwoon’s leg. “How’s your ankle, hyung?”
“It’s fine.” A thought suddenly strikes Jongwoon. “Hey, Jungsu-hyung’s going to be turning thirty-five next year, won’t he?”
He realizes what he’s said wrong a second too late. Kyuhyun doesn’t react to this because Jongwoon hasn’t made a mistake for a while; but the silence is there, it’s always been there.
“You might want to put some pressure on your foot, hyung,” he says to Jongwoon quietly.
But Jongwoon- Jongwoon ignores his words. Because he’s not going to let Kyuhyun get away with no answer anymore. “Kyuhyun? I’m right, right? Jungsu hyung’ll be thirty-five soon.”
“Yeah.” Kyuhyun doesn’t look at him, doesn’t give his words much thought. “Come on, put some pressure on your foot.”
“Why do I need to put pressure on my foot?” Jongwoon shoots back. “Why is that-Why is that important to you all of a sudden? Don’t you want to talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Do you?”
“Put pressure on your foot,” Kyuhyun says again, clearly attempting to keep his voice steady although it’s shaking, a bit.
“No! No, I’m not going to!” Jongwoon stands up all of a sudden; he winces but doesn’t care. He looks Kyuhyun in the face. “Kyuhyun, why won’t you talk about Jungsu hyung with me? Why won’t you talk about Super Junior with me?”
Kyuhyun doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares out the window and turns his back to Jongwoon.
Frustrated, Jongwoon reaches for his shoulder and yanks him towards him. “Kyuhyun, why won’t you answer me? Why won’t you talk to me? Ab-About Super Junior and Ryeowook and Jungsu and everything, everyone, every-”
“Because!” Kyuhyun says. The air breaks between them. “Because I don’t want to, okay? Because I just don’t want to! I don’t want to-I don’t want to think about Super Junior, I don’t want to talk about Super Junior, I don’t want to-” He cuts himself off, breathing heavily.
“But why?” Jongwoon persists. “Why won’t you-Why don’t you want to, what-what’s so wrong about-about us?”
He says us like Super Junior isn’t just about the members, it’s about him and Kyuhyun. Like there’s some sort of, some sort of family between Jongwoon and Kyuhyun.
Kyuhyun thrusts Jongwoon’s hand off his shoulder and glowers. It’s cold.
“I don’t want to Yesung, okay? I don’t want to.”
He storms off, away.
**
Jongwoon later realizes that it’s the first time Kyuhyun’s ever called him something else other than ‘hyung.’
Jongwoon later realizes that Yesung isn’t even his real name.
**
They don’t talk anymore. Well, they do. But not really. Their conversations are abrupt and fall short, and there’s not much essence to any of them. Jongwoon feels like he’s a stranger, and Kyuhyun’s a stranger, and they’re just two people who are together and have nothing, together.
Jongwoon never asks more than, “What are you ordering for dinner today?” and Kyuhyun never answers more than, “Beef noodles.” They only speak when spoken to, speak when they need to, and speak when they absolutely have to. The air feels thin and strong, almost suffocating. Jongwoon barely finds the will to breathe.
He wonders what it would be like if he tried. If he tried to speak more, if he tried to talk more. If he tried to get Kyuhyun to actually look at him, to tell him why he had gotten upset over the mention of their old band leader. If he tried to ask Kyuhyun why he had called him by his old, forgotten nickname and never by his real name.
**
He’s off his crutches after a month when he had slipped, but Kyuhyun doesn’t comment on it.
The ground between them feels empty, dry.
His mini album makes it to the top of some chart-which chart, he’s not quite sure, but when he goes back to work a few weeks later, his manager approaches him with a CD in one hand and a grin on his face. “Congratulations,” he says. “You might as well do a full album.”
“Not likely,” Jongwoon says with a chuckle. “What’s that?” He nods his head over to where his stylist is holding something small and colorful. His manager beams.
“Just a little congratulatory present we should we should get for you,” he says. “But we weren’t quite sure which color you liked best. Pick one.”
