Ch-ch-changes
It's time for some changes. I've known this for years. I can initiate change easily, but fall back to my old ways even more easily. I find that over the past few years I've made some changes which have stuck. Important ones. Like raising my standards for dating. Like being vegan, then vegetarian and now again... only mostly veg. I try. Bad example, but it's one of the harder changes I've tried to make in my whole life. But I've also become clearer about what I want. I changed how I earn a living, though I feel in that regard alot more change is needed. I've become less selfish, though perhaps more cynical.
I really love writing. I used to see myself as a writer and then I stopped. Not sure why. But I definitely do see myself as a writer. And a painter. A "personal" trainer. A cook. And a designer. I can be anything I want. Why not? I feel like my biggest obstacle is me, my health, my body. I've been depressed about this for so long I can't even remember when I became me. Gradually I suppose. As someone who waits, waits and waits. But now, perhaps it was the weeks away from everything I define as me... now I just want to change. I want to lose weight. Alot of weight. But I don't want to be thin. I like being a "bigger" woman. Just a bit smaller. Society will never conform to me. Will never make my life easy. Aside from my own personal desire, I have no choice really. I used to be more fit, when i was younger. Since I turned 28, my body just doesn't heal and function like it used to. Mom always said it's easier to lose weight when you're younger. She was right, I suspect. I'm tired of squeezing, and not bending far enough, and being tired all the time, and if taking up so much space, and of people's hatefulness, stares and I'm tired of nothing fitting me except shoes and hats. I want to love myself, based not on how many other people love me, want me, etc. But because I am pretty cool, open minded and willing to change and learn. I need a real sense of self worth. And I need treat everyone else better in general.
As for dieting, I don't do diets. I'll eat chips and fries sometimes, and a big piece of fish with coleslaw, and chocolate with hazelnuts. But... I can make alot more meals at home. More raw food. But... I've been slowly modifying my eating habits. Back home in Toronto now, already, I'm back to my old inconsistent ways of eating. I'm going to change this. I need a routine, even if it changes often. I need a routine. And I'm determined to cut out processed, white, salty, sugared crap. There really are alot of healthy substitutes if you can afford them, and if things go on the way they have been, and I cut down on weed, then I can afford them. I'm determined. But I'm afraid of failing. Always afraid of people discovering that I am just a big fucking phony. That I'm really not confident. That I am filled with doubts, fear and defense mechanisms. Afraid of seeing the past as a failure, rather than small steps towards a goal. Feeling the love at home really gave me new strength. I have people. Lots of people. Who love me, and miss me, and who know me for me and think I'm great. I'm so blessed and I so often lose sight of that in the face of the cold, cruel world. I was so scared that they would not love me, could not love, because I'm big. I was so wrong!
Sigh. How to reckon with the cruel, cold world? I want to make movies!! Ok. I need to eat something healthy and go swimming. And the nice guy I met is a picky eater. Boo.
I really love writing. I used to see myself as a writer and then I stopped. Not sure why. But I definitely do see myself as a writer. And a painter. A "personal" trainer. A cook. And a designer. I can be anything I want. Why not? I feel like my biggest obstacle is me, my health, my body. I've been depressed about this for so long I can't even remember when I became me. Gradually I suppose. As someone who waits, waits and waits. But now, perhaps it was the weeks away from everything I define as me... now I just want to change. I want to lose weight. Alot of weight. But I don't want to be thin. I like being a "bigger" woman. Just a bit smaller. Society will never conform to me. Will never make my life easy. Aside from my own personal desire, I have no choice really. I used to be more fit, when i was younger. Since I turned 28, my body just doesn't heal and function like it used to. Mom always said it's easier to lose weight when you're younger. She was right, I suspect. I'm tired of squeezing, and not bending far enough, and being tired all the time, and if taking up so much space, and of people's hatefulness, stares and I'm tired of nothing fitting me except shoes and hats. I want to love myself, based not on how many other people love me, want me, etc. But because I am pretty cool, open minded and willing to change and learn. I need a real sense of self worth. And I need treat everyone else better in general.
As for dieting, I don't do diets. I'll eat chips and fries sometimes, and a big piece of fish with coleslaw, and chocolate with hazelnuts. But... I can make alot more meals at home. More raw food. But... I've been slowly modifying my eating habits. Back home in Toronto now, already, I'm back to my old inconsistent ways of eating. I'm going to change this. I need a routine, even if it changes often. I need a routine. And I'm determined to cut out processed, white, salty, sugared crap. There really are alot of healthy substitutes if you can afford them, and if things go on the way they have been, and I cut down on weed, then I can afford them. I'm determined. But I'm afraid of failing. Always afraid of people discovering that I am just a big fucking phony. That I'm really not confident. That I am filled with doubts, fear and defense mechanisms. Afraid of seeing the past as a failure, rather than small steps towards a goal. Feeling the love at home really gave me new strength. I have people. Lots of people. Who love me, and miss me, and who know me for me and think I'm great. I'm so blessed and I so often lose sight of that in the face of the cold, cruel world. I was so scared that they would not love me, could not love, because I'm big. I was so wrong!
Sigh. How to reckon with the cruel, cold world? I want to make movies!! Ok. I need to eat something healthy and go swimming. And the nice guy I met is a picky eater. Boo.