Twelve Days
I tried on my dress yesterday. My grandma came over so she could shorten the straps for me. I was sooo nervous, I hadn't tried it on since I picked it up and found out that I'm a fucking fatass. The good news is, that after weeks of food-guilt, partial starvation, and half-hearted attempts at excercise, I did indeed fit into the dress. It was still a bit snug in the hips, but it was soooo much better than it was before. So by the time of the wedding, I should be good to go. That was a big weight off my mind. But as I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't feel anything really. And now, as I reflect back on that, I wonder.
I felt feel so numb about the whole thing. Sure I get butterflies every now and again, but it's just a fleeting sense of excitement and worry. Overall, I'm pretty calm about everything, under the surface there are no ripples, no doubts, nothing. I can't figure out if I'm just at peace about the whole thing, or if I'm just closing myself off from it and not allowing myself to feel. I have actually faked nervousness or excitement for people who ask, because I feel nothing, yet I know they expect an emotional response from me. I don't want to go into old Holly emotionless mode. I like the new me who actually allows herself to feel joy and sadness, to open herself up to being hurt and being happy. I hate that this stupid stupid stupid defense mechanism that is robbing me of all the wonderful things I should be feeling right now. I really don't want to be a robot.