The stylist walks over to him, a small, perhaps fake smile lined along her lips. “Red or pink,” she says.
Jongwoon looks down at the stuffed animals in her hands. “Pink.”
**
(Later his manager asks him if he wants to perform live at a concert because it’s good for giving publicity, and it has a good price to come along with it. Jongwoon declines the offer.)
**
When he comes home, he leaves his bags and the stuffed animal on the counter before going off to go to the bathroom. Kyuhyun’s in the living room, on the computer.
He pretends not to notice that Kyuhyun’s eyes go towards the toy and linger on it for a second too long.
**
Over the next several days Jongwoon tries his hand at cooking again. It’s not his best skill, he knows, but he’s certainly not terrible. At least, as far as he knows. He’s mediocre, and that’s good enough for him.
Kyuhyun leaves early in the mornings, and doesn’t come home until around midnight.
And all the while, Jongwoon thinks of Super Junior. He thinks of all the members and all the years they had spent together (and thirteen boys staying together, fifteen boys being a family sounds too big, sounds too chaotic-but for them it had been perfect). He thinks of what they must be doing now or what they’re not doing now, and if they’re on the other side of the world or only a few doors down from them. Wherever they are, Jongwoon hopes that they’re happy, as he cooks fried rice in the pan in front of him.
**
(Jongwoon’s always had this dream where he’s standing at the edge of a beach, staring out at an ocean, perhaps waiting for someone to come back. The sand is warm beneath his toes and the sea tosses waves back and forth.)
**
Maybe he tells himself that he’ll try to get in touch with the other members again, that he’ll laugh with Donghee and talk to Youngwoon again. Maybe he tells himself that he’ll try to shoot Henry an email or call Donghae on the phone. But it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t end up doing any of this anyways. He’s with Kyuhyun.
So instead he just cooks his own food and sings his own songs that he’s composed himself. He goes to church on Sundays (even though he hasn’t been there for ages) and occasionally watches dramas on his television.
And he talks to Kyuhyun twice a day at most, and hardly ever sees him around their apartment. But it doesn’t really bother him too much. As long as Kyuhyun comes home.
**
But even after all this, something doesn’t settle right. With Kyuhyun gone all the time, Jongwoon doesn’t even know if it’s worth it to come back to their apartment. It doesn’t feel like home.
They stop talking. They stop looking at each other. They both become so absent to each other that it’s even hard to say that they’re roommates. Jongwoon doesn’t even know what he’s doing for the majority of the time: he’s wandering around the city, he’s going around shopping, he’s seeing friends and saying hi and smiling. Sometimes he wonders what Kyuhyun’s doing. If Kyuhyun’s looking about the city and going to stores and seeing his friends. He wonders if Kyuhyun’s seeing any girls. Not that he should be caring, but-they aren’t really idols anymore, are they? They’re free to do whatever they want. And so Jongwoon wonders what Kyuhyun’s doing and if he’s dating anyone (and the thought makes his stomach clench) just because he can (and he also wonders why he isn’t dating anyone himself-perhaps it had never been quite his style). If he’s seeing girls, hugging girls, kissing girls…
At the end of the day, though, it’s all the same. It all goes to waste.
**
He takes Kyuhyun’s laptop one afternoon and decides to stream some old Super Junior shows. There’s nothing like looking back on memories. He goes through video sites and search sites until he comes to the homepage of some group of fangirls who have illegal clips of EHB and Intimate Note and Sukira and some music videos, and then clicks on some random links. Soon enough he’s watching and laughing and has his hand covered over his mouth as he watches him and his band members do some of the stupidest things and say the strangest scripted lines. It all feels real to him. So real.
Jongwoon falls asleep in the middle of watching Shin PD. It’s about ten o’clock at night and he’s still dressed in his work clothes, but he manages to drift off anyways, with his hand still on the mouse pad. He doesn’t hear anything all night, and he doesn’t wake up until seven in the morning.
