No Matter What (V)

[kingdra]

Part IV

V. The Next Step

Kibum hadn't changed much since Henry had last seen him, but Henry had felt like everything had changed. From the way he walked, from the way he looked at him, from the way their arms would accidentally brush whenever they leaned too close against each other...

For months now, Henry had been contemplating his friendship with Kibum. It had started when he became aware that he was signing his emails to Kibum with "love", and that Kibum was signing them like that back-though that was probably just to parallel him or something. Henry didn't know why he had done it in the first place-it just sort of felt instinctive, the same way you would do with a brother or sister. But when Henry stared at the email right before he sent it, it wasn't the same. It felt different, saying "love" to Kibum. Because Kibum wasn't his brother. Sure, it'd be nice if Kibum was his brother... but he wasn't. He wasn't even like a brother. He was like something else.

And okay, Henry had known he was gay for ages now. But he hadn't really been conscious about his feelings toward guys. Sure, he'd check some guys out and see who was cute and who had a nice ass-but it was all admiration, minimal infatuation, attraction. He never kissed guys, and when he masturbated, it was always too some imaginary guy in his mind. He wasn't even sure if he was even thinking about a guy. It was all just natural, for him to beat off like he was eating or drinking or even sleeping. (Of course, masturbating wasn't as important as those things, much less was on his mind as much-but he was a teenage boy, and it happened.)

So as giddy as he was for Kibum to come back to California for the summer, a little bit of himself was dreading it, as well. For not only had he developed feelings for his best friend over the summer of eleventh grade, but he was beginning to think about him while he jacked off. And that was not a good sign. That was not a good sign at all.

Henry did his best not to think about it.

An afternoon a few days after the last day of school, he waited anxiously at his front door for Kibum to arrive. It wasn't the sort of anxious where he felt like he was going to throw up-but the anxiousness that was going to stay forever, and he had no idea what the hell to do. Because Henry really had no idea what to do. He swallowed, and told himself to stay focused.

When Kibum rang the doorbell, Henry opened the door.

"Hey," Henry greeted, as if Kibum appeared on his doorstep every day even though they hadn't seen each other for about six months.

"Hey." Kibum grinned back; Henry swallowed. "Want to help me with my stuff?" He gestured to the bags next to his feet.

Henry nodded, and together the two of them got Kibum's suitcase, backpack and duffel bag and dragged them into the family room. Once they were done, they plopped onto the leather couch.

Kibum turned to Henry.

"Hey," he said again.

Henry made a noncommittal noise.

"Are you all right?" Kibum asked concernedly, leaning closer to him.

Henry managed to nod. "I'm fine," he said. "It's just... really hot. Heat waves make me think slower." He fanned himself and thought, What the hell did I just say?

Kibum grinned again (Henry tried to tear his gaze away from him) and felt Henry's burning forehead. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked, his voice teasing.

Henry tried to relieve himself from the aftershocks of Kibum's touch. "I'm perfectly fine!" he said, perhaps a bit too loudly and too defiantly. "Just... tired and all. You know."

"Well okay." Looking a bit alarmed but not too concerned at this outburst, Kibum retracted his hand. "So, what's new with you?"

"Um..." Henry racked his brains and tried to distract himself from staring into Kibum's eyes too long. "Girls," he blurted out, and then wondered why the fuck he said that.

"Girls?" Kibum raised an eyebrow. "What about girls? Did you finally get a girlfriend?"

"No, no!" said Henry, shaking his head rapidly. "No, that's not what I mean, I..."

"Henry, you really don't look that good at all," Kibum stated, pulling a frown. "I've been here for five minutes and you're talking more nonsense than you ever have in your whole life. Is something the matter?"

"No, I'm fine, really!" Henry said, and hoped his voice wasn't too loud or shaky. "I think we should go play video games. There's something I wanted to show you!"

"Okay." Kibum continued frowning, but followed him as Henry jumped off of the couch and ran upstairs.

Once they were in his room, Henry did an imaginary pace inside his head. Stop freaking out, he told himself. It's just Kibum. It's not like heknows anything. Pretend nothing's changed. It's all the same, the way everything used to be. There's no way he'd figure out, anyways.

"What did you want to show me?" Kibum asked curiously, settling down on Henry's worn beanbag.

Henry grabbed the Sims game from the side of his desk and popped it into his computer. "This," he said, thinking quickly on his feet. "Remember how I told you that there was that computer game where we had a house together? This is it."

"Oh!" Kibum looked pleased. "Show me! I want to see!"

"That's what I'm doing now." Henry laughed. This is easy, he thought. Distracting myself. If I can keep this up for the next four weeks...

He was extremely aware, though, when Kibum knelt next to the chair he was sitting in and their arms brushed, gently. Henry prevented himself from flinching, and noticed that Kibum didn't even seem to notice at all. It's probably always been this way, he thought to himself,and I'm only starting to notice now. Damn, this is going to be really hard...

And it was. For the rest of the night, and for the next several days, Kibum was the way he had always been-touchy, friendly, extremely intimate, even though they were still friends. Henry had to suppress every urge to blush and physically react to these touches, and told himself that Kibum was just a friend, nothing more, and that's all he'll ever be, like he had been doing for the past few months.

But, of course, it didn't work. And his feelings for Kibum remained as intact as ever.

