Sad times

[prettylard07]

A few weeks ago I posted how I wanted to die so badly because nothing is worse than being fat. Or feeling fat, that's almost as bad as being fat. Anywho, I'm still wishing I were dead. It's crazy, I realize, to feel like this... I don't know what's wrong with me! I keep invisioning running my car off the road and overdosing on pills and booze or cutting myself till blood runs out. Ugh. What kind of normal person thinks this? Most things are fine in my life besides my weight and I've made some mistakes at work (nothing that wasn't fixed, though) and yet... and yet I feel like shit. Everyday its worse. In fact today I called my doc's to try to get an appt, maybe its my prozac making me feel crazier... but you know, I am not sure anything can help me at this point. The first time I tried cutting I was 14, I think, and upset... I slid the knife across my wrist gently to test it but it was dull and hurt. So I never cut. More and more lately I think about cutting flesh, making myself bleed for my crimes. And last night... last night I found a sharp razor blade, the kind you put in a scaping knife. And I slid it across my hips where I have strechmarks... blood bubbled up! And it hardly hurt! So I did it again and again and I counted today at work break and there are 13 cuts close together. I'm glad I have another way to punish myself for being fat. I also puked up all my dinner tonight... thank god! It felt soooo good to puke it up. I wondered why I don't puke every bite up, but I guess thats hard to do without people noticing. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, I'm not good enough for the job. I feel like one mistake is the end of my world when I should let it roll off my shoulders. But no, not me. Everything has to hurt. I did pilates ball dvd tonight too after puking, I hate how bored I feel but I have to do it, you know? I just found out I have a 24hr exercise channel and thats great because I get ansy at night and need to burn energy. I am having to take sleeping pills and drink to sleep... and even then I'm tired the next day. I sleep, I'm tired. I don't sleep, I'm tired. I am an oxygen waster. I never thought I'd feel this way after I entered treatment at Duke ED clinic... how wrong was I?! Sigh...

On a side note, does anyone watch House and American Idol? I love those shows... along with Monk and Psyche. How pathetic is it that looking foward to these shows keeps me going sometimes. BAH! Life sucks and then you die. God, sorry about this depressing email... hope you all are doing fine... hugs and kisses...TK