When he nods his head up, he sees that he’s lying on the couch with a blanket covering him-had he fallen asleep like this? Everything around him is all clean, and-the laptop isn’t with him anymore. Kyuhyun’s laptop. The entire apartment is quiet.
**
And so Jongwoon continues watching old Super Junior videos, Super Junior talk shows, Super Junior performances-had they always been that happy? Or had it been all an act? He can’t quite remember, but he wishes that he can revert to that emotion, back to feeling like he’s on top of the world rather than someone average, someone in the middle, someone unimportant.
He plays old Super Junior songs and sings along to them as well. He doesn’t remember all the words, of course, and makes them up as he goes along; but they all ring familiar to him and he likes it. He bellows out the right lyrics and the wrong lyrics and tries to dance along even though he had never really been the best at choreography. But he’s having fun, when Kyuhyun’s not around.
Kyuhyun comes home at a surprisingly early hour a few days later while Jongwoon is vacuuming the apartment and singing along to Sorry Sorry (and dancing as well, though it seems to be more like shuffling). He doesn’t really notice that Kyuhyun’s home, however, until he hears him speak.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Jongwoon whips around. At first he’s embarrassed, that Kyuhyun had caught him doing something so... so foolish, but it all goes away when he sees the glare settling in Kyuhyun’s eyes.
“I’m reminiscing,” he replies.
Kyuhyun’s gaze is fixed on him. “Just stop it, hyung.”
“Stop what?” Jongwoon suddenly feels defensive, annoyed. “Stop listening to our old songs? Stop mentioning our old bandmates? Stop trying to talk about our past-?”
“Just stop it, please.”
“I’m not going to stop!” Jongwoon says fiercely. “I’m not going to-I don’t want to forget about them, okay? Maybe you do, maybe you don’t want to remember all the good times we had, but-but at least I’m actually doing something to try to remember!”
Kyuhyun looks to Jongwoon exasperatedly. He suddenly looks tired, much older. “Hyung.”
The music stops in the background. The world stops moving around them.
“What?” Jongwoon says annoyedly. “You want me to stop singing? You want me to stop remembering? You want me to just ignore the past several years of both our lives?”
“You don’t even know what you’re saying-”
“I don’t care if you want to forget about everything we’ve been for the past several years, but.” Jongwoon stares Kyuhyun straight in the eye. “I’m not going to any time soon.”
“Hyung, you don’t even know!” Kyuhyun suddenly shouts, catching him off guard. “You really call this not forgetting? What, trying to bring up the subject every time you can, trying to bring them back? You can’t bring them back and you know it! You can’t make new memories out of old ones! And that’s what you’re doing!”
“I’m not-”
“Do you realize how much I miss them?” says Kyuhyun. “Do you know how much I want to forget? I can’t-Do you know how hard it is to let things go?”
“But you shouldn’t let it go,” says Jongwoon. “You can’t just let something like that so important, so huge to you, you can’t just let it go-that’s why I don’t want to let it go, because that’s like-”
“Hyung, you have to let it go sometime! You can’t sit in the past!” Kyuhyun yells, screams over Jongwoon. “You’re just trying to-You’re just trying to remake everything we were but you can’t! Have you been in touch with any of the members? Do you know anything about them now?”
“I-no, of course not, but we can always change that-”
“We can’t, Yesung, can’t you see that? We can’t! We’re broken apart and we’re gone-Henry’s probably back in Canada, Hankyung and Zhou Mi are never going to leave China-we can’t, we’re done, an-and-”
“Then why,” Jongwoon says, all of a sudden angry, “why in the world did you want to room together with me, why did you want to live with me, out of all the Super Junior members, why did you want to stay with me-Jesus Christ if I had known you’d be this way, I wouldn’t have-”
“I DON’T KNOW!” Kyuhyun shrieks. “I don’t know! I just-don’t you remember, when we had went on our own ways, we both said that we’d have our own solo careers-and then one thing happened and then the next and this just-”
“And if you wanted to forget about everyone so much, then you didn’t have to stay with me at all! But no, instead you’re just dumping it on me, all of it on me-”
“You don’t miss them the way I do! You don’t know-You don’t know that I miss them too!” Kyuhyun throws his hands to his sides. “You don’t think that I wasn’t part of the band? You think that I didn’t love them the way you do?”
