CONvergence 2012 - Ruminations, Remembrances, Realizations

[prettymuchpeggy]

This was an interesting convention for me.  It was full of ruminations, remembrances, wandering, grieving, little bright spots, realizations and other stuff.  To start with this was an odd con for me ... I came to it in remembrance of my friend, Michael Matheny. The other odd thing was that I spent about two hours each day working out "getting my guy to and from" work in the middle of things and that I still made it work.


Friday Night

• Dithering Decisions - First off, I dithered about going to the con.  This particular CONvergence was not only going to be about seeing people, but a special remembrance.  My friend, Ruth, would be there too.  The cost was a $100 which I could have put toward more practical things like shoes; but after much ado about the nothing, the scales tipped in favor of the Con.
• Getting there - I don't have ready access to my car anymore. Steve uses my car to get to and from work. Getting to 4th Street on Friday involved bumming a ride to pick up my car in Mendota Heights, knocking on a door, getting keys and filling my gas tank which seems to be in a chronic state of empty. Post fluther, off to CONvergence I went.
• Learning new things - Registration moved from the last time I had been to CONvergence....after a little confusion, I give a nod to the new location. I went to the Con Suite next and learned about Soup lines. (Poked my head into the MnStff Room long enough to help out a little. I left the room as I wished to see more of the convention.)  I found the best place for me was a seat by the elevator line. I greeted half a dozen folk that I knew and it was a wonderful place to become acclimatized to the Con. People watching, and listening, and breathing in and out. (These large crowds are full of friendly people.) While there, the choir that I used to sing with was warming up for their concert.  I, then, figured that it would be a good thing to let healing happen.
• Idisi Concert - I decided that if this was going to be a Con full of healing that I should start with the Idisi Concert. They sounded marvelous. I let go a lot of my hurt feelings at that concert - the choir had gone another direction and I wasn't to be part any more. I had felt cast to the wind.  After the concert, I felt less so. They are getting to be fine vocalists. 
• Drop off and pick up - On of the hassles of planning to go to a con last minute is that Steve depends on my car to get him too and from work.  I would have to leave the con each night pick him up from work, drop him at home and come back to the con. 
• The Long Straight Forever Concert - I made it back just in time for the first of Michael Matheny's Memorial Concerts. The Long Straight Forever was Michael's last band. His band mate was longest term dear friend, Ray.  There was a lot of tears and laughter and more tears. It was good. This concert was a good thing for me.  I realized that I belonged. Got to catch up with friends. I hugged Chas and told him that I was glad he was alive and said you think I have tears for Michael for you it would have been worse. If I had done nothing else at CONvergence, this was worth the price I paid.

Saturday

• Forgetting my badge :( - I was going to have Steve drop me off and pick me up this day.  Only to have my plans thrashed by leaving  my badge at home - DOH!
• Finger Nail Decorating Visiting - I had been invited to have my finger nails done at the MNStff Room.  Although I choose not to have them done, I had fun helping others pick out their patterns.
• Anne McCaffrey Panel - This was a good panel for those who wished to remember the bibliography of Anne McCaffrey.  For me I wanted more of a remembrance of the person than of the books she wrote.  I left. 
• Talking with people - I ran into Jean outside of the panel and started talking about relief of job's gone and all that goes with it. Later I talked with John - shared some of my grief.  Let myself get distracted myself with people watching. Rosie the Robot talking to a person who designed robots, the super secret mighty morphin power rangers group auditions (which were hilarious) and the gathering of people for the Masquerade. I think people watching is one piece I miss from the old Minicon. 
• Going to Dinner  - I was headed toward the Con Suite to see if I could rustle up a free meal when I ran into David, Chas and Bonnie.  Chas and Bonnie were "sitting" David while Ruth used that "facilities".  We tagged off - Chas and Bonnie went in hunt for a place to watch the Masquerade. I talked with David while we were waited for Ruth.  He sported a banjo and played it well.  I joined them for dinner. This was both good and bad. It was good to see Ruth again.  She is moving back from China next year. Yay!  Good that I was treated to ice cream. The bad was I was still caught up in my grief and shared it. 
• Pre-Zar Tournamant - I headed toward the MNstff room accompanied by Ruth and David and David's Banjo. Friends of mine were hosting a Zar Tournament and figured it would be a good to both help set up and touch base.  They (the friends) ran in late.  In the meantime I listened to conversations about changing the world of which I cannot remember much except that I liked it. By the time they (the friends) got there set up was in too much of a rush for me to be much help so I left to do more people watching at the elevator.  
• At the Elevator Perch - Got to see Ray and talk with him.  It was good to talk to someone who was feeling "the someone missing" like I was. I also talked to Ken in passing. I met up with my college friend, Kathy. We talked Dr Who and people watching and of other times gone. As I was heading out to pickup Steve I ran into Chas and Bonnie.  I wished I could spend more time with them, but alas.....I was already late.
• Return to play in open music circle - the music circle was good. I only stayed three rounds.

Sunday

• Pre-Gallowsglass Concert - Ran into Chas and Bonnie again.  My thought quote was "they're everywhere, they're everywhere" and my other thought was that this was good. Talked with Gabriel. The talk was about how music affects the body. I shared about how one could feel music/hear in your bones. How one could experience this by humming. This conversation lead to another about the need for the return of communities and people who "cared" beyond their self interest. Too short a conversation. I also talked Ken's long term girlfriend, Kari. We shared with each other how we came to know Michael.  When I was asked to "wait in the lobby" during the sound check, I stood my ground and said, "There is not a single person here who does not know me. I belong here just as much as anyone else in the room."  I am glad I did.  I needed to speak passed my fear and be true to me. Somehow I feel Michael was nudging me to do so. My seats were near the people I needed to be near to and that was that. Ray invited me to the wake later - thought I already knew. I was glad he did because I would have been crushed, if I had missed it.
• Gallowsglass Concert - Silly as always,  touched by the poignant reminder that Michael was no longer there. Ray and others filled the hole very well, but still.... I laughed, I cried, I laughed.  We hugged more after the Concert.  I even hugged Dayna who has seemed to be upset with me. I don't feel angry at her - I am hurt by my own expectations/wishes being dashed when her choir changed course and that course did not include me. This was a time to support each other as we missed the corporeal presence of our dear friend. We said as much to each other. 
• Dinner with people who cared most about Michael - After the concert, I joined Ray, Gabriel, Lojo and the Matheny Family for dinner. Michael's mom invited me. From Lojo's story of meeting Michael I determined that I was at the first meeting of the people who would become Gallowsglass, but the second. I listened to the tales of Michael and I figured out exactly how and when I fit into the stories. I had been woven into his life seamlessly as so many were. 
• The Wake - More remembering Michael. The wake was at Kieran's Irish Pub. A fitting place as Gallowglass and The Long Straight Forever both played here.  Here again there were tears and laughter.  I am glad that I went. I came to realize that I was a part of Michael's "extended" family. I may not have been a brother or sister like Lojo, Ken, Gabriel, Ray and so may many others were, but I was definitely a close cousin.  Many of the times I spent with Michael were during my un-medicated chronic major depression years  I remember them as happy. This spoke to how wonderful the times must have been been because for anyone else they would have been awesome and joyous experiences. My only regret of the evening was that I couldn't seem to get myself to sing as a tribute to him. Every time that there was an opportunity to do so I froze.  Despite my freezing the whole of the wake left me feeling grateful for all the really good people in my life.