Apr 20, 2005 16:36
II really wonder what it is that I do to people.
Do I do the wrong things? Say the wrong words at all of the wrong moments? Do I make them feel unworthy or unappreciative?
I meet people, they add me, we get along great for a while, then it's like some amazing force of magical strength comes along, and they just disappear.
You can't go back, you can't save anything, no matter how many questions you ask yourself or try to find answers to. It just doesn't amount to a whole hell of a fucking lot; because all they do is erase any memory of who you were or are.
I can go to someones' journal or diary, leave a message or a small note of something, just anything, or I can just be random.
But when I go back to look over those journals or diaries, I see that those messages have been deleted. Erased like the memory of me, erased the way that they want me to be. I always feel like shit afterwards too.
No, I'm not shouting victim, or anything else. I just don't know what it is that I do to drive people away, what it is that I fuck up so much that makes them want to stay away.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry I'm too dramatic. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that I say "I'm sorry" all the fucking time.
I'm sorry that I became nonexistant to those of you who deleted my words, emotions and much more by default of your fingers.
I know I'm not a plague. I know I'm not that harmful to a person, and if I am, I would love to fucking know what it is that I am always doing wrong.
But, then again, no one reads this journal anyway, so everything I have just said is pretty much obsolete.
So. Just. Fuck it.