It was a bit of a problem in the mornings. But Henry made sure that he woke up before Kibum, anyways, in order to go to the bathroom, and bit his lip so he wouldn't say something that he'd soon regret.

***

One week in, and Henry decided that no matter what his feelings were, his best friend was over and he hadn't seen him in ages so he was going to make the most of it, dammit! Who cared if he had a crush on him? (He did.) Who cared if he was both physically and emotionally attracted to him? (He did.) Who cared if every little thing Kibum did made Henry jittery and nervous and excited all at the same time? (He did.) He was his best friend for goodness' sakes, so they were going to spend all the time they could together!

(He still liked him liked him, though.)

So the next Monday, when Henry and Kibum had the house to themselves for the first time since Kibum had gotten here, Henry decided that they weren't going to lounge around and play video games all the time. They were actually going to do something.

"We are actually going to do something," he declared over breakfast.

Kibum looked up from his cereal. "Haven't we been doing things all week?"

"Yes, but we've been inside the house the whole time," Henry said patiently. "It's time we've had some fun! It's time we get some sunlight!" He pumped his fist in the air.

"Sounds good." Kibum turned back to his cereal. "Finish your breakfast, will you?"

"Fine, fine," Henry grumbled, and shoved a spoonful of milk and Corn Pops into his mouth.

They finished their breakfast, and then showered, dressed and brushed their teeth. As soon as Kibum had dried the last strand of his hair, Henry grabbed his wrist and tugged him toward the front door, saying, "We're going to the water park now!"

"Water park? What water park?" Kibum blinked, like a lost puppy.

Henry cursed his brain for the Kibum-puppy analogies. "I told you a long time ago over chat," he said. "There's a water park on the edge of town that's only open during the summer? I did tell you, right?"

"Oh yeah! I remember now," said Kibum. "Awesome. But shouldn't we get swimming suits, first?"

"Oh-right." Henry turned pink and tried not to think of Kibum shirtless. "You brought your trunks?"

"Of course. What's a summer without any swimming?" Kibum waggled his eyebrows at him. "Hold on, I'll go change!"

He ran off to the family room. Henry told his pants to calm down, and then went upstairs to change into his own trunks.

They met back up at the front door within a matter of seconds, and once Henry was sure he had his house key, they took off for the water park. It wasn't very far away from Henry's house-perks of living in a town, was that everything was within walking distance-and it took them about twenty minutes to get there. By then, Kibum and Henry were both sweating like dogs and giggling like hyenas at the sight of each other panting and trying to breathe.

"I am... never running... a race against you... ever again," Kibum managed through his stifled laughter and gasps.

"Soccer... did me well... I think," Henry giggled, leaning against the fence of the water park. He regained his composure and managed to control his breathing again. "Let's go on all the rides!"

They did. They went on all the rides they could see-water rollercoasters, boat rides, water slides, water tubes, and even the little kiddie rides in the back of the park. Henry had never known Kibum to be such a fun-loving guy, but apparently underneath his bookwormishness, there was a boy dying to ride the biggest and scariest rollercoaster. Man, not boy, he reminded himself, and blushed at the image that appeared in his mind. Luckily, Kibum was too busy wondering out loud which ride they should go on next, and didn't notice at all.

(Henry was also lucky that Kibum had always been looking in another direction each time they sat closer to each other than normal friends (not best friends) would, for his face would turn a beet red that it would take an army to tone it down.)

They had lunch around twelve (Kibum remembered to bring extra money, since all of Henry's money had gone to buying their park tickets), and then went on all the rides again. But once the afternoon sun got hotter and beat down on their backs like a hammer, the lines started getting longer as well.

Too lazy to wait in line for White Water Rapids, Henry turned to Kibum. "This is boring," he said. "We should go play in the playground instead."

"Playground?" Kibum's eyes lit up. "What playground?"

"There's a water playground," Henry jerked his thumb backwards, "over there. There's a small one for kids, but there's another one for older kids like us, too-"

"Let's go!" Kibum said eagerly, and grabbed his hand and ran to where Henry had pointed. Henry followed him, laughing.

"Well geez," he said, once they were standing at the fence outside of the play area. "If I knew you liked playgrounds so much, I should have tried to get you to play on them when we were younger!"

"Oh, playing on dry land isn't half as fun." Kibum grinned and tossed his sandals off, and then stripped his shirt off so that he was standing only in his swimming trunks. "Come on, let's play!"

Henry did his best not to gawk after Kibum as Kibum ran off into the playground and disappeared behind a large tower. Then shaking his head and smiling to himself, Henry took off his own shoes and shirt, tossed them into a pile with Kibum's stuff, and ran to follow him.

"You can't catch me!" he heard Kibum laugh somewhere beyond. A large jet of water streamed from above, and Henry looked up to see a long yellow metal tube hanging from above. Kibum was at the top of the playground, controlling the water.

"Asshole!" he cried, and then ducked under the bridge of the jungle gym and tried to find the nearest plastic staircase. However, when he was only a few feet away from him, he felt another stream of water hit him-he turned around to see Kibum at the other side with an attached-to-the-playground water gun in his hand, grinning.

"I told you you can't catch me!" he shouted.

Henry let out a cry of amused indignation and clambered up the stairs as fast as he could, dodging the other kids who were playing, and got a water gun of his own. He looked around wildly for Kibum so he could shoot him-but where was he?

