my eyes burn from the pounds of makeup on them
So...let's see...where to begin. Ah, yes. Philip's still in Detroit. He sent me an email yesterday that pretty much destroyed me. But the thing is...I don't think it's over. I honestly think he's going to try again, because that is what he does. He needs help. He really does. I can't be mad at someone that has severe emotional and mental issues when it comes to love. I can be a little annoyed that he chose me as the one to try it out with. I dunno, I keep hearing Jeff Buckley over and over in my head: "It's never over. Lover, you should have come over...it's not too late." I am in a perpetual state of mourning for the most beautiful, silly, fabulous boy I've ever seen. Deep down I know I shouldn't even talk to him because it's going to make it worse, I'm going to want to stay with him and have it all happen to me again. Kristin gave me the best advice. Basically, don't care what other people say, do what's right for you. And I love the hell out of her for being so neutral and not saying dump his ass because THAT annoys the fuck out of me. He's not a bad person, honestly. He just needs help. And if I hear anyone say to me that he's an asshole or anything, I will destroy you. It's my call to say if he's anything; not yours. You don't know him, you didn't go through everything I did with him.
So then yesterday I hung out with Jenny-I had to get my mind off of Philip. We went all over the fucking place and had my favorite comfort food-chinese-and then went to fourth coast so I could have a cigarette and brood over a coffee and look emo as fuck. So we did. And Jenny pointed out that someone looked familliar and I turned and looked and yelled out: BECAUSE I DATED HIM! I rule the casual scene. So yeah, it was Scott whom I haven't seen since we broke up, which was like, I dunno two years ago or something. We talked for a bit and it was a good talk, and it wasn't as horrible as a lot of ex's that run into each other. Then Spencer called me and we watched Ravenous which I was all about because Damon Albarn did the music for it, but come to find out...not a bad movie. We talked about zombies and he totally cheered me up for like a whole hour.
So now I'm home after a non existant sleep and my mind is back on Philip and the constant heartache that is us. I'm trying to be happy, honestly. I'm ALWAYS happy, but I just can't be. Queen quotes it best: "Inside my heart is breaking. My makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. The show must go on." It's hard, dude. It's hard going from spending like 80% of your day with someone-everyday-to not talking to them at all. It's hard watching shows by yourself that you used to watch with him. Everything reminds me of him. Like I told him: maybe we'll get through this, maybe we won't. But in the meantime my heart is destroyed. I know he misses me. How can he not, I'm fucking awesome. I just really wish he would get over this paralyzing fear. It's not fair to me!
I love you guys. And if you wonder why for the past couple of venting entries I've disabled comments, it's because right now I don't really want advice or to hear how much he sucks. You guys know how it is. When you really care for someone and then other people aren't cool with it and say mean stuff. I'm not down for that. But I do love you guys and I hope everyone's doing swell. lol swell. at least I still have my humor...and my sweet rack
So then yesterday I hung out with Jenny-I had to get my mind off of Philip. We went all over the fucking place and had my favorite comfort food-chinese-and then went to fourth coast so I could have a cigarette and brood over a coffee and look emo as fuck. So we did. And Jenny pointed out that someone looked familliar and I turned and looked and yelled out: BECAUSE I DATED HIM! I rule the casual scene. So yeah, it was Scott whom I haven't seen since we broke up, which was like, I dunno two years ago or something. We talked for a bit and it was a good talk, and it wasn't as horrible as a lot of ex's that run into each other. Then Spencer called me and we watched Ravenous which I was all about because Damon Albarn did the music for it, but come to find out...not a bad movie. We talked about zombies and he totally cheered me up for like a whole hour.
So now I'm home after a non existant sleep and my mind is back on Philip and the constant heartache that is us. I'm trying to be happy, honestly. I'm ALWAYS happy, but I just can't be. Queen quotes it best: "Inside my heart is breaking. My makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on. The show must go on." It's hard, dude. It's hard going from spending like 80% of your day with someone-everyday-to not talking to them at all. It's hard watching shows by yourself that you used to watch with him. Everything reminds me of him. Like I told him: maybe we'll get through this, maybe we won't. But in the meantime my heart is destroyed. I know he misses me. How can he not, I'm fucking awesome. I just really wish he would get over this paralyzing fear. It's not fair to me!
I love you guys. And if you wonder why for the past couple of venting entries I've disabled comments, it's because right now I don't really want advice or to hear how much he sucks. You guys know how it is. When you really care for someone and then other people aren't cool with it and say mean stuff. I'm not down for that. But I do love you guys and I hope everyone's doing swell. lol swell. at least I still have my humor...and my sweet rack