Match and Marry
Whilst flipping through channels in my lonely apartment, I stumbled across a documentary about the trials and tribulations of meeting people to marry in very orthodox Jewish communities (who often refer to themselves as "Observant Communities"). There are no clubs or bars to meet at, and quite frequently interaction between men and women, even in friendly social situations, are limited for religious reasons. So, matchmakers play a huge role in these communities. Often times the matchmakers are women who sometimes will work in groups to set up singles on "dates". I put "dates" in quotes here because there's no real activity involved, like dinner and a movie, a better word would be "mutual interview." They meet in hotel lobbies so they can sit down and really talk to each other. The ladies in the film went on and on about how this is so much better than a traditional date because you don't have to deal with the distraction of a movie or a play, you can just do what you came there to do and figure out if that person is right for you.
If the "dates" go well, the goal is to get engaged and married as quickly as possible. One woman mentioned that she had been dating a man for 3 weeks before she got engaged to him. I almost laughed when I heard that. 3 weeks?!? Seriously? It takes most people longer to decide on a car to buy! I decided against changing the channel, however, to hear them state their case. The case was essentially this: These people are genuinely looking for the person they want to marry. They're not just having fun, or dating casually. So if they're not almost certain they'll marry this person, then they stop "dating". And if you're certain of the person, why not get married?
Hmmm... touché, Jewish people. They're forgetting, of course, that when you're still in your early twenties (as most of the people being set up by matchmakers are) your life is still settling down. Most people that age are still just starting to figure out who they are. It's beneficial to wait to get married, because you're also waiting to see if you can work through (inevitable) significant changes together, and work through life as a couple. Regardless of the depth of your conversations, there is NO way you could know that in 3 weeks. In addition, it's amazing how great people are at hiding who they really are. It, potentially, would be really easy for someone to play the role of the suave, caring, passionate significant other for 3 weeks only to show their true colors as soon as there's a commitment. Trust me, I've seen it happen. The longer you wait, the more you can really ensure that the person you're with is genuine. Maybe I'm weird...
Alright, so they meet, and get engaged 3 weeks later. Of course, all through this process, the couple isn't really allowed to touch each other. Especially when they're dating. According to one of the women, sexual intimacy before marriage clouds your judgment. It can make you feel like there's an emotional connection there when there really isn't. According to the Rabbi, the Jewish tradition doesn't view sex in such a negative way. The real reason to avoid it before marriage is to make sure that the connection is truly from the heart and not... other parts. Honestly, I was happy and surprised to hear this. In some ways, I actually agree with what they said. I really appreciate that their reasoning for making this rule isn't that they view sex as evil, in my opinion that kind of thinking is bad for people psychologically (but let's not get into that right now). Although I do think that sex is part of a relationship, and in addition to connecting emotionally, it's important to see if you get along sexually. But I guess if you only have 3 weeks... maybe there are more important things to figure out? I don't really know.
Speaking of sex, one of the older women in the film mentioned the Jewish idea of "onah" which she described as sexual intimacy for the sake of being intimate. In other words, they're allowed to have sex for pleasure, and not just for procreation. According to the older woman, this is very healthy for the marriage. I was very happy about this. That is, until one of the more insistent younger women informed us that "obviously" the husband and wife would separate while she is menstruating. According to her, this was just because women are clearly saddened and mourning when they menstruate because of the loss of the hypothetical life represented by the egg passing (ummm...). Don't worry though, this just means that the other parts of the month when husband and wife are allowed to be together are much more rich and meaningful. ...Right?
Well, at the very least, I learned quite a bit about Jewish traditional culture from this film. I'm not sure I would have learned many of these things otherwise. Much food for thought, if nothing else.
In other, completely unrelated, news: I've been listening to Radiohead music for... umm... a really long time now. But I've never really taken the time to watch the music videos. I've been watching some of them recently, and they're so artistic and sometimes beautiful in and of themselves. I think that's a really good word to describe Radiohead in general. Not all of their music is pretty... but all of is beautiful. If that makes sense. Geez, I love them.
Alright, time to make some dinner.
Yay summer!
Love always,
Ali
If the "dates" go well, the goal is to get engaged and married as quickly as possible. One woman mentioned that she had been dating a man for 3 weeks before she got engaged to him. I almost laughed when I heard that. 3 weeks?!? Seriously? It takes most people longer to decide on a car to buy! I decided against changing the channel, however, to hear them state their case. The case was essentially this: These people are genuinely looking for the person they want to marry. They're not just having fun, or dating casually. So if they're not almost certain they'll marry this person, then they stop "dating". And if you're certain of the person, why not get married?
Hmmm... touché, Jewish people. They're forgetting, of course, that when you're still in your early twenties (as most of the people being set up by matchmakers are) your life is still settling down. Most people that age are still just starting to figure out who they are. It's beneficial to wait to get married, because you're also waiting to see if you can work through (inevitable) significant changes together, and work through life as a couple. Regardless of the depth of your conversations, there is NO way you could know that in 3 weeks. In addition, it's amazing how great people are at hiding who they really are. It, potentially, would be really easy for someone to play the role of the suave, caring, passionate significant other for 3 weeks only to show their true colors as soon as there's a commitment. Trust me, I've seen it happen. The longer you wait, the more you can really ensure that the person you're with is genuine. Maybe I'm weird...
Alright, so they meet, and get engaged 3 weeks later. Of course, all through this process, the couple isn't really allowed to touch each other. Especially when they're dating. According to one of the women, sexual intimacy before marriage clouds your judgment. It can make you feel like there's an emotional connection there when there really isn't. According to the Rabbi, the Jewish tradition doesn't view sex in such a negative way. The real reason to avoid it before marriage is to make sure that the connection is truly from the heart and not... other parts. Honestly, I was happy and surprised to hear this. In some ways, I actually agree with what they said. I really appreciate that their reasoning for making this rule isn't that they view sex as evil, in my opinion that kind of thinking is bad for people psychologically (but let's not get into that right now). Although I do think that sex is part of a relationship, and in addition to connecting emotionally, it's important to see if you get along sexually. But I guess if you only have 3 weeks... maybe there are more important things to figure out? I don't really know.
Speaking of sex, one of the older women in the film mentioned the Jewish idea of "onah" which she described as sexual intimacy for the sake of being intimate. In other words, they're allowed to have sex for pleasure, and not just for procreation. According to the older woman, this is very healthy for the marriage. I was very happy about this. That is, until one of the more insistent younger women informed us that "obviously" the husband and wife would separate while she is menstruating. According to her, this was just because women are clearly saddened and mourning when they menstruate because of the loss of the hypothetical life represented by the egg passing (ummm...). Don't worry though, this just means that the other parts of the month when husband and wife are allowed to be together are much more rich and meaningful. ...Right?
Well, at the very least, I learned quite a bit about Jewish traditional culture from this film. I'm not sure I would have learned many of these things otherwise. Much food for thought, if nothing else.
In other, completely unrelated, news: I've been listening to Radiohead music for... umm... a really long time now. But I've never really taken the time to watch the music videos. I've been watching some of them recently, and they're so artistic and sometimes beautiful in and of themselves. I think that's a really good word to describe Radiohead in general. Not all of their music is pretty... but all of is beautiful. If that makes sense. Geez, I love them.
Alright, time to make some dinner.
Yay summer!
Love always,
Ali