"Over here!" Kibum called, and Henry spun around to see Kibum on the far tower, laughing his ass off. Growling, Henry abandoned the water gun and sprinted down the fake bridge, to get to where Kibum was as fast as possible.

The two teenage boys chased each other around throughout the entire water playground, accidentally terrorizing little kids along the way. Finally, after too much running around, Henry finally cornered Kibum in a tower which only had a ladder to get down from.

Henry cackled. "I've got you now!" he cried. "There's no place for you to g-whoa!"

He slipped as he ran toward Kibum, and landed on top of him with a very loud, "Oof!" His shoulder made contact with Kibum's chest. He tried not to blush.

"Klutz," Kibum laughed, shifting a little; Henry felt his upper arm brush against his nipple and heated up even more. He turned his head so that Kibum couldn't see his red-as-a-tomato face.

"Get off me, will you? You're not as light as your cheeks would suggest," Kibum said with a smile in his voice. At first, Henry had thought,Cheeks? Ass cheeks? but then he realized what exactly Kibum was saying and got off of him as fast as he possibly could.

"Sorry," he mumbled, turning away and trying to calm his pants down and cool off his face and thinking, SHIT SHIT DOUBLE SHIT WHAT DO I THINK I'M EVEN DOING?

He heard Kibum laugh again from behind him, and turned around to see Kibum smiling. He prevented his eyes from straying to Kibum's muscular arms or to his bellybutton or any lower.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" said Kibum. "How about we gang up on the other kids at this place?"

Henry smiled as well.

"Let's do it."

***

So for most of the remainder of the summer, Henry and Kibum spent their time doing whatever they could before Kibum had to go away again. They went to the park again, to the zoo, to the movies, to the mall, and to Disney Land on a weekend. (They both later agreed that Disney Land wasn't as good as it used to be. But that was probably because they grew up.) They even saw some of Kibum's old friends along the way, to whom they said hello to and had a few conversations with.

Well into the next week, and the third week that Kibum had been here, they were walking around downtown, looking for something to do. Though walking around was already doing something, Henry realized, but he didn't voice this thought out loud.

"Look! There's a pottery shop!" Kibum said excitedly, and grabbed Henry's hand and dragged him over to the front of the store. This was the fifth store Kibum had pretended to have remote interest in, and the fifth time Henry rolled his eyes and pretended that his fingers weren't burning because Kibum was touching them. He wondered if Kibum felt it.

"There is absolutely nothing amazing about a pottery shop," he stated once they were outside the glass window and Kibum had dropped his hand.

Kibum turned from pressing his sweaty nose against the window and gave Henry a mock glare. "Nothing amazing about a pottery shop? Blasphemy! Obviously you don't appreciate anything about the ceramic arts!"

"I appreciate the culinary arts, that's what I appreciate," said Henry as his stomach growled. "Can we go get something to eat? Pleeease?" he whined.

"No," Kibum said firmly. "Not until we teach your stomach to live for six hours with consuming anything. You remember what we discussed a few days ago, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," said Henry, not looking at Kibum's stern glare. "'The human body should be able to function for six hours without eating, otherwise all you get is extra fat and weight'-I get it. Not like my weight is anything I need to watch out for, anyways." He poked his belly.

"Yes," Kibum said patiently. "But still. It's something you should consider, at the least. Oh look, a music store!"

"Music store?" Henry's ears perked up. "Where?"

"Over there!" Kibum pointed to the other side of the street. Both of them took off after checking for cars, and soon enough had their noses pressed against the store window.

"Should we go inside?" Henry asked.

"If there's air conditioning. I forgot how sickeningly hot it gets here." Kibum pulled at his collar.

Henry tried not to stare at his neck. "Let's check. I'll go in first."

He made his way to the front door and opened it. A bell rang, and a cool breeze rushed in his face. "Freedom!" he practically shouted, and walked into the store with Kibum on his heels. The feel of air conditioning was a relief to his soul and his body and his skin and, well, basically every part of him, inside and out.

Henry heard Kibum come in after him. "Ah, this feels much better," he said, joining Henry at his side. "Shall we look around? We shouldn't just stand here and do nothing."

"Yeah," Henry agreed, and the both of them made their way around the store.

It was any old instrument store-racks of guitars, rooms of pianos and keyboards, drum sets in a few corner, string instruments in another and a little shop especially for woodwinds. But Kibum looked at everything with such fascination that Henry couldn't help being enamored as well. He watched as Kibum asked an employee if he could try a guitar (and failed at it), attempted at the drums (and failed at it), and then finally went to the pianos where he was actually pretty competent at. Henry played the piano as well (and tried to get Kibum to play "Heart and Soul" with him, but Kibum refused), and after much urging from Kibum, played a few notes on a violin. When they were well-rested and cooled off enough, they said good-bye to the employees who had taken a liking to them, and walked out of the shop.

"Well that was fun, wasn't it?" Kibum said with a grin. "Even though it's still hot as hell as here." He exhaled and fanned himself with his hand.

"It is," Henry agreed. "Why don't we go to the middle of town and rest or something? And possibly get something to eat along the way?"

He batted his eyelashes when Kibum turned around to look at him, and then Kibum sighed. "Fine," he said and Henry cheered. "But only if we go to one place of my choice before."

"Sure!" said Henry. Then he stopped. "Wait, where are we going?"

"Bookstore."

