part 7
Chloe sat and sat. She watched the cool waves lap at her feet. She thought of everything that has happened. She felt the wind surround her like a warm hug, blowing through her hair like fingers brushing over her head. She felt the sand surrounding her, and still she sat. She didn't ever want to get up. She saw the sun just peaking up from the ocean. She tried not to feel. They had had a fight. She did miss him. But she just didn't understand what she could have missed. "Those who won't let us have them are the most desired." She thought. It was true. Andrew was a horrible boyfriend. He used her and never gave her what she wanted from him; love. But that was what made her go after him more. Until she wore herself out. She wrapped her arms around herself, squeezing in. She felt so small. So miniscule. She wasn't sure what she wanted, but she couldn't very well break Aidens heart.
"Chloe! Chloe!!" he yelled, running onto the beach. "Chloe, baby, I'm sorry. Look I love you. I do. Everything that was said...I know there are things you have to work past, but, I mean, will you stay with me. Pick me."
Chloe looked into his eyes. He smiled at her, and held out his hand. She stared at it and contemplated everything she had thought about these past few hours. She didn’t even feel like herself anymore. She had felt so good at first. She had sworn everything was going to be alright; that this pain would stop as quick as blood stops flowing when you put a band-aid on a wound. She sucked it up and pushed it down, and grabbed his hand.
It was too late though. He saw it. He could feel it. She had hesitated. Every last nerve in his body shuddered, straight down to the bone. He could feel every drop of blood that his heart beat out, turn ice cold. He gripped her hand and bit his lip. He stared into her eyes as he hoisted her to her feet.
Chloe knew he could tell. She had hesitated. She couldn’t help it. Every bone in her body wanted to be touched by him, not Aiden. She swallowed hard, and grabbed his hand as they ambled back towords his apartment.
He slammed the door, and let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to know what it would feel like when she left him. He wanted to be the one to do it, but when he looked up, and he saw her standing there, as hopeless as a small child who still had yet to understand the world. She needed saving, and he wanted to be the one to save her. He wanted to pick her up and scoop her into his arms. He took one step towords her as she took one step back. They both stopped. She turned and ran into the room she stayed in the first night they met.
She crawled into the covers and pulled them up over her head. She could feel her breath on her arm, and taste her tears as they rolled onto her cheeks. She heard the door softly click shut. Even though he didn’t make a sound she knew he was there. She held her breath, trying to hard to hear his thoughts; to feel his pain. She wished to be a sponge, able to absorb every bit of pain she had caused. He knew she was trying to figure out his thoughts. He knew her. It may have not been as long as she had been with Andrew but he already knew every small embarrassing detail about her.
He shuffled over like a scared mouse, and crawled into the bed with her. He brushed his hand over her hair, and onto her cheeks. He kissed every new tear that rolled down.
“Sometimes the ones that are hardest to forget are the ones who treated you the worst. He reminded you of someone didn’t he? Someone who never gave you love. Someone that you wanted so desperately to hug you and hold you and love you.”
Chloe gripped him and cried. She was thinking about her mom. Her mom, who never once put a band-aid on a bloody knee. The woman who never hugged her when somthing went wrong. The woman who taught her about negative calorie foods and to fear carbs. She thought of when her mother would cut out pictures of stick thin models and tape them around all the mirrors and near toilets. She could picture the toothbrushes she put on the back of the toilet so they'd be there when needed. She remebered daily weigh-ins. Her mother would keep a chart of goal weights next to the mirrors and scales and write down every weigh-in. She taught her how to get rid of her calories quick and easy. All she ever wanted from her mother was her love and approval; to finally be perfect for her.
She told Aiden all of this, and he listened and cried when she told him of how her mother told her how no boy would ever want her if she was fat or if she had love handles. She told him of how she thought when her mother died, so would all the demons, but instead she found them in someone else. She needed that comfort. She needed things to stay the same because she really was never truley ready for change. Aiden hugged her tight and thought she felt sharper then usual. He felt as though he could feel all the bones that used to stick out. He could almost picture her, every bone protruding making her like a bag of bones with skin stretched tight over every point. She shuddered and he held her tighter. He wanted to stop it. He wanted to make it okay again. He wanted her to know she was beautiful; the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. She didnt need someone else to make her pretty or perfect. She already was.
