What's if?
What a crazy and intricate world we live in, even when things seem so simple and 2 dimensional, they never really are. I think what amazes me the most is how fast it goes, even when it feels like it's crawling. What I find most perplexing about life, is how awfully confusing it is. How, all these elements can leave you feeling breathless, helpless and leave you asking so many questions that just can't be answered. I don't know though, maybe it's like that for a reason? I guess if it wasn't, it would be boring?.. uneventful?... unrealistic? Hmmm... so many questions. Days like today; days in which I ask myself these questions, always leave me with an almost euphoric feeling. Like it gives me some glimpse of a purpose, or something to work on answering for myself.
What if I knew the answers, what if I knew exactly how everything was going to end up? If I knew what I'd ultimately be doing for the rest of my life.. if I made it to a ripe old age.. if Logan and I lasted.. if I achieved what I dream of in the now... what if? Would things be better, would it give me more of a purpose, or would it leave me completely unmotivated to thrive. It's kind of like the thought of not being in control of our own destiny's, like the idea of God for example: that he has marked some divine plan for us all, without every little choice or room for adjustment. I don't like those notions at all. If anything, it depresses me.. but you still have to wonder. It's so overwhelmingly amazing.. actually I think the word amazing is inaccurate to describe it.
My ultimate goal I suppose is to just make and mold my own future into how I see fit, but what does that mean exactly? Does it mean I deny the possibility that my life already has a set path? I don't even know if I can truthfully answer that. I'm not saying that I am now questioning my Athletism, because I am definitely not, I am just saying.. what if?
I really enjoy and loathe at the same time, how fast and how much things change even in the short term. It makes me feel as if I am forming and living multiple lives. Like, I lived one life for so long until something drastic changed my way of living, which then in turn made me forge new beginnings or a new person entirely. Why do I say this? I'm not trying to be cynical-really- but I do believe it to be truth. I myself am NOT the same person now that I was several months ago. My life changed-for the better-which made me into who-what I am RIGHT now, and sooner or later I'll likely be forced into the same motion: something will dramatically change in my life that will utterly force me into a new existence. Fuck, that's so overwhelming. I almost wish I was completely void of any kind of feelings or emotions and that in turn had little effect on my sorroundings. What if I was an apathetic, unsympathetic, asexual being? How would my life be then? Would I be in a completely different spot than now? Would I be happier-okay I guess that question need not apply. What if I was to change the way I acted, or reacted. How would that change my life in the now? Would of my ex and I been able to avoid conflicts that ultimately lead to our demise, but then if that was so I definitely wouldn't be where I am now, what does that tell you? What is happiness? How do we know what we want? IN the same note, what is love then? I realize my thoughts/ramblings have probably become too unorganized for coherant thought, but they still raise interesting contemplative questions. Questions I don't think I want the answers to.
I am content with life in the now. I have love in my life, I am on my way to becoming who I see myself-whether or not that changes remains to be seen- the fact of the matter is, you need to take what life throws at you, in whatever circumstance. Yet, I am still left with the question of, what if?
What if I knew the answers, what if I knew exactly how everything was going to end up? If I knew what I'd ultimately be doing for the rest of my life.. if I made it to a ripe old age.. if Logan and I lasted.. if I achieved what I dream of in the now... what if? Would things be better, would it give me more of a purpose, or would it leave me completely unmotivated to thrive. It's kind of like the thought of not being in control of our own destiny's, like the idea of God for example: that he has marked some divine plan for us all, without every little choice or room for adjustment. I don't like those notions at all. If anything, it depresses me.. but you still have to wonder. It's so overwhelmingly amazing.. actually I think the word amazing is inaccurate to describe it.
My ultimate goal I suppose is to just make and mold my own future into how I see fit, but what does that mean exactly? Does it mean I deny the possibility that my life already has a set path? I don't even know if I can truthfully answer that. I'm not saying that I am now questioning my Athletism, because I am definitely not, I am just saying.. what if?
I really enjoy and loathe at the same time, how fast and how much things change even in the short term. It makes me feel as if I am forming and living multiple lives. Like, I lived one life for so long until something drastic changed my way of living, which then in turn made me forge new beginnings or a new person entirely. Why do I say this? I'm not trying to be cynical-really- but I do believe it to be truth. I myself am NOT the same person now that I was several months ago. My life changed-for the better-which made me into who-what I am RIGHT now, and sooner or later I'll likely be forced into the same motion: something will dramatically change in my life that will utterly force me into a new existence. Fuck, that's so overwhelming. I almost wish I was completely void of any kind of feelings or emotions and that in turn had little effect on my sorroundings. What if I was an apathetic, unsympathetic, asexual being? How would my life be then? Would I be in a completely different spot than now? Would I be happier-okay I guess that question need not apply. What if I was to change the way I acted, or reacted. How would that change my life in the now? Would of my ex and I been able to avoid conflicts that ultimately lead to our demise, but then if that was so I definitely wouldn't be where I am now, what does that tell you? What is happiness? How do we know what we want? IN the same note, what is love then? I realize my thoughts/ramblings have probably become too unorganized for coherant thought, but they still raise interesting contemplative questions. Questions I don't think I want the answers to.
I am content with life in the now. I have love in my life, I am on my way to becoming who I see myself-whether or not that changes remains to be seen- the fact of the matter is, you need to take what life throws at you, in whatever circumstance. Yet, I am still left with the question of, what if?