"Mean!" Henry hit Kibum over the head with the back of his palm. "You're going to spend forever in there, two hours at the least-"

"Half hour at most, I promise," said Kibum. Henry looked at him. "Well really! You can't just tell me to go there and not browse through at least one shelf!"

"And by 'browse', you mean read the back cover of every book?"

"Yes," Kibum said.

Henry continued giving him the look.

"Do we have a deal or not?"

Kibum stared at him back. Then Henry slumped his shoulders and sighed. "Fine. We can go to the bookstore," he grumbled.

"Yay," Kibum said. And when he looked to a disgruntled Henry, he just grabbed around his torso into a side embrace, not letting go. "Oh come on, Henry," he said. "I'm sure you'll have plenty of fun."

Henry opened up his mouth to speak, but he was too distracted by the warmth of Kibum's weight pressed into his side. He walked to the bookstore without a single complaint.

***

Summer went on without a hitch. Henry managed to go through his daily routine with only the occasional blushes that Kibum saw, and then the frequent blushes that happened when one of them was coincidentally turning their head. It didn't matter, though, because Henry was determined to get over this stupid crush he had on his best friend so everything would feel right and normal again.

The day before Kibum had to leave to go back to Korea, sometime in mid-July, they decided to spend it not playing video games or staying at home, which is what they usually did on the weekends, but instead go out and do as much as they could before Kibum was gone. They spent most of their morning in the zoo, and then quickly left near lunch time to grab a bite downtown, and then went to the water park until the lines started getting long again. Then they went to see a movie-a really crappy one which they mocked and talked throughout, until the security guards had to come in and yell at them. It wasn't like they were being really loud, though. It was just that either Kibum was saying a cynical remark, or Henry was sniggering immaturely at a double entendre that wasn't supposed to be there.

Near late afternoon, they ran out of things to do. So Kibum suggested for them to walk around the park like they always did, and talk about whatever was on their minds. Unfortunately, the only thing on Henry's mind was the way that they were pressed so close together that their hips were nearly touching and that sent feelings into places where feelings were not supposed to be sent, especially around one's best friend.

"So," he said, trying to get his mind off of his lower regions, and moving away from Kibum so that he could only barely feel his hot skin. "How's life in Korea? Like, things you didn't tell me online."

"Uh." Kibum chuckled. "I don't know? I tell you everything through MSN, anyways."

"I suppose." Henry stared at his feet as they walked. "Uhh... how's Eu... Eu... what's her face."

"Eunhee?" Kibum laughed. "That's how you say it."

"Eunhee," Henry tried, saying it the way Kibum had.

"Right." Kibum smiled at him. Henry quickly looked away. "Um. She's fine, I guess?"

"Anything new with her?" Henry said cautiously.

Kibum furrowed his eyebrows. "I... can't remember. Oh! She got a boyfriend a few weeks before we left, the son of one of her parent's friends. He's from Gwangju."

"Oh." Henry still didn't look up. "Is she still your best friend in Korea?"

"Well duh," said Kibum. "Though she'll never be as good of a friend as you, of course."

He bent his head down and tried to catch Henry's eye. Henry glimpsed at him and managed a smile, before quickly looking away again.

"That's cool," he said. "I don't really have a new best friend here, since you're still my best friend from California, deep down at heart." He laughed, but it sounded strange coming out of his mouth.

"True, true." Kibum laughed as well. "But I'll be your best friend all over the world, right?"

"Right," said Henry. He still didn't look at Kibum. But that wasn't weird, of course. It wasn't like they had to stare at each other all the time, right?

"I am a bit closer with Emily," he said suddenly. "You know," he glanced at him, "the girl who asked me out to prom? Well, she said she forgave me and she apologized, and was really embarrassed because she thought she misread the signs or something. But she said she hoped nothing weird was between us, and I said yeah, and we've been hanging out a lot ever since."

He chanced another look at Kibum's face, but his expression was blank. Empty. Nothing. No reaction at all.

"Good for you," Kibum said, perhaps a bit absentmindedly. "It's nice to know that you're faring well without me." He shot Henry a brief smile at this.

Henry looked back down. "I'm faring well, of course," he said. "But not better. You know. Because I can never cope well enough unless you're around."

"You give me too much credit," Kibum laughed. "Come on, let's go to the elementary school."

They walked toward the elementary school grounds. Henry briefly remembered what had happened the last time they were here. Kibum must have remembered too, because he tensed almost immediately. But Henry didn't let this get to him, and he didn't want to be seen as the lower person, so he continued on and ignored the stiffness in his own shoulders.

"It's really been a while," Kibum said thoughtfully, gazing to the sun which was setting into the distance behind some trees. "We've really grown up, haven't we?"

"We have," said Henry. "And yet, none of this has changed."

"I don't think any of it will change," said Kibum. "Even as we grow up, the world will stay the same."

"That's awfully deep, even for you." Henry sent Kibum a teasing grin, but Kibum didn't seem to notice as he continued staring out to the setting sun.

"What's Emily like?" he asked suddenly, turning to Henry.

"Oh. Well. You know." Henry shrugged, and tried to think of some adjectives to describe Emily. Even though he had never given it much thought, there were definitely things he liked about Emily. Like...

"She's smart. Funny. Pretty. Sarcastic sometimes, too." He shrugged. "Reads books a lot, though," he added, looking pointedly at Kibum, "not as much as you. Also plays a lot of video games for a girl, and can kick my ass at mo-some games."

