Some serious thoughts....
I'm writing this here, I think, as a way to kind of get it out of my head and move on. I have things I need to do tonight... so it's important, I think, that I articulate these things as best as I can right now so I don't keep mulling them over.
There was an incident this afternoon in my choir in which my director got incredibly upset with a student for not participating in a manner that he deemed acceptable, and my director chose to demonstrate his disapproval by throwing a temper tantrum in front of the entire choir. His outburst involved him slamming his hands on the keys of the piano, literally screaming "NO!!" multiple times, hitting the piano with his fists, and grabbing at his hair (as if attempting to rip it out). He yelled other things as well, and this isn't the first time he's done this. In addition, this time he kicked the piano bench over and stomped towards the choir in a very threatening manner. The majority of the choir watched in shock, but I recoiled in my chair and started crying almost instantly. I couldn't help any of this, it was purely instinct. It was terribly embarassing, I had no idea why I would react with such fear to an old man with anger-management issues . Thankfully only a few people noticed me, I think, including him. He stopped right away and apologized (to the entire choir, not to me personally), but I was on edge the rest of the rehearsal. At the end of the hour, I walked out without looking at him.
So, I guess, it was only fitting that the my next class, Early Childhood Development, would involve a video about children from abusive or alcoholic households. I hate to classify myself as a stereotypical anything... but I'm more or less a textbook girl raised in that kind of toxic situation. I'll react very forcefully and emotionally to any perceived threat, and I completely shut down in the face of any kind of aggressive anger. I'm also really good at reading people's body language and tone of voice, which can be handy in some cases, but it's developed as a necessity and survival tactic, because like the children in the video, I needed to learn how to gauge my father's mood as he tends to react unpredictably. I also tend to get really really uncomfortable in any kind of tense social situations, more so than other people, I think. These are things I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Over time, I've learned how to tone down my reactions to things, and how to overcome my fear of another person's anger (for a long time, I would literally do ANYTHING to not be in any situation that I thought might involve someone being angry at me), but today in choir it was all too much for me.
Now, Ive been trying to think of how to deal with all of this. I love my choir, but I do not go there everyday to be literally screamed at. I really do think Dr. R is a talented teacher, and I do respect him, but his behavior today was not only unprofessional, it was threatening and completely unnecessary. I don't want to get him fired, I just really think that this needs to be addressed in some way... I also don't know if I can stay in choir, which breaks my heart more than I can say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying any of this to make people feel sorry for me. In fact, please don't. As I said before, I just need to write these thoughts out so they won't be in my head anymore. This has helped a lot.
I shouldn't dwell on these things, there are a lot of good things in my life right now, and those things and people are much more deserving of my attention and LJ entries. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have the friends and especially the boyfriend that I do at the moment. So, I hope to never have to mention these depressing things again.
Love,
Ali
There was an incident this afternoon in my choir in which my director got incredibly upset with a student for not participating in a manner that he deemed acceptable, and my director chose to demonstrate his disapproval by throwing a temper tantrum in front of the entire choir. His outburst involved him slamming his hands on the keys of the piano, literally screaming "NO!!" multiple times, hitting the piano with his fists, and grabbing at his hair (as if attempting to rip it out). He yelled other things as well, and this isn't the first time he's done this. In addition, this time he kicked the piano bench over and stomped towards the choir in a very threatening manner. The majority of the choir watched in shock, but I recoiled in my chair and started crying almost instantly. I couldn't help any of this, it was purely instinct. It was terribly embarassing, I had no idea why I would react with such fear to an old man with anger-management issues . Thankfully only a few people noticed me, I think, including him. He stopped right away and apologized (to the entire choir, not to me personally), but I was on edge the rest of the rehearsal. At the end of the hour, I walked out without looking at him.
So, I guess, it was only fitting that the my next class, Early Childhood Development, would involve a video about children from abusive or alcoholic households. I hate to classify myself as a stereotypical anything... but I'm more or less a textbook girl raised in that kind of toxic situation. I'll react very forcefully and emotionally to any perceived threat, and I completely shut down in the face of any kind of aggressive anger. I'm also really good at reading people's body language and tone of voice, which can be handy in some cases, but it's developed as a necessity and survival tactic, because like the children in the video, I needed to learn how to gauge my father's mood as he tends to react unpredictably. I also tend to get really really uncomfortable in any kind of tense social situations, more so than other people, I think. These are things I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. Over time, I've learned how to tone down my reactions to things, and how to overcome my fear of another person's anger (for a long time, I would literally do ANYTHING to not be in any situation that I thought might involve someone being angry at me), but today in choir it was all too much for me.
Now, Ive been trying to think of how to deal with all of this. I love my choir, but I do not go there everyday to be literally screamed at. I really do think Dr. R is a talented teacher, and I do respect him, but his behavior today was not only unprofessional, it was threatening and completely unnecessary. I don't want to get him fired, I just really think that this needs to be addressed in some way... I also don't know if I can stay in choir, which breaks my heart more than I can say.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm not saying any of this to make people feel sorry for me. In fact, please don't. As I said before, I just need to write these thoughts out so they won't be in my head anymore. This has helped a lot.
I shouldn't dwell on these things, there are a lot of good things in my life right now, and those things and people are much more deserving of my attention and LJ entries. I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have the friends and especially the boyfriend that I do at the moment. So, I hope to never have to mention these depressing things again.
Love,
Ali