Hello from 2020
To the me from 2002 - 2006:
Hello from 2020.
I opened this for the first time in at least a decade last night, only to see a post from August 2020 at the top. I thought there had been a mistake or that I'd been hacked, only to realize that I'd future-dated that post to pin it, since pinning posts wasn't a thing back in 2006.
And here we are. July 2020.
You probably have a lot of questions about what it's like now. Who you became, where you're living, what you're doing.
You live in Singapore. You're the deputy editor of a lifestyle website. Before this, you were a fashion & beauty writer for a local entertainment platform. You live in an apartment with two friends. You're not married yet. You're seeing someone whom you met at work. He's a musician. 2003-era you would be thrilled to learn that he writes music and plays jazz piano.
What's he like, you ask. Is he cute? Is he nice?
Do you know all of each other's secrets?
I'm still working on the emotional intimacy thing. A lot happened. Sometimes I wish I could tell me him whatever I was feeling, at any moment, without worrying that he would abandon me. I don't know if I'm afraid to do that because of him or because of me.
We're in the middle of a pandemic. Remember SARS? It's like that, but global. Everywhere went on lockdown. The government forced us to stay inside our houses. In Singapore, we've just gotten out of a three-month "circuit breaker" (lockdown), but I'm still working from home. We can go out, but only in groups of 5, and we have to wear a face mask and sit 1 metre apart from each other.
I'm writing this in Maccha House, in the basement of Somerset 313. I'm supposed to be working from home today, but my apartment had to be fogged for mold this morning, and I've been out ever since. I have dinner plans with some coworkers, but I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My head hurts. Maybe it's because I drank wine and stayed up till 3 am reading all the entries from 2003 hahahaha.
You care way more about work and school than I remember. You're struggling with your grades. You don't feel as smart as everyone else. You feel like a slow learner. But it's okay, 20 years from now, you won't remember the struggle at all. You'll only remember all the times you spent slacking off in study hall with your friends. Also, future you doesn't give a damn about work. I'm still trying to figure out where my motivation went between 2006 and now, hahaha.
Let's see, what else....
Danielle is married, lives in New York, and has 4 cats. She's a teacher, obv.
Jed got married a few years ago and has an 18-month-old son, with another kid on the way. He lives in LA, where he works as a bouldering instructor at CalTech. You guys talk all the time. He's probably the person you can share the most with. I know, it's wild.
Your parents live in Taiwan. Your mom has mellowed out a lot, but you and your siblings are still terrified of her. But you're in counselling now, and you're working it out. Learning to un-internalize all that stuff about having a weak spirit and not being good enough. It know it hurt, but you'll soon find the courage to get help for it.
You still go to church, where you're serving in your connect group. It makes you happy and it gives you a sense of purpose. Your friends there really love you.
You know that voice that tells you "you're an idiot" or "nobody likes you" or "they're probably all only pretending to like you because they feel sorry for you"? You still hear it. You still feel left out sometimes. You're slowly finding your place in the world, yes, even at the ripe old age of 33.
But there's another voice telling you that you have it in you to adapt. Sometimes things go well, other times they don't, but you will figure it out. You always have.
I guess this is enough for now. I still have to read 2004-2006's entries, alongside all the old Xanga posts.
You'll forget most of what you're going through now, but don't ever forget that you are loved.
It's what will get you through the next 17 years.
Until then.
- The you from 2020