Kibum grinned at him and Henry took a deep breath. "You were about to say 'most games', weren't you?" he said, amused.

"Hey, she has two older brothers and plays with them all the time!" Henry said defensively.

"Yeah, yeah. Right." Kibum waved his hand playfully at him. "Did you get any girlfriends?"

The question was so sudden that it nearly caught Henry off guard. "No," he said immediately. "Didn't we go over this? I really haven't had a girlfriend in... well, actually, I've never had a girlfriend."

"Never gone on any dates?" Kibum raised an eyebrow.

"Well-"

Henry stopped. Was he really going to tell Kibum that he hadn't gone on a single date with a girl, not even a measly one that didn't even work out?

"Well I've been to a movie with Monica once," he said, deliberately leaving out the fact that they had only gone as friends because Monica had a boyfriend already. "We saw some chick flick. It wasn't so bad."

"And you asked her out?"

"Well no," Henry confessed. "But you know-it was a mutual agreement thing. 'Cause we both wanted to go to the movies together. Duh"

"Duh," Kibum echoed. He looked to Henry again. "And you really aren't interested in any girls at all right now?"

Henry focused his eyes on the grass near his feet. A ladybug sat on a tiny leaf. "No," he said as truthfully as he could. "I'm not."

Kibum was silent at this. Henry lifted his eyes up to see that Kibum was looking pensively at the elementary school grounds, past the soccer field and to the large hill that creased to the other side.

"Why are you so interested, anyways?" Henry asked suddenly. "How about you? Get it on with any Korean girls?"

Kibum's face turned stony. "No," he said shortly. "I haven't. In fact, I was so concentrated on my schoolwork that I didn't even have time to think about anything aside from my classes, and you."

"Oh." Henry turned back to the ground. Had he said something wrong? What had he done to set Kibum off?

Kibum's expression softened. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that."

"Is there... Is there something you want to tell me?" Henry was completely aware of the irony of the fact that he was the one who had just said that, but he didn't care-Kibum's reaction certainly had been... unexpected.

Kibum shook his head. "I'm fine, really." He managed a chuckle and glanced at Henry. "Come on, we still have a lot of ground left to cover."

They continued walking along the elementary school field in silence, while Henry racked his brains and tried to figure out why the hell Kibum had acted like that. Kibum usually wasn't one to lose his cool, and even under the most awkward situations, he always seemed to be at least a little bit comfortable. But back there, he had completely lost it, or something. Was there a secret girlfriend that Henry didn't know about? Who Kibum had never told him about? This thought made Henry's stomach burn; Kibum shouldn't be keeping secrets like that, especially ones that he didn't like talking about. He'd tell them to Henry, at least.

But then again... why wouldn't Kibum tell Henry? Maybe Henry was just being a bit paranoid. Yes, that must be it-Kibum basically told Henry everything, even the unnecessary things that they both thought were stupid. It was because of those that they knew that they could talk about anything and everything to each other, because even the most pointless things had their significance. The same way both Kibum and Henry weren't exactly the most important people in the world-but to each other, they were more important than the world.

Henry's train of thought was cut off when suddenly Kibum stopped in front of him, making Henry bump into his back. Blushing slightly, and retreating, Henry tilted his head to the side.

"Kibum...?"

Kibum turned around. His expression was strange; Henry had never seen it on him before. His eyes, though: his eyes looked the same as they always did whenever he looked at Henry. Black, warm, affectionate. But something about this look was definitely different, and it made Henry wary when he looked up at him.

"Kibum, are you all right?" he asked, timidly.

Kibum continued staring at him-Henry suddenly was aware of how close they were. Or had they not been this close before, and one of them had taken a step closer? He could see every last detail of Kibum's face, despite being a few centimeters shorter-he could count every eyelash, look at himself in the reflection of Kibum's clear contacts, notice the pinkness of Kibum's gums in his slightly open mouth, and his hip was pressing against Henry's, digging into him, crushing into him, warm and bony...

Henry's fist collided with the front of Kibum's face. He had no idea why he did it-instinct took over and his brain was screaming, RETREAT! RETREAT! and he staggered backwards and watched as Kibum covered up his now freely bleeding nose. Henry had no idea what he had just done. Why he had punched Kibum. Why he didn't let him move in any closer. And why, why he was just staring at Kibum awkwardly as Kibum tried to look at him through his fingers, and why his heart was pounding in his chest, so loudly that he could hear it through his ears; and for a moment, Henry could see black.

He had no idea what to do. What to feel. What to say. What to think. And he had just punched his best friend in the face, probably broke his nose, when he was so sure that they were about to kiss, so sure...

Henry didn't have any other choice. He ran.

***

Henry apologized later that night, when he finally confronted Kibum again. Kibum had said it was all right and that it was understandable, but that unreadable expression spread across his face and Henry didn't know what it meant.

But that was the least of Henry's worries. Because he and Kibum had definitely come too close for comfort, way too close for comfort. In all his years of living, he had never been so close to someone so much that he had noticed absolutely everything and was no longer aware of his own breathing, but of the other's; no longer felt his own heartbeat, but the other's; no longer looked with his own eyes, but through the other's.

