Dear Universe
I gotta say that while I don't entirely comprehend your reasoning lately, I'm really digging all of the mixed-message mindfucks you're throwing at me. Not sarcastically. I really do enjoy it. Like the kindacuteguy today at Humber Bay who came over after seeing me grind green, said "biking is good. you lose your weight! that's good!", and then stayed, shared the joint, and proceeded to ask for my phone number?! What was THAT all about, huh? I was like "OK... universe was kind enough to let me know right away that this is not a person I'd want to date or befriend" but then... I also felt like this was a test, and I'm sad to say I think I failed. After pondering his comment, I responded with a determined yet dull "Um, well, I love my body the way it is, actually, so that's not really my goal..." And proceeded to share my weed with him. I feel like he was well-intentioned, as many folks are, so perhaps it wasn't a failure at all, so much as an exercise in forgiveness and understanding. At least I set his fat-body-loving-self straight, didn't give up my digits, compared stamina stories and realized I was significantly more fit than he (HA!), and rolled away proudly.
Other triumphs this week: A role play, which I was anticipating to be tedious and repetitive, really came to life. It was thoroughly enjoyable. If I could transfer that sense of being in the now to acting class, or to a film set, I could be an actor.
I changed a flat on my back tire. My last attempt was unsuccessful. I'm quite proud of myself!
OH! And after I got rid of rude guy today (see above) I did something fun. I drew picture of myself in the middle of a page. I drew circles all around me, and inside each circle drew a representation of my fears:
Being homeless
People laughing/gossiping behind my back
Friends turning their backs on me
Broken heart
Losing my savings
Losing my beauty and mobility
Losing freedom of mind, body, heart
I wrote "the fears of (my name). (date). Set adrift in Lake Ontario. Bye! XOX"
And "If found, please destroy your fears."
I folded it into a triangle, which ended up resembling a paper boat, I climbed some rocks, got close enough to the lake, and threw my fears triangle-boat in. I watched them float for a while, and told them to go. I sealed the deal with a trip to Sunnyside pool (my first time) and a difficult ride home up Ellis Park rd.
I'm exhausted. And I just felt a strong vibration under my chair. I'm kind of freaked out. It was too short to be an earthquake, so what the fuck?
Other triumphs this week: A role play, which I was anticipating to be tedious and repetitive, really came to life. It was thoroughly enjoyable. If I could transfer that sense of being in the now to acting class, or to a film set, I could be an actor.
I changed a flat on my back tire. My last attempt was unsuccessful. I'm quite proud of myself!
OH! And after I got rid of rude guy today (see above) I did something fun. I drew picture of myself in the middle of a page. I drew circles all around me, and inside each circle drew a representation of my fears:
Being homeless
People laughing/gossiping behind my back
Friends turning their backs on me
Broken heart
Losing my savings
Losing my beauty and mobility
Losing freedom of mind, body, heart
I wrote "the fears of (my name). (date). Set adrift in Lake Ontario. Bye! XOX"
And "If found, please destroy your fears."
I folded it into a triangle, which ended up resembling a paper boat, I climbed some rocks, got close enough to the lake, and threw my fears triangle-boat in. I watched them float for a while, and told them to go. I sealed the deal with a trip to Sunnyside pool (my first time) and a difficult ride home up Ellis Park rd.
I'm exhausted. And I just felt a strong vibration under my chair. I'm kind of freaked out. It was too short to be an earthquake, so what the fuck?