*Sad face*
So this whole week I've been deciding my schedule for my senior year, and deciding my summer, and the rest of my life... And this is what it seems so far--
My life just might be falling apart.
My schedule next year is supposed to be AP Calculus, AP Statistics, AP Studio Art, Honors Portfolio, Photography IV H (and possibly V), Forensic Science, and Anatomy & Physiology. PLUS I want to take 5th block Ceramics. PLUS I am trying to take a few night classes over at USCB
That's not why my life is falling apart.
I feel like my goal is getting further and further away. I'm sick of school, I just want to be done, but I have at LEAST 13 years left. It all seems so impossible to me.
Also, I wanted to go to the California State Summer School for the Arts. It's about $5000 not oncluding flying my ass out there. 1) they only accept 20 out of state kids, 2) Photography major is extremely limited, even to in state students, and 3) financial aid is only available to California residents. So I have a slim chance of getting in anyway, and IF I do, I'll have to find a way to make 5 grand... not the easiest task in the world.
I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know where to go, what to do.
Oh and that kid Troy-- he asked me out again. I said I didn't know. So he asked me the next day, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted (even though I'm pretty sure he's not hwat I want, that's not what I meant). I don't know if I want to be in any kind of relationship with a dude. This isn't about Troy anymore though... my friend told me I need to find a boyfriend, for my health - lol. But i don't know if it's a good idea or not. I mean, I'm lonely as all hell, but a boyfriend... I haven't had that for 2 years. I'm not sure if I'm sick of being single or if I enjoy the freedom.
And I also hooked up with David the other day. I'm starting to get the feeling that he only keeps me aroung because he wants to fuck me. And I'm also not really sure if I like that or not. I mean, I don't tbink I like David like that so if I did do him it'd be for the same reason I suspect he's friends with me. But I'm not sure if I want to be used like that, no matter if I'd enjoy it at the time or not.
I'm kinda lost on what I want and where my priorities are right now. And I'm low in the whole self-esteem thing (but I guess I've never been high in that area) and I just kinda hurt right now; because I don't know what I want or what I should do. I feel so lost. Everyting feels so wrong. There's only one thing I'm sure I want, or at least wish I had. But maybe I just want him because that's the only constant thing I have, or maybe because I can't have him. I just need some one or some thing to hold on to.
My life just might be falling apart.
My schedule next year is supposed to be AP Calculus, AP Statistics, AP Studio Art, Honors Portfolio, Photography IV H (and possibly V), Forensic Science, and Anatomy & Physiology. PLUS I want to take 5th block Ceramics. PLUS I am trying to take a few night classes over at USCB
That's not why my life is falling apart.
I feel like my goal is getting further and further away. I'm sick of school, I just want to be done, but I have at LEAST 13 years left. It all seems so impossible to me.
Also, I wanted to go to the California State Summer School for the Arts. It's about $5000 not oncluding flying my ass out there. 1) they only accept 20 out of state kids, 2) Photography major is extremely limited, even to in state students, and 3) financial aid is only available to California residents. So I have a slim chance of getting in anyway, and IF I do, I'll have to find a way to make 5 grand... not the easiest task in the world.
I just don't know what I want anymore. I don't know where to go, what to do.
Oh and that kid Troy-- he asked me out again. I said I didn't know. So he asked me the next day, and I said I wasn't sure what I wanted (even though I'm pretty sure he's not hwat I want, that's not what I meant). I don't know if I want to be in any kind of relationship with a dude. This isn't about Troy anymore though... my friend told me I need to find a boyfriend, for my health - lol. But i don't know if it's a good idea or not. I mean, I'm lonely as all hell, but a boyfriend... I haven't had that for 2 years. I'm not sure if I'm sick of being single or if I enjoy the freedom.
And I also hooked up with David the other day. I'm starting to get the feeling that he only keeps me aroung because he wants to fuck me. And I'm also not really sure if I like that or not. I mean, I don't tbink I like David like that so if I did do him it'd be for the same reason I suspect he's friends with me. But I'm not sure if I want to be used like that, no matter if I'd enjoy it at the time or not.
I'm kinda lost on what I want and where my priorities are right now. And I'm low in the whole self-esteem thing (but I guess I've never been high in that area) and I just kinda hurt right now; because I don't know what I want or what I should do. I feel so lost. Everyting feels so wrong. There's only one thing I'm sure I want, or at least wish I had. But maybe I just want him because that's the only constant thing I have, or maybe because I can't have him. I just need some one or some thing to hold on to.