Chloe sobbed silently and Aiden pulled her shirt up over her head and lightly tugged down her jeans. He didnt make love to her. Instead he kissed every part of her body, whispering everything he loved into her. Weaving his thoughts into her skin; giving her his fill, without really touching her. He pulled the blankets over them, and they sat in their own little world as the sun came up. It was pitch black under the heavy blanket, but he could see straight through her. He could feel her mind wandering, but he kept her with him. He layed his head on her bare stoumach and placed his hand on her side. Her hand went to his and he squeezed it.
"Thank you, Aiden." she uttered.
He didnt say a word. He knew he didnt have to. She knew everything he thought. Chloe sat and let everything overtake her. Andrew and her mother rushed through her thoughts, and she layed perfectly still, and fought. The room was completly silent, but it was as though there was a whole storm under the blankets.
They slept the whole day, and when Chloe fineally woke up, Aiden wasnt in the bed. She pulled open the curtains and noticed stars were out. She looked around her and candles were dimly lit all around the room. She smiled and grabbed a pair of sweats and a shirt off the ground. She opened the door and heard music softly playing. She saw Aiden on his knees, crying. She ran to him, and he jumped.
"Aiden, whats wrong?! Why are you crying?"
"Because, I cant take this pain from you. I cant make this better, and that is the hardest thing for me. God, I love you so much Chloe. I love you so much."
Chloe stared into his eyes, and felt him collapsing from the inside. She saw his desperation, and felt her heart surge. She really didnt need Andrew. She needed Aiden. He was the one who cared. He was the one who wanted her to be healthy. He was the one...
****************************************************
A few weeks passed, and they didnt talk about that night again. Aiden walked in the door from work, and heard Chloe coughing. He walked into the apartment and called out her name. It went silent. He heard the sink water running and the door open and she walked out. He just looked at her.
"You gettin sick, love?" he asked.
"I think so. I think I've caught something."
Aiden gave her a peck on the cheek and put his stuff down on the couch.
"I got you something." he said, and pulled a white bag out of his briefcase. She looked inside and saw a glazed donut. PErfectly glaxed and shimmering in the overhead lights. She stared at it, and smiled weakly.
"Your favorite!" he said.
"Yeah...thank you very much Aiden." she said. "I'll have it later."
Aiden made dinner and Chloe sat on the couch. "You kow I'm not very hungry. I feel kinda sick. I think I'll go lay down." she walked over to Aiden by the stove and gave the fried chicken a glare, and kissed him on the cheek. Aiden sighed as he watched her walk away. He ate by himself that night, for the third time that week. He watched some tv, and stood out on the balcony, but just couldnt seem to make himself tired. Something was up, because he could feel it straight down to the pit of his stoumach. He could feel her hurting running through his joints. He felt her pain pulse through his nerves, and his bones felt brittle. He finally coaxed himself to sleep.
Chloe looked at Aiden and got out of bed. She went into the living room, and turned on the tv. Then she snatched the white bag, and pulled it open. She stared at it for awhile, then ran to the bathroom and dropped it into the toiolet. It fell with a smack, and she watched it get soggy. She felt sick looking at it, and flushed the toilet. She watched it swirl, and got dizzy. She felt so light-headed she thought she might pass out. She couldnt handle all these treats Aiden was bringing home lately. She pulled up her shirt and pushed her bare back into the wall, and slid down. She felt the cool wall pull her back to earth. Her mind centered and she stared. She wasnt even sure if she was blinking. She felt her gag reflex acting up at the thought of the donut spinning round and round down the toilet and felt her stoumach lurch. She threw herself at the toilet, and felt her stoumach heave. She banged her head on the rim, and cried. She threw up and cried and squeezed the seat until her knuckles were as white as the first snowfall. She felt her stoumach lurch even though nothing was coming out anymore. It hurt so bad, but she knew it would stop.
Aiden stared at her from the doorway with tears streaming down his cheeks. He backed out silently as he had come the moment he heard her slowing down. He layed back down in his bed. This was the sixth time he had seen this act in the middle of the night recently. He grabbed his pillow, and pulled on it. He felt so angry at her. He wanted to scream into her face and slap her out of this and then hold her. He couldnt believe she could be this weak. He felt his anger boil over into a rage. He knew she wouldnt come back to bed for awhile. She didnt sleep much lately. She sat up after these spells, and looked through magazines and watched the fashion shows on e! on repeat. A carbon copy of her mother, he thought. He felt his heart drop into his stoumach as he fineally drifted off to sleep and as his anger slowly subsided.
