College crap
Posting again after how long? Anyway.
So this is the third day off from school we've gotten because of the snowstorm/blizzard/artic hurricane/surprise storm/thundersnow on the 12th. It's super exciting. And even though we just got power back at my place yesterday afternoon, my family took refuge in my dad's place in Pittsburgh so were all toasty over the weekend. Good deal. :D
And now I'm attempting to actually get something done after bumming around all weekend because November 1, Yale's Early Action deadline is so freaking close it makes me want to cry. But I can't because just on Sunday my dad discovered three white hairs growing from my scalp so I have to stop stressing or else I'll be completely white by like 2020. And that would be awfuulll.
But try as I might, just looking at these college applications creates this panic inside me. What makes me think I could possibly get into Yale? What? I have no idea. There are thousands of other students with equally good credentials and thousands who are even better? It makes me think, "Why bother?" And then that voice in my head goes "If you don't apply, you'll never know..." So I continue thinking about what to write for my essay, hating every sentence I put down, deliberating between using a paper or internet application. Alternately, each option appeals to me-it's extremely annoying and I wish there was only one way so I would have one less thing to think about.
And then there's my piano recording that my mom let me make at the studio. I hated it while it was being done. I hate it retrospect. I don't ever want to listen to it. And yet my mom already paid for the studio time, I spent that time from my life doing it. I have to use it. And now I start reading these guidelines from these universities. Stanford: "Typically, applicants who submit a recording have achieved recognition at the regional, state, national, or international level." Or something to that general effect. What. I have never participated in a piano competition. I still have a fear of performing that I can't get over. And I'm not a completely serious pianist. More serious than most teens who take piano lessons, but definitely not nearly as serious as I could be. So should I submit? Or will that make me look like I have an overblown ego, thus actually weakening my application.
And Stanford is just a college that I only care about a little teeny bit. Yale, on their site says that they don't want recordings that show elementary playing or merely competent playing. How do I know if I'm just competent? From my memory of the recording session (I haven't gotten the master CD yet to pick tracks-that storm screwed everything up), it was not my best playing. Something kept going wrong and my mom refuses to let me edit the tracks. Even just snipping out the very beginning where I had to start over. But I can't think about that because it simultaneously makes me want to punch someone, die, and give up hope altogether. Yeah, it's a pretty extreme response. But what can I do to change? Anyway, back to determining my level of playing. I don't think anyone would tell me that I'm just competent even if I was. And no one would tell me I'm extraordinary or exceptional because that would be a lie. But that's what these colleges (well other than Pitt) are looking for. So how do I know? And naturally I don't want to overwhelm the admissions officers with just okay stuff. God knows my essays are going to be merely competent to begin with.
I guess I just need to get this out of my system and into print. Maybe one of you guys will have something to say that will make me feel a little bit better. Maybe you won't and I'll totally understand because college applications in general just kind of blows everyone's minds. Maybe a college admissions person will read this and think "What an amazing discourse on the problems of applying to college! We should revamp the system somehow!" Orrr not. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look back at this and chuckle at how worried I was over nothing.
Why do I even care about where I go?
So this is the third day off from school we've gotten because of the snowstorm/blizzard/artic hurricane/surprise storm/thundersnow on the 12th. It's super exciting. And even though we just got power back at my place yesterday afternoon, my family took refuge in my dad's place in Pittsburgh so were all toasty over the weekend. Good deal. :D
And now I'm attempting to actually get something done after bumming around all weekend because November 1, Yale's Early Action deadline is so freaking close it makes me want to cry. But I can't because just on Sunday my dad discovered three white hairs growing from my scalp so I have to stop stressing or else I'll be completely white by like 2020. And that would be awfuulll.
But try as I might, just looking at these college applications creates this panic inside me. What makes me think I could possibly get into Yale? What? I have no idea. There are thousands of other students with equally good credentials and thousands who are even better? It makes me think, "Why bother?" And then that voice in my head goes "If you don't apply, you'll never know..." So I continue thinking about what to write for my essay, hating every sentence I put down, deliberating between using a paper or internet application. Alternately, each option appeals to me-it's extremely annoying and I wish there was only one way so I would have one less thing to think about.
And then there's my piano recording that my mom let me make at the studio. I hated it while it was being done. I hate it retrospect. I don't ever want to listen to it. And yet my mom already paid for the studio time, I spent that time from my life doing it. I have to use it. And now I start reading these guidelines from these universities. Stanford: "Typically, applicants who submit a recording have achieved recognition at the regional, state, national, or international level." Or something to that general effect. What. I have never participated in a piano competition. I still have a fear of performing that I can't get over. And I'm not a completely serious pianist. More serious than most teens who take piano lessons, but definitely not nearly as serious as I could be. So should I submit? Or will that make me look like I have an overblown ego, thus actually weakening my application.
And Stanford is just a college that I only care about a little teeny bit. Yale, on their site says that they don't want recordings that show elementary playing or merely competent playing. How do I know if I'm just competent? From my memory of the recording session (I haven't gotten the master CD yet to pick tracks-that storm screwed everything up), it was not my best playing. Something kept going wrong and my mom refuses to let me edit the tracks. Even just snipping out the very beginning where I had to start over. But I can't think about that because it simultaneously makes me want to punch someone, die, and give up hope altogether. Yeah, it's a pretty extreme response. But what can I do to change? Anyway, back to determining my level of playing. I don't think anyone would tell me that I'm just competent even if I was. And no one would tell me I'm extraordinary or exceptional because that would be a lie. But that's what these colleges (well other than Pitt) are looking for. So how do I know? And naturally I don't want to overwhelm the admissions officers with just okