Goodbye Love.
He cheated.
He lied.
He dodged.
And on tuesday, Feb 8th, I said goodbye to Craig.
It ripped me into mother fucking pieces. I'm still torn up. But what could I do? Ignore it, and keep going with him? No. FUCK NO. I guess I COULD have, but what kind of fucking pansey and doormat would that have made me??? I would have been stupid as hell to stay with him, yet now, I wish more than ever I could just... go back in time and fix it, or something. It wasn't my fault, as far as everyone else says, and I know it wasn't. If he didn't want me, he should have fucking told me, and I would have been like "At least you were honest and you told me staight up instead of not telling me and going behind my back more!!" and I wouldn't have been so pissed with him. And lemme tell you... I was PISSED. I was fucking shaking and laughing my fucking ass off cus I was like hysterical with anger. I couldn't sit still, so I decided to make use of my edgyness and figdetyness. So I took out everything he's gotten me since we first went out in ... October of 04? Yeah, and I destroyed it all. It was very... nice. It made me feel good. Then... I took out my diary (my spiral one), got a pen, and went to work destroying and marking up entries with Craig in it. And there were a BUNCH. As in, there were over 20 with at least mentions of him in it, meaning that the parts he was in got scratched the fuck out. You can just barely read what they said (I didn't wanna completely destroy them cus I wanted to be able to look back on them or w/e when I get older so I can see what a fucking dumb-ass I was) but other than that, they're fucked up. Mwuha. Love you too Craig. Love you too.
I guess, since you prolly don't, and I know you don't, know what the hell is going on, I'll fill you guys in on the inside scoop. Ok, on.... Sunday, the 6th, or should I say Super Bowl day (Go Patriots!! lol), the family friend (Laura) who's house I go down to sometimes on the weekends and where I met Craig, came to the SB party my mom threw, and when she got there, she pulled me off into a room and told me what she'd seen... Craig had been at the movie theature with some bitch, who's name I won't mention, but who we'll call Kathy, and they'd had they're arms around each other and were all leaning on each other, just like a couple... but at the time, me and him were still going out. Hmm. "Kathy" had been an issue before. She called/calls him ALOT, and I'd asked him twice before who she was and what the deal was between them, and he was always really vague, and he'd go "She's just a friend of mine.", and I would buy it and drop the subject. Why shouldn't I have? I had no leads to go on, so I couldn't accuse him of ne thing since I didn't really have ne reason to other than the fact that she called alot. I couldn't really say much about that though without being a hypacrit or however you spell it, cus me and my best friend, who's a guy and a double x of mine, talk ALOT, and about everything, so... yeah. I couldn't really go "she's a girl, you're a guy, and you guys talk alot and I'm suspicious, blah blah blah-" cus then he could go "Well you and your guy friend talk alot too!" and the convo would end. You know? Well... ne ways. After Laura told me that on SB day, I was just kinda... not surprised. It was like I'd known it all along or something. I think it's because I had been paranoid about it. After I found out, I decided I needed more info about it before I just broke up with him, so I asked a girl("Mary"), Laura's niece, who is also a good friend of Craig's and is also freakin' obsessed with him, and she told me that the bitch Kathy hangs all over him at school too, and he doesn't do a damn thing about it. Mary also told me that her friend Ashley, who also goes to their school, saw Craig and Kathy making out in the hallway, while me and him were going out(I think while we were going out). That pissed me off soooooo fucking bad, so I was like "Ok, that's it, we're done!!!!!!" and ... I found out that info on Monday the 7th. Well, Laura told me that when I broke up with him, I needed to be cold and emotionless, and just be like "You dissapointed me. You lied and cheated on me. I deserve better than that, and I deserve better than you. We're finished." You know? She said not to show that I was angry or sad, just to be impassive about it, and act like I wasn't even really upset as in sad or hurt, but just to act like I was dissapointed and shit, cus then he'd be all like "Whoa, wtf, she isn't upset? Why isn't she upset? What the hell" and be all thrown off and off balance. that was the plan. but being me, I fucked up "the plan", and I kinda went off into my own thing after the start up of the convo. He called me on the 8th around 9:45 pm, and this is about how the convo went...:
Craig- "Hey gorgeous"
me- "Hey."
C- "What're you doing?"
m- "Waiting for you to call."
C- "Really?"
m- "Yeah, cus I need to talk to you about something."
C- ".... *like 15 second silence* Anything specific?"
m- "Yeah, a few specifics."
C- "What?"
m- "Me and you need to break up."
C- "...*full minute of silence*... What?...Why?"
m- "Because I don't need or want a guy who cheats on me and lies. I deserve, and I am, better than that. I'm disappointed in you. I don't think I can even trust you anymore, and I don't know what the fuck has been going on in your life w/ this girl."
C- "Ok then. Since it doesn't seem like I'm gunna be able to change your mind, I guess I won't try. I'm just gunna tell you that this was a big misunderstanding. I know you don't wanna hear my side of the story anyways."
Then this, boys and girls, is where I fucked up. Not screwed up- FUCKED up. With a capital "F", "U", "C", and "K". Uhhg. I took his bait. I was always really, really damn good at doing that. He casts the line out, I take a big fucking bite, and he just... reels me in. Damn he's good. Haha. Well, I was all like "You know what, I wanna hear your story. In-fucking-lighten me. Go on." cus I was thinking to myself "Yeah, I bet his excuse will be funny and pathetic as hell", but I shouldn't have listened to it!!!!! It was like he hypnotised me and made me believe him. He just has that alluring voice. Damn him. Ne ways, he was all like this:
C- "Everyone just thinks me and "Kathy" are going out."
m- " *I cut him off* Maybe because of the image you guys put on in front of everyone??????!"
C- "She goes around telling everyone we're going out, and I tell her to stop and to leave me alone, but she won't!"
Blah blah blah, then he says he'll call her on 3way, with me listening in but not saying anything, and tell her to fuck off, if that's what it will take for me to believe him, and I'm all like "No, that's not gunna change a god-damn thing, cus that's now, and this shit you've done with her is already done and over. you can't change it." And then I started to break down and beieve him when he told me he was sorry, and that there'd always only been one girl and it was me, blah blah blah, and then we kinda started talking about our lives, and he'd gotten a job and was getting a car the next day on his b-day(9th) and all this stuff, then we got bk on the original topic, and it ended pretty bad, and I was like chocking back tears cus I didn't want him to know how upset I was, and we hung up on pretty sad terms, him saying "I'm sorry it had to end like this." and he'd been all like "I don't want to break up with you." but it's done.
Moving on, I was down at Laura's house, where I'd met Craig in the first place, and where lots of other friends that are my age and guys hang out, and guess what? I ran into Craig twice. Oh, goodie. I love it when that shit happens. But you know what was funny?? He completely avoided me. COMPLETELY. It was... awesome. But at the same time... it was horrible. Uhhhg, stupid me... UHHHG!!! I can't make up my fucking mind about him. Do I hate him or do I still wanna be around him, even though he cheated on me and all that shit? What The FUCK is WRONG with me? I should hate him, but I can't. I think I loved/love him. It's awful.
Anyways, I g2g, mom's telling me to get off. Maybe I'll finish this shit later. Happy Single-Awareness Day everyone. Haha.
•LoVe Me NoT•
He lied.
He dodged.
And on tuesday, Feb 8th, I said goodbye to Craig.
It ripped me into mother fucking pieces. I'm still torn up. But what could I do? Ignore it, and keep going with him? No. FUCK NO. I guess I COULD have, but what kind of fucking pansey and doormat would that have made me??? I would have been stupid as hell to stay with him, yet now, I wish more than ever I could just... go back in time and fix it, or something. It wasn't my fault, as far as everyone else says, and I know it wasn't. If he didn't want me, he should have fucking told me, and I would have been like "At least you were honest and you told me staight up instead of not telling me and going behind my back more!!" and I wouldn't have been so pissed with him. And lemme tell you... I was PISSED. I was fucking shaking and laughing my fucking ass off cus I was like hysterical with anger. I couldn't sit still, so I decided to make use of my edgyness and figdetyness. So I took out everything he's gotten me since we first went out in ... October of 04? Yeah, and I destroyed it all. It was very... nice. It made me feel good. Then... I took out my diary (my spiral one), got a pen, and went to work destroying and marking up entries with Craig in it. And there were a BUNCH. As in, there were over 20 with at least mentions of him in it, meaning that the parts he was in got scratched the fuck out. You can just barely read what they said (I didn't wanna completely destroy them cus I wanted to be able to look back on them or w/e when I get older so I can see what a fucking dumb-ass I was) but other than that, they're fucked up. Mwuha. Love you too Craig. Love you too.
I guess, since you prolly don't, and I know you don't, know what the hell is going on, I'll fill you guys in on the inside scoop. Ok, on.... Sunday, the 6th, or should I say Super Bowl day (Go Patriots!! lol), the family friend (Laura) who's house I go down to sometimes on the weekends and where I met Craig, came to the SB party my mom threw, and when she got there, she pulled me off into a room and told me what she'd seen... Craig had been at the movie theature with some bitch, who's name I won't mention, but who we'll call Kathy, and they'd had they're arms around each other and were all leaning on each other, just like a couple... but at the time, me and him were still going out. Hmm. "Kathy" had been an issue before. She called/calls him ALOT, and I'd asked him twice before who she was and what the deal was between them, and he was always really vague, and he'd go "She's just a friend of mine.", and I would buy it and drop the subject. Why shouldn't I have? I had no leads to go on, so I couldn't accuse him of ne thing since I didn't really have ne reason to other than the fact that she called alot. I couldn't really say much about that though without being a hypacrit or however you spell it, cus me and my best friend, who's a guy and a double x of mine, talk ALOT, and about everything, so... yeah. I couldn't really go "she's a girl, you're a guy, and you guys talk alot and I'm suspicious, blah blah blah-" cus then he could go "Well you and your guy friend talk alot too!" and the convo would end. You know? Well... ne ways. After Laura told me that on SB day, I was just kinda... not surprised. It was like I'd known it all along or something. I think it's because I had been paranoid about it. After I found out, I decided I needed more info about it before I just broke up with him, so I asked a girl("Mary"), Laura's niece, who is also a good friend of Craig's and is also freakin' obsessed with him, and she told me that the bitch Kathy hangs all over him at school too, and he doesn't do a damn thing about it. Mary also told me that her friend Ashley, who also goes to their school, saw Craig and Kathy making out in the hallway, while me and him were going out(I think while we were going out). That pissed me off soooooo fucking bad, so I was like "Ok, that's it, we're done!!!!!!" and ... I found out that info on Monday the 7th. Well, Laura told me that when I broke up with him, I needed to be cold and emotionless, and just be like "You dissapointed me. You lied and cheated on me. I deserve better than that, and I deserve better than you. We're finished." You know? She said not to show that I was angry or sad, just to be impassive about it, and act like I wasn't even really upset as in sad or hurt, but just to act like I was dissapointed and shit, cus then he'd be all like "Whoa, wtf, she isn't upset? Why isn't she upset? What the hell" and be all thrown off and off balance. that was the plan. but being me, I fucked up "the plan", and I kinda went off into my own thing after the start up of the convo. He called me on the 8th around 9:45 pm, and this is about how the convo went...:
Craig- "Hey gorgeous"
me- "Hey."
C- "What're you doing?"
m- "Waiting for you to call."
C- "Really?"
m- "Yeah, cus I need to talk to you about something."
C- ".... *like 15 second silence* Anything specific?"
m- "Yeah, a few specifics."
C- "What?"
m- "Me and you need to break up."
C- "...*full minute of silence*... What?...Why?"
m- "Because I don't need or want a guy who cheats on me and lies. I deserve, and I am, better than that. I'm disappointed in you. I don't think I can even trust you anymore, and I don't know what the fuck has been going on in your life w/ this girl."
C- "Ok then. Since it doesn't seem like I'm gunna be able to change your mind, I guess I won't try. I'm just gunna tell you that this was a big misunderstanding. I know you don't wanna hear my side of the story anyways."
Then this, boys and girls, is where I fucked up. Not screwed up- FUCKED up. With a capital "F", "U", "C", and "K". Uhhg. I took his bait. I was always really, really damn good at doing that. He casts the line out, I take a big fucking bite, and he just... reels me in. Damn he's good. Haha. Well, I was all like "You know what, I wanna hear your story. In-fucking-lighten me. Go on." cus I was thinking to myself "Yeah, I bet his excuse will be funny and pathetic as hell", but I shouldn't have listened to it!!!!! It was like he hypnotised me and made me believe him. He just has that alluring voice. Damn him. Ne ways, he was all like this:
C- "Everyone just thinks me and "Kathy" are going out."
m- " *I cut him off* Maybe because of the image you guys put on in front of everyone??????!"
C- "She goes around telling everyone we're going out, and I tell her to stop and to leave me alone, but she won't!"
Blah blah blah, then he says he'll call her on 3way, with me listening in but not saying anything, and tell her to fuck off, if that's what it will take for me to believe him, and I'm all like "No, that's not gunna change a god-damn thing, cus that's now, and this shit you've done with her is already done and over. you can't change it." And then I started to break down and beieve him when he told me he was sorry, and that there'd always only been one girl and it was me, blah blah blah, and then we kinda started talking about our lives, and he'd gotten a job and was getting a car the next day on his b-day(9th) and all this stuff, then we got bk on the original topic, and it ended pretty bad, and I was like chocking back tears cus I didn't want him to know how upset I was, and we hung up on pretty sad terms, him saying "I'm sorry it had to end like this." and he'd been all like "I don't want to break up with you." but it's done.
Moving on, I was down at Laura's house, where I'd met Craig in the first place, and where lots of other friends that are my age and guys hang out, and guess what? I ran into Craig twice. Oh, goodie. I love it when that shit happens. But you know what was funny?? He completely avoided me. COMPLETELY. It was... awesome. But at the same time... it was horrible. Uhhhg, stupid me... UHHHG!!! I can't make up my fucking mind about him. Do I hate him or do I still wanna be around him, even though he cheated on me and all that shit? What The FUCK is WRONG with me? I should hate him, but I can't. I think I loved/love him. It's awful.
Anyways, I g2g, mom's telling me to get off. Maybe I'll finish this shit later. Happy Single-Awareness Day everyone. Haha.
•LoVe Me NoT•