Chloe sat up, on the couch and rubbed her stoumach. She could feel its anger at what she was doing. She knew that her whole body hated her again. She could tell by the way her mind told her fat everytime she put on a new outfit. She could feel it when she had sex with Aiden and all she could think about was what would be for dinner. She thought of her mother, and hated her. She layed on the couch and slowly drifted into a dreamless sleep. Her life seemed to have lost all its dreams lately, and she really didnt expect them to come back this time.
"Chloe! Chloe!!" he yelled, running onto the beach. "Chloe, baby, I'm sorry. Look I love you. I do. Everything that was said...I know there are things you have to work past, but, I mean, will you stay with me. Pick me."
Chloe looked into his eyes. He smiled at her, and held out his hand. She stared at it and contemplated everything she had thought about these past few hours. She didn’t even feel like herself anymore. She had felt so good at first. She had sworn everything was going to be alright; that this pain would stop as quick as blood stops flowing when you put a band-aid on a wound. She sucked it up and pushed it down, and grabbed his hand.
It was too late though. He saw it. He could feel it. She had hesitated. Every last nerve in his body shuddered, straight down to the bone. He could feel every drop of blood that his heart beat out, turn ice cold. He gripped her hand and bit his lip. He stared into her eyes as he hoisted her to her feet.
Chloe knew he could tell. She had hesitated. She couldn’t help it. Every bone in her body wanted to be touched by him, not Aiden. She swallowed hard, and grabbed his hand as they ambled back towords his apartment.
He slammed the door, and let out a heavy sigh. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He didn’t want to know what it would feel like when she left him. He wanted to be the one to do it, but when he looked up, and he saw her standing there, as hopeless as a small child who still had yet to understand the world. She needed saving, and he wanted to be the one to save her. He wanted to pick her up and scoop her into his arms. He took one step towords her as she took one step back. They both stopped. She turned and ran into the room she stayed in the first night they met.
She crawled into the covers and pulled them up over her head. She could feel her breath on her arm, and taste her tears as they rolled onto her cheeks. She heard the door softly click shut. Even though he didn’t make a sound she knew he was there. She held her breath, trying to hard to hear his thoughts; to feel his pain. She wished to be a sponge, able to absorb every bit of pain she had caused. He knew she was trying to figure out his thoughts. He knew her. It may have not been as long as she had been with Andrew but he already knew every small embarrassing detail about her.
He shuffled over like a scared mouse, and crawled into the bed with her. He brushed his hand over her hair, and onto her cheeks. He kissed every new tear that rolled down.
“Sometimes the ones that are hardest to forget are the ones who treated you the worst. He reminded you of someone didn’t he? Someone who never gave you love. Someone that you wanted so desperately to hug you and hold you and love you.”
Chloe gripped him and cried. She was thinking about her mom. Her mom, who never once put a band-aid on a bloody knee. The woman who never hugged her when somthing went wrong. The woman who taught her about negative calorie foods and to fear carbs. She thought of when her mother would cut out pictures of stick thin models and tape them around all the mirrors and near toilets. She could picture the toothbrushes she put on the back of the toilet so they'd be there when needed. She remebered daily weigh-ins. Her mother would keep a chart of goal weights next to the mirrors and scales and write down every weigh-in. She taught her how to get rid of her calories quick and easy. All she ever wanted from her mother was her love and approval; to finally be perfect for her.
She told Aiden all of this, and he listened and cried when she told him of how her mother told her how no boy would ever want her if she was fat or if she had love handles. She told him of how she thought when her mother died, so would all the demons, but instead she found them in someone else. She needed that comfort. She needed things to stay the same because she really was never truley ready for change. Aiden hugged her tight and thought she felt sharper then usual. He felt as though he could feel all the bones that used to stick out. He could almost picture her, every bone protruding making her like a bag of bones with skin stretched tight over every point. She shuddered and he held her tighter. He wanted to stop it. He wanted to make it okay again. He wanted her to know she was beautiful; the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. She didnt need someone else to make her pretty or perfect. She already was.
Chloe sobbed silently and Aiden pulled her shirt up over her head and lightly tugged down her jeans. He didnt make love to her. Instead he kissed every part of her body, whispering everything he loved into her. Weaving his thoughts into her skin; giving her his fill, without really touching her. He pulled the blankets over them, and they sat in their own little world as the sun came up. It was pitch black under the heavy blanket, but he could see straight through her. He could feel her mind wandering, but he kept her with him. He layed his head on her bare stoumach and placed his hand on her side. Her hand went to his and he squeezed it.