And he was scared. He was definitely scared. Because he had no idea what it meant, and why Kibum hadn't moved first, and why, why did it seem like they were so close to kissing when it was the last thing that Henry wanted? Well of course, actually, it was the only thing he really wanted-but he knew Kibum would never go for him, because first of all, he was Kibum, and second of all, because he was Kibum. And if they kissed, it would only end in shit, and Henry really, really didn't want to end in shit.

That night they went to sleep early and barely talked to each other, probably because of that afternoon's events. They didn't even touch each other at all, and even though their sleeping bags were side-by-side on the family room floor, not even the edges grazed each other. It was different, weird, and overall, made Henry feel completely miserable. He hated this awkwardness that had suddenly come between him and Kibum. He hated how they were perfectly fine, up until that moment when Kibum had stopped and Henry had been stupid enough to stay there, so close behind him, so close that he ended up punching him and that changed everything.

When he woke up, he felt like he had barely gotten any sleep at all. Of course, as usual, he woke up before Kibum and did his business in the bathroom. Afterward, he came back into the family room to see Kibum rubbing his eyes, evidently just as tired as he was. Henry wondered if Kibum had stayed up all night pondering over their relationship, too.

They barely touched, pointedly went out of their way to avoid brushing against each other, and Kibum had even handed Henry his spoon with the tip facing backwards so Henry could hold onto the handle. So Kibum had noticed their discomfort as well. And he didn't like it any more than Henry did.

The car ride to the airport was more silent than usual, though neither of Henry's parents, nor Clinton or Whitney commented on the quietness of the two boys in the back. And when they dropped Kibum off at the security station, Henry hesitated as he saw him off.

"I..." He reached up, perhaps preparing for a hug, but then brought his hand back down. "Stay safe," he said to Kibum, keeping a good arm's length away from him.

Kibum nodded, just as resolutely. "You too," he said. "IM me over MSN, and stuff. And emails, if you don't have a time."

"Yeah." Henry let out a forced chuckle. "Say hi to Eunhee for me and all that, all right?"

"All right." Kibum exhaled slowly. "Well... bye then."

"Good-bye, Kibum," said Henry.

Kibum nodded, and then grabbed his bags and started walking through the security gates. Henry watched him one last time, before turning around to go home.

***

Henry/Mochi (if you still want me to call you that, haha),

I'm back in Korea. Well I've been back for a few weeks now-school starts soon. How are you?

Kibum

***

Hey Kibum!

I'm pretty good. We haven't talked on MSN for a while, have we? Will you be on Friday night? (And by that I mean in the morning in your time; I assume you will since it's the weekend?)

I'm all right. :) Just enjoying the last few days of summer, and stuff. Doing summer work, you know. :P

Still missing you, as always,
Henry

***

Henry,

I can't get on MSN tonight. My dad wants me to help him out with cleaning up our apartment, and then we have to go into town for shopping. Sorry. Some other time though? Hopefully we'll catch each other sometime.

College applications are this year, aren't they? You still applying to Berklee?

Missing you too,
Kibum

***

Henry,

Sorry about that, last night. I didn't mean to leave five minutes into our instant messaging chat. Saehee came in asking me about something, and then I had to leave to eat dinner and do homework and I completely forgot. Hope you'll forgive me.

Kibum

***

Happy birthday, Henry! Just letting you know I didn't forget. =) How are things in the States?

Kibum

***

Hey Kibum! Wow, that was unexpected. Thanks :D

All right, if I do say so myself. All the teachers are on our backs to make us not slack off this year, since it's senior year (even though I'm only fifteen-I think a lot of the teachers forget that XD) and colleges want the half year report. I'm already applying to colleges-almost done with my Berklee one, and I think I might go for a few arts and music schools in New York and Pennsylvania. How about you? How do the college things work in Korea?

Henry

***

Henry,

It's no problem. After all, you did wish me happy birthday over MSN a few months ago, so I had to do the same, didn't I?

Sounds good! Technically, I should stay in high school in South Korea for a couple of more years, since that's when you're supposed to graduate-but since I want to go to college in the States, I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork and take the crazy Korean exam, and then have it transferred to the American universities. I've already applied to a few places, though, so hopefully it'll all turn out okay.

Kibum

***

Henry,

Happy Halloween! That is, if it's still Halloween in your time, haha.

Kibum

***

Henry,

Happy Thanksgiving! Also, think you could catch me on MSN tonight? And by tonight, I mean for you-I'll be free all day.

Let me know. Or maybe I'll just wait for you.

Kibum

***

Kibum!

Sorry I didn't catch you on MSN last night :( Just got your email this morning, and I feel terrible. *sighs* It really feels like we haven't talked to each other in forever, doesn't it? I guess we just keep missing each other.

Will you be coming up for winter break this year?

Henry

***

Henry,

Of course I will! What makes you think I won't?

And that's all right. We'll take our chances. I mean, it's not like we're avoiding each other or anything.

Kibum

***

Kibum,

Right, of course not, haha XD And okay! I'll be looking forward to you coming over.

Henry

***

Henry,

I'll be there in a week, in case we don't get to talk beforehand and you didn't know already. Merry Christmas in advance.

Kibum

***

Kibum,

Merry Christmas in advance to you too! Though you probably won't read your email until after you get back. But just so you know that I wished you a Merry Christmas. ^^

Henry

***

Henry,

Thanks.

Kibum

***

Henry wasn't sure what to expect this winter break. After all, the last time he and Kibum had seen each other, they hadn't left on the best of terms. True, it wasn't like they hated each other, since they did send the occasional email and instant message. But even those had become even less frequent. And even though Kibum had said that it wasn't like they were avoiding each other, Henry felt like that that was exactly what they were doing.

