6-27-2005 & i still feel this way

[prettypinkpunk]

have you ever felt like you were being suffocated by someone/something? it's one of those things that never gets better. and it's hard to pinpoint when it all started and where it all ends. i woke up yesterday and my conscience had called in sick. i'm not longer throwing self pity partys for myself and wondering why i always feel this way. i think i've learned enough in my life to know when something has got to give. at this point in my life right now, added drama and stress only fuels my hatred for life. and who wants to hate their life!? i don't. sever all ties with whatever causes you pain. it's a good motto to live by, don't you think? i should start looking out for myself, it seems to be the trend for everyone else. honesty is out for 2005 i hope everyone got the memo. being sly and sneaky is the new craze. now go nuts kids! another question, has anyone ever tried to flaunt something/someone in front of you deliberatly to make you jealous or angry? i'm gonna go with a yes on this one. why is it that the male species thinks this is a useful tool to use against girls they "love" to receive more attention. do they want us to catfight or something? i don't feed off immaturity so choose another game. another very good question that im not sure i have the correct answer too.. why is it that a man thinks that buying his way out of awkward situations and wrongful doings is accepted by us gals? hmmm i wonder why. money means nothing to me. you cannot i repeat cannot buy love. all the dinners in the world can't forgive the things some men do. sometimes when i get angry and jealous its honestly not because i care what different slut you're with every other day, it's the simple fact that for some reason in your bastard bionic brain you assume that i either A: won't notice and let it slide, B: that i will notice and bring it up and then u can pry out of me that fact that i care about you, or C: that you really have no common courtesy to be honest about who you're with. everything is a sneaky lie. i think that men are raised like this from day one. you see when you're 16-17 years old and you're a girl you absolutely cannot have boys sleep over your house in your bed and so forth, some are even lucky if they can close their bedroom door all the way. but men, men are raised to do whatever they want. they can have a girl stay over. and then a different girl the next night without ever getting questioned. fathers almost encourage this and give them a pat of the fucking back like," good job son, you're gonna be a hell of a man!" i mean really what is that all about. this leaves us poor women to deal with these useless men who believe from day one that can get away with murder. well long story short i no longer want YOU to think im a fucking coat rack. i hold my own shit. i always have. i never needed anyone to do things for me or pretend to be completely interested in me. i'm young and there are many more relationships to be had before i meet mr. right. and who knows if i ever will? as long as i can have endless nights with amazing friends, i will be happy. i mean theres always the lack of having that special someone in your heart but what are ya gonna do? ever notice the more you look to meet someone new the harder it is to find them? uhg, how shitty is that. regardless back to my rant, i've learned that it is way easier to make a clean break then to sit and talk in circles about the same things. nothing ever changes, nothing ever will. what i hate is when someone aggrees to change their ways and then doesn't, another lie down in the book. i'm keeping tabs, and i've run out of ink. times up, games over. last words before i go, sometime in your life - open your eyes. make sure you know the company you keep around you. and where it leaves you in the end. make sure its all worth it. make sure the people around you make your life worhtwhile. if you can't say that about the people you surround yourself with, then it's your own fault, blame noone else. you make the choices, i think it's time to understand that in life there are consequences. i know for me, i won't live in regret forever. i'm better than that <3

as a PS. to all males: if for whatever reason a former relationship just does not work out time after time, do us all a favor and don't go out and try to find "another girlfriend" okay? figure yourself out before you go and try to ruin someone else.

thanks.

it's sometimes like it never started and it's sometimes like it will never end.