"Thank you, Aiden." she uttered.
He didnt say a word. He knew he didnt have to. She knew everything he thought. Chloe sat and let everything overtake her. Andrew and her mother rushed through her thoughts, and she layed perfectly still, and fought. The room was completly silent, but it was as though there was a whole storm under the blankets.
They slept the whole day, and when Chloe fineally woke up, Aiden wasnt in the bed. She pulled open the curtains and noticed stars were out. She looked around her and candles were dimly lit all around the room. She smiled and grabbed a pair of sweats and a shirt off the ground. She opened the door and heard music softly playing. She saw Aiden on his knees, crying. She ran to him, and he jumped.
"Aiden, whats wrong?! Why are you crying?"
"Because, I cant take this pain from you. I cant make this better, and that is the hardest thing for me. God, I love you so much Chloe. I love you so much."
Chloe stared into his eyes, and felt him collapsing from the inside. She saw his desperation, and felt her heart surge. She really didnt need Andrew. She needed Aiden. He was the one who cared. He was the one who wanted her to be healthy. He was the one...
****************************************************
A few weeks passed, and they didnt talk about that night again. Aiden walked in the door from work, and heard Chloe coughing. He walked into the apartment and called out her name. It went silent. He heard the sink water running and the door open and she walked out. He just looked at her.
"You gettin sick, love?" he asked.
"I think so. I think I've caught something."
Aiden gave her a peck on the cheek and put his stuff down on the couch.
"I got you something." he said, and pulled a white bag out of his briefcase. She looked inside and saw a glazed donut. PErfectly glaxed and shimmering in the overhead lights. She stared at it, and smiled weakly.
"Your favorite!" he said.
"Yeah...thank you very much Aiden." she said. "I'll have it later."
Aiden made dinner and Chloe sat on the couch. "You kow I'm not very hungry. I feel kinda sick. I think I'll go lay down." she walked over to Aiden by the stove and gave the fried chicken a glare, and kissed him on the cheek. Aiden sighed as he watched her walk away. He ate by himself that night, for the third time that week. He watched some tv, and stood out on the balcony, but just couldnt seem to make himself tired. Something was up, because he could feel it straight down to the pit of his stoumach. He could feel her hurting running through his joints. He felt her pain pulse through his nerves, and his bones felt brittle. He finally coaxed himself to sleep.
Chloe looked at Aiden and got out of bed. She went into the living room, and turned on the tv. Then she snatched the white bag, and pulled it open. She stared at it for awhile, then ran to the bathroom and dropped it into the toiolet. It fell with a smack, and she watched it get soggy. She felt sick looking at it, and flushed the toilet. She watched it swirl, and got dizzy. She felt so light-headed she thought she might pass out. She couldnt handle all these treats Aiden was bringing home lately. She pulled up her shirt and pushed her bare back into the wall, and slid down. She felt the cool wall pull her back to earth. Her mind centered and she stared. She wasnt even sure if she was blinking. She felt her gag reflex acting up at the thought of the donut spinning round and round down the toilet and felt her stoumach lurch. She threw herself at the toilet, and felt her stoumach heave. She banged her head on the rim, and cried. She threw up and cried and squeezed the seat until her knuckles were as white as the first snowfall. She felt her stoumach lurch even though nothing was coming out anymore. It hurt so bad, but she knew it would stop.
Aiden stared at her from the doorway with tears streaming down his cheeks. He backed out silently as he had come the moment he heard her slowing down. He layed back down in his bed. This was the sixth time he had seen this act in the middle of the night recently. He grabbed his pillow, and pulled on it. He felt so angry at her. He wanted to scream into her face and slap her out of this and then hold her. He couldnt believe she could be this weak. He felt his anger boil over into a rage. He knew she wouldnt come back to bed for awhile. She didnt sleep much lately. She sat up after these spells, and looked through magazines and watched the fashion shows on e! on repeat. A carbon copy of her mother, he thought. He felt his heart drop into his stoumach as he fineally drifted off to sleep and as his anger slowly subsided.
Chloe sat up, on the couch and rubbed her stoumach. She could feel its anger at what she was doing. She knew that her whole body hated her again. She could tell by the way her mind told her fat everytime she put on a new outfit. She could feel it when she had sex with Aiden and all she could think about was what would be for dinner. She thought of her mother, and hated her. She layed on the couch and slowly drifted into a dreamless sleep. Her life seemed to have lost all its dreams lately, and she really didnt expect them to come back this time.