please make it go away.
Yup.
You guessed it. I've lost my mind again.
I am having what I call bipolar attacks.
one second I am bouncing off the walls, in love with everything and everyone, talking a mile a minute, just loving life. feeling wonderful and attractive, and something more than dirt.
the next second I am laying in my bed staring at the ceiling begging the darkness and silence to make it all go away. make these stupid feelings, and the worthlessness disapate.
but it remains.
I remain. and I lay there for hours. anger building. so mad, and crying.
I want to cry in blood. but I cant. I cant put the razor to my skin.
I can not lose all I've worked for just to balence these attacks.
i cant lose it. one stinging bleeding wound in exchange for my soul.
but I cant go back to the hospital. i cant go back on strict pill regimins and even stricter blood tests. I cant go through intense therapy. I CANT be shunned by the ones who love me. they cant loose that respect I gained by coming this far. I can not ruin it all.
but I remeber the soothing feeling. the personal sick satisfaction.
I remember having something to look forward to.
because I dont feel much anymore, or right now. I'm numb. and I need to feel something.
anything.
I had love to feel.
but now I have this dull lonliness that hangs like a rag doll.
I had a billion friends.
and now I have a few. but I push them away.
I had rutine that kept me whole.
now I have a low paying, impersonal, mind numbing job.
I cant get out of anything.
I write and write and write. yet I say nothing.
can someone come along and snap me out of this? tell me I am worth something? tell me I'm something they need? tell me that I am not just holding out and suffering for nothing?
what became of optimism?
its now replaced by hopelessness, feeling worthless and used, hunted, gutted, and destroyed.
two questions for you:
are you happy you've made me see this all?
is my failure and misery making you grin and feel all the more powerful adn important?
I'm affraid that I am tossing self control outta the window now.
because I just dont care anymore.
no one could even begin to give me reason why i should care.
You guessed it. I've lost my mind again.
I am having what I call bipolar attacks.
one second I am bouncing off the walls, in love with everything and everyone, talking a mile a minute, just loving life. feeling wonderful and attractive, and something more than dirt.
the next second I am laying in my bed staring at the ceiling begging the darkness and silence to make it all go away. make these stupid feelings, and the worthlessness disapate.
but it remains.
I remain. and I lay there for hours. anger building. so mad, and crying.
I want to cry in blood. but I cant. I cant put the razor to my skin.
I can not lose all I've worked for just to balence these attacks.
i cant lose it. one stinging bleeding wound in exchange for my soul.
but I cant go back to the hospital. i cant go back on strict pill regimins and even stricter blood tests. I cant go through intense therapy. I CANT be shunned by the ones who love me. they cant loose that respect I gained by coming this far. I can not ruin it all.
but I remeber the soothing feeling. the personal sick satisfaction.
I remember having something to look forward to.
because I dont feel much anymore, or right now. I'm numb. and I need to feel something.
anything.
I had love to feel.
but now I have this dull lonliness that hangs like a rag doll.
I had a billion friends.
and now I have a few. but I push them away.
I had rutine that kept me whole.
now I have a low paying, impersonal, mind numbing job.
I cant get out of anything.
I write and write and write. yet I say nothing.
can someone come along and snap me out of this? tell me I am worth something? tell me I'm something they need? tell me that I am not just holding out and suffering for nothing?
what became of optimism?
its now replaced by hopelessness, feeling worthless and used, hunted, gutted, and destroyed.
two questions for you:
are you happy you've made me see this all?
is my failure and misery making you grin and feel all the more powerful adn important?
I'm affraid that I am tossing self control outta the window now.
because I just dont care anymore.
no one could even begin to give me reason why i should care.