thought bubble #1
So.. here's the thing. It feels sometimes as though I am in an existential crisis. Heart and mind collide kind of thing. Even stoned, right now, I've known for so fucking long that I need to stop smoking weed. It keeps me from doing so many things, out of fear and paranoia. But it's like... well, it's an addiction. And while I still function, exercise, socialize, take classes, etc., I'm not out there, stirring things up, the way I know I could. The way I want to be. I want to do porn, and I want to make porn. I want to be engaging more white folks in discussions of racism, and men in discussions of sexism, beyond my immediate social circle. Perhaps this is a learning cycle, as I've been fortunate enough lately to meet some very committed anti-oppressive folks. And all of this reminds me that I go through these cycles, where one day something I've been toying with learning becomes so abundantly clear that my attitude and views about so many things change dramatically. I feel like I'm evolving, though I still care that other people think I'm just fickle.
A friend of a friend recently told me that I'm so confident, and that it's inspiring. She said that I seem very comfortable in my sexuality and she wishes she were more like me. The truth is, I've learned a lot about what I like and want sexually, and I learned how to ask for it, but I also sometimes miss the days when I had lower standards. I miss the attention being hyper-available brought me. I learned how to reject, say no, stop things that didn't feel good to me. I learned how to negotiate, and how to slow the pace, and how to never leave a personal sexual experience feeling unsatisfied, sexually. Emotionally is one I haven't grasped. And just because I know how to do these things doesn't mean I always do them. It all comes down to self-love, I think. How much care and effort do I put into my mind, hobbies, body, sex, friends, food, energy... the things that make my life special to me? The answer: substantial. And most of the time, I feel blessed. But I also feel the dark wave of reality about to pull me under, and I'm craving a change in the cycle.
I've been here before, so many times. And each time, I think I know everything. And each time, I look back and think wow... I was so naive and blind. I have the knowledge, and I have most of the tools, but what I lack is focus and motivation. I am lazy. This is what lazy looks like. I'm also afraid, and many times insecure in my looks, ability, sexuality, desirability, intelligence and just me in general. I am also proud for allowing myself to be human, to hurt (inside) and heal, to be accountable, and humble, and sometimes I grasp those magical moments, and they are everything my imagination (as stimulated by Paolo Coehlo) wants them to be. Smooth, effortless, scary, exciting, simple.
Lately, I'm just OK. Easy to push either way. Trying to live my life without the succumbing to the darkness of "alone-forever" paranoia. I'm lingering near making peace with a single life. Making my life, in its current incarnation, maximally enjoyable will help me in this pursuit. And I am working on it.
On another note, when I went to google the name of the singer playing on my player, Nicole Kea, I found several other versions of this song. All lovely and different, and I suspect there are more, but I have stuff to do! Apparently I am not the only one who loves this song. The first is my favorite, though!
Enjoy!
Nicole Kea
Lorna Benett
Baby Washington
UB40 and Chrissie Hynde
And Dusty Springfield
A friend of a friend recently told me that I'm so confident, and that it's inspiring. She said that I seem very comfortable in my sexuality and she wishes she were more like me. The truth is, I've learned a lot about what I like and want sexually, and I learned how to ask for it, but I also sometimes miss the days when I had lower standards. I miss the attention being hyper-available brought me. I learned how to reject, say no, stop things that didn't feel good to me. I learned how to negotiate, and how to slow the pace, and how to never leave a personal sexual experience feeling unsatisfied, sexually. Emotionally is one I haven't grasped. And just because I know how to do these things doesn't mean I always do them. It all comes down to self-love, I think. How much care and effort do I put into my mind, hobbies, body, sex, friends, food, energy... the things that make my life special to me? The answer: substantial. And most of the time, I feel blessed. But I also feel the dark wave of reality about to pull me under, and I'm craving a change in the cycle.
I've been here before, so many times. And each time, I think I know everything. And each time, I look back and think wow... I was so naive and blind. I have the knowledge, and I have most of the tools, but what I lack is focus and motivation. I am lazy. This is what lazy looks like. I'm also afraid, and many times insecure in my looks, ability, sexuality, desirability, intelligence and just me in general. I am also proud for allowing myself to be human, to hurt (inside) and heal, to be accountable, and humble, and sometimes I grasp those magical moments, and they are everything my imagination (as stimulated by Paolo Coehlo) wants them to be. Smooth, effortless, scary, exciting, simple.
Lately, I'm just OK. Easy to push either way. Trying to live my life without the succumbing to the darkness of "alone-forever" paranoia. I'm lingering near making peace with a single life. Making my life, in its current incarnation, maximally enjoyable will help me in this pursuit. And I am working on it.
On another note, when I went to google the name of the singer playing on my player, Nicole Kea, I found several other versions of this song. All lovely and different, and I suspect there are more, but I have stuff to do! Apparently I am not the only one who loves this song. The first is my favorite, though!
Enjoy!
Nicole Kea
Click to viewLorna Benett
Baby Washington
UB40 and Chrissie Hynde
And Dusty Springfield