“Then why-”
“Because! Because I know that I can’t! Because I know that I shouldn’t try to hold onto something that will never come back! Can’t you see, Yesung, that we have to let go and move on-”
“STOP CALLING ME YESUNG!” Jongwoon shouts; he’s suddenly aware of everything around them, and how shattered it all seems.
“That’s exactly what I mean! I can’t-It’s hard for me to let go of things like this!” Kyuhyun looks like he’s about to cry, and his voice is shaking, like the earth. “I want to let go, I want to-I want to forget about it all, I just don’t-I just don’t want to think about it but how am I supposed to forget if you’re just bringing it all back, making me-”
“You’re just being weak, you know that?” snarls Jongwoon. “You’re just being weak and you’re too scared to face it! At least I, I’m doing something when you’re just trying to avoid it all because you’re just too fucking scared-”
“I may be scared, but at least I’m not hanging onto something that’s already gone,” Kyuhyun retorts.
Jongwoon glowers at him.
“I never should have lived with you.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have.”
“I shouldn’t-This was just a bad idea. I can’t believe you want to forget about Super Junior,” says Jongwoon, shaking his head.
“I don’t want to forget about them, it’s just something that I don’t want to hold onto!”
“Yeah? Well you know what?” says Jongwoon fiercely. “I may miss Super Junior, but I sure as hell don’t miss you!”
“That doesn’t make any sense-”
“I miss Jungsu!” shouts Jongwoon. “And Heechul and Hankyung a-and Youngwoon, and Donghee, and Sungmin, and-” his breath catches “and Hyukjae and Donghae, and Siwon, and Ryeowook, and Kibum and Zhou Mi and Henry-but you, Kyuhyun, after living with you for the past-months, years, whatever-you-I-I can’t even imagine, why we had ever decided to do this in the first place, and why, of all people-”
“So you’re saying that you don’t even like me!” shouts Kyuhyun.
“Maybe I am!” Jongwoon fires back.
“Well maybe-” Kyuhyun breaks off and pants. “Well fine; if you miss them so fucking much, then go find someone else to stay with!”
Jongwoon scowls; Kyuhyun’s defiant stare doesn’t falter. Then, without a word, Jongwoon storms out of the apartment. His footsteps echo down the hall and through the stairs he climbs down, and all he can think about is how much he hates Kyuhyun, about how much he hates being with Kyuhyun, and, and how Super Junior doesn’t feel like anything but a dream anymore.
Kyuhyun is stupid, isn’t he? He’s stupid. For thinking that they should just forget about them, for thinking that they just move on… Move on to what? From what? From the past? Jongwoon knows, he knows that hanging onto the past is a bad thing, that he should cherish memories but continue forward, but-but that’s what he’s doing, isn’t it? That’s what he’s been doing all along. He’s been remembering. He’s been recalling all the nice and fun times. He hasn’t been trying to bring Super Junior back; he hasn’t been trying to recreate something that’s already gone…
And cooking isn’t trying to bring Ryeowook back. And going to church isn’t trying to bring Siwon back. And pink, pink of all things, isn’t trying to bring Sungmin back. And watching old shows isn’t trying to bring them all back. He’s just nostalgic, that’s all. And Kyuhyun is stupid. He’s foolish for just wanting to forget, for not letting go, for not letting go of forgetting-he had been the one who kept calling Jongwoon his old nickname, the nickname he hasn’t heard in months, years, in forever...
He makes his way out into the streets of Seoul. It’s raining, though Jongwoon concludes that this makes sense because hell, it’s springtime already. He ducks his head down and wishes that the jacket he’s wearing had a hood, and Jongwoon just stomps through the water like he always does. He’s pushing against it all, and a part of him wishes, that maybe, maybe they shouldn’t have broken up. Maybe they shouldn’t have gone off in their separate directions. Maybe they just should have stayed as Super Junior forever…
You can’t bring them back and you know it…
And if they had stayed together, he wouldn’t need to bring them back. He wouldn’t miss them, he wouldn’t feel the sudden pain of realization that they’re gone and that there’s nothing they can do anymore. They won’t ever be the band they had been in the past, and there’s no way they would be it in the future… He wouldn’t want to forget about them. He wouldn’t need to forget about them.