Still, he was as excited as ever to have his best friend back. Cyberspace just wasn't the same as physical interaction. And even if the physical interaction made them both jumpy and more uncomfortable than normal, it was still there, right? And that was all that mattered, really.

So when Kibum rang the doorbell, Henry greeted him with a beatific smile on his face. And when Kibum said hello, Henry hugged him, as usual. The hug was stiff, and Kibum barely hugged back; neither of them acknowledged it, and Henry helped Kibum move his stuff in.

They exchanged their usual banter, though it seemed a bit more polite and a lot less loose. Henry was sure that his parents, his brother, and even his sister had sent them strange looks all day, but he didn't care-it didn't matter to them, what happened between him and Kibum, anyways. They were the best friends, and his family wasn't involved. Let them think what they think. It didn't matter to Henry, anyways.

(Henry did wonder what they were thinking though, and he wondered what Kibum thought about all of this. If Kibum noticed the slight tension that had fallen between them for several months now. If Kibum detected the friction that sizzled every time their hands touched, or their eyes met.)

They gave each other their Christmas presents-Henry had gotten Kibum a pair of headphones and an iPod case for the iPod he had gotten him ages ago; and Kibum got Henry the usual pack of Korean candies (the wrappers and bags of which Henry still collected), as well as little plush toys that Henry put on his dresser. Henry noticed that Kibum's eyes strayed to the stuffed hamsters that were still lying on his bed, the stuffed hamster that Henry slept with every night-Henry quickly ushered him out of the room and said that they should eat lunch.

The afternoon was probably the strangest afternoon Henry had ever spent with Kibum. After lunch, they retreated back to Henry's room where they played video games without a word-which was strange, because they'd always taunt and tease each other into submission. And then when they ate dinner, they would let the other speak first without trying to interrupt or shout over the other, and apologized too quickly and too much.

Henry had no idea what was going on between him and Kibum. And he didn't like it at all. It was weird, to be with your best friend and have no idea what to talk about, have no idea what to feel, and most of all, have feelings for him and forget how to act like the way it used to be, the way that it should be.

***

Kibum's breathing was shallow, but Henry wasn't fooled: Kibum never breathed deeply anyways. It just wasn't his style. He was still awake, and Henry knew it.

The two boys stared at the two glass windows on the ceiling, moonlight spilling into the room. It was silent.

Henry thought about the winter before. When they had snuck outside and ate a winter picnic, when he had fallen into the snow and they got caught. He smiled a little bit. It was a nice memory. They were both stupid, but they were both happy.

He thought about the summer. When he had seen Kibum for the first time, had actually seen him. As more than a friend or a best friend. As something else he didn't want to think about, but couldn't seem to get out of his mind. He thought about the way their skin would brush and burned. When he lay on top of Kibum when they were in the water park, and the water felt like fire. When Kibum hugged him so close that their bodies aligned with each other. When Kibum was barely millimeters away from his face, and Henry had punched him and gave him a bloody nose.

His stomach jumped.

"Henry," Kibum whispered into the dark.

Henry continued staring at the ceiling.

"Yeah?"

"Did you... Did you get into college?"

"Oh. Right." Henry nearly hit himself in the face. How could he have forgotten to tell Kibum? "Yeah, I applied early in October to Berklee. Letters came a few weeks ago. I got in."

He heard Kibum exhale deeply. "Good. Congratulations."

Henry tilted his head a little.

"How about you?"

Kibum shrugged. "I'm moving back," he said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Just because of me?" Henry couldn't help teasing.

Kibum scoffed, though there definitely was a light tone to it. "Don't get to full of yourself," he said. "I did tell you I wanted to go to college here, anyways."

"Yeah," said Henry. "But you are sort of moving back for me, even just a little, am I right?"

He glanced to Kibum again to see that Kibum's cheeks had turned an odd shade of pink. He didn't respond though. Henry looked up to the ceiling, feeling inexplicably happy. He knew that was a sign of yes, even if Kibum hadn't said anything.

"So," he said. "What college did you apply to, then?"

Kibum exhaled again.

"Berklee."

Henry blinked.

"Berklee? Like, the one that I applied to?"

He heard Kibum's head shift on his pillow. "Yeah."

"Any place else?"

"No. I didn't want to waste money."

Stunned, Henry turned a little so that he could see the profile of Kibum's face. "But..." He bit his lip. "But what if you didn't get in? Then where will you go? Did you even apply to a college in Korea? Will you stay here?"

Kibum chuckled. "No, I didn't apply to a college in Korea."

"But-" Henry frowned at the sky through the windows. "But what if you didn't get in?" he repeated.

Kibum exhaled for a third time.

"I got my acceptance letter a few weeks ago."

Acceptance letter... acceptance letter... The wheels worked in Henry's brain, as he finally made sense of these words. Kibum's acceptance letter came in a few weeks ago. Kibum's acceptance letter came in a few weeks ago. Kibum's acceptance letter for Berklee College of Music, the college that Henry had been talking about for about a year now, had come in a few weeks ago.

Kibum's acceptance letter came in for a few weeks ago!

Henry quickly sat up in his sleeping bag to look at Kibum properly. "Are you really-" he started.

But then several things happened.

Henry's sleeping bag had come up along with his back, causing him to slide up even further than he had intended to. What's more, Kibum had noticed this and had moved over to help him, just so that he wouldn't fall and nastily crack his head open against the coffee table behind them. This caused Henry to tumble face forward and suddenly his entire sleeping bag went along with him, and then Kibum rolled over as well from trying to protect him, and then they laid in a pile to the side, Kibum on top of Henry, and their noses bumped into each other and they both mumbled apologies and tried to make the situation less awkward and then their cheeks brushed and their mouths moved a little and they were-

-and they were kissing.

The initial shock had Henry frozen in place for a couple of seconds, but when it seemed like Kibum wouldn't be moving any time soon, Henry closed his eyes and pressed his lips up against Kibum's, harder. To his great, supreme, utter surprise, Kibum let out something that sounded like a moan into his mouth and adjusted his body so that he was in a much comfortable position on top of him, and kissed him back as well. Their lips worked against one another and Kibum sucked his bottom lip in and his wonderful, wonderful hands were running up and down Henry's sides and his right leg was in between Henry's, but not too awkwardly or too sensually, but just perfect, the way it should be. And Henry was kissing more than ever and sure it was awkward and sure it was his first kiss but he certainly hadn't expected it to be like this, with Kibum, with his best friend. He had imagined his first kiss to be all sorts of things-awkward, foolish, clumsy, completely and utterly embarrassing-and while this definitely wasn't a perfect kiss, because Henry's hands were clammy and he was probably shaking from underneath Kibum, and Kibum sort of smelled like sweat and oil (and it was delicious)-this was definitely the most amazing thing that Henry had ever experienced in his mere fifteen years of living so far.

They broke apart and gasped for air.

"I-I'm gay," Henry stammered, looking up at Kibum's pink flushed face highlighted by the moonlight.

Kibum chuckled, and glowed even more. "Well it's a little late for saying that, isn't it?"

Henry rolled his eyes and grabbed Kibum's collar, and pushed him down on him again. Their mouths parted and Henry could feel every inch of Kibum, could taste every bit of what he tasted like at night. He was warm and nice and smelled not like vanilla or chocolate or any other sweet scent that Henry always liked-but he smelled like Kibum, and Henry concluded that it was the best smell in the world.

When they parted again, Kibum beamed at him. "I like you," he said simply.

Henry laughed, and bubbles filled up his stomach, all the way to his heart. "Who's late in saying stuff now?" he teased, and Kibum ducked his head down to kiss him once more.

They fell asleep after much needed kissing and unneeded talking, because Henry knew that that would come in the morning. But right now, he had Kibum, and he'd have Kibum after high school and into college. And after that-well, who knew? The only thing important was that they were here, right now, and they were together. And that, Henry thought just before he drifted off to sleep, was enough.

***

Henry woke up to the sound of his father yelping in the kitchen. He groggily lifted his head up-and realized that he had been sleeping with his head in the crook of Kibum's neck, his arm slung around Kibum's torso, and they had been in this position from night to morning.

He was about to leap off and claim that they hadn't done anything, but the damage was done. When he looked back up to his dad, his dad looked as astonished as anything.

Kibum must have noticed the absence of his warmth, because then he opened his eyes and said in a tired voice, "Wazzat?"

Henry continued gawking at his dad, who was gawking right back.

But then something extraordinary happened:

His dad laughed. Laughed.

"Honey!" he called upstairs. "Whitney, Clinton! Come down!"

"What is it, Dad?" said Whitney's voice from above, as Henry continued staring at his dad, completely bemused. He could hear Whitney running down the stairs, down the hall, and into the kitchen-and once she saw Henry and Kibum's intimate position, a wide smile spread across her face.

"EEEE!" she shrieked, and then ran right back up the stairs.

Henry glanced at Kibum, who was looking just as confused as he was. Apparently Henry wasn't the only one who had no idea what was going on.

"Clint! Clint! Mom, you've got to see this-oh my god, I can't believe it!"

"What, dear?" said his mom's voice, and then Whitney cried, "Come downstairs and have a look!" They both went down the stairs, Whitney dragging her mother by the hand, and walked into the kitchen.

"Look!" she said, pointing at Kibum and Henry in the family room.

Kibum and Henry blinked at them.

"Oh, dear!" Henry's mom beamed. "I can't-oh my god, I can't believe it! Clinton! Come on!"

A third pair of footsteps clambered down the stairs, and then Clinton came into the kitchen, rubbing his unruly hair and looking at all of them through his half-open eyes. "What is it? Geez, Whitney, you sure brew up a-storm."

He stared at Kibum and Henry. Kibum and Henry stared back at him.

And then Clinton grinned.

"Finally," he said. He walked into the family room and clapped Henry on the back. "Good job, little bro. It took you guys long enough."

"I feel like I'm missing something," Kibum said suddenly as Clinton retreated back into the kitchen.

"Nice to know that I'm not alone," Henry murmured.

"Oh, boys," said his mom. Whitney squealed again.

"It really did take you guys long enough," his dad said, and Clinton nodded vigorously.

"Whatever." Henry rolled his eyes.

He absently grabbed for Kibum's hand, as if it was natural instinct. Which it was, but this time, it meant something totally different. And they both knew it.

Henry looked at Kibum and smiled. Kibum smiled right back. His smile had never been any brighter.

FIN.