But everything has its end, right? Jongwoon stops in the streets and the knowledge hits him in the chest even harder. They wouldn’t last forever. They can’t last forever. And even if he’s staying with Kyuhyun, his last real piece of Super Junior… Kyuhyun’s already gone. Kyuhyun’s trying to make something new. Kyuhyun’s trying to begin again, even if he can’t bring himself to. Kyuhyun’s trying to get over them.
(But he can’t, not really.)
Jongwoon doesn’t even know if he wants to leave Kyuhyun, if he wants to leave the only part of Super Junior he has left. And it’s not just because of Super Junior, but because-because he can’t. Even if Jongwoon wants to, he can’t bring himself to push Kyuhyun away. He can’t leave him.
The rain continues to fall, soaking his hair wet. Jongwoon suddenly realizes that he’s cold when he stops walking for a second too long, and then continues on. Anything left of Kyuhyun’s words rings in his mind, and his anger fades away, making him no longer feel blind. Because forgetting is the last thing he wants to do. Because letting go sort of sounds like, this never happened and we’re going to pretend it didn’t. But moving on, making something out of whatever he has left, that’s what he has to do.
(And he has Kyuhyun.)
Something suddenly hits him from behind, tightening around his waist-Jongwoon stops in his tracks again. Someone is holding him from behind, causing heat to escalate up his body, and there are arms, arms around him. Jongwoon doesn’t know who, what, why-he hears a small gasp of breath, and a nose and a mouth press against his shoulder. Skin is touching his skin, warm, small, smooth.
“Please don’t leave me,” murmurs Kyuhyun’s voice, and Jongwoon’s heart clenches in his throat. Something wet, something not rain hits on the side of his neck, and Kyuhyun squeezes tighter.
“Please don’t go.”
**
When they arrive back at their apartment, it’s quiet as ever-but it feels like the sort of settled quiet, the serenity, where for the first time, everything’s pretty much okay. Kyuhyun awkwardly tells Jongwoon that he should take a shower and Jongwoon awkwardly mumbles back that that sounds like a good idea and awkwardly, they go on their respective ways and do their own respective things.
Jongwoon thinks about it in the shower. That sure, letting go of the past will be hard-but he has Kyuhyun to help him through. And he’s here to help Kyuhyun through. And for some reason, this makes something flutter to the bottom of his stomach, like the last feather of a wing, waiting to be shed.
As soon as he finishes, he comes out, just to see Kyuhyun sitting on the couch with his laptop, though it seems more like Kyuhyun is waiting for him. When Jongwoon catches his eye, he can’t help but blush slightly; but Kyuhyun doesn’t seem to notice (his blush) as he speaks.
“Do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” he asks him.
Jongwoon’s stunned for a moment; it’d be the first dinner they’d be having together in a long time. But then he smiles. “Sure,” he says, and sort of feels like a giddy little boy as he walks back over to his room.
He gets dressed, and when he comes out, he sees that Kyuhyun has put his laptop down and is now making his way towards the door. Kyuhyun shoots him a look the instant he hears him come into the room. “Ready to go?” he asks.
Jongwoon nods and makes his way towards him. “I’m ready.”
**
The dinner feels like it’s their first time being together, their first time actually starting to know each other. They’re starting over. Jongwoon kind of likes it because he finds out so many things about Kyuhyun that he’s never known before-either that, or things he’s forgotten. But Kyuhyun doesn’t really seem to mind as he laughs when Jongwoon stumbles over his words again.
They get ice cream afterwards and walk around, not wanting to go back home. Jongwoon falls in step with the other man, waiting for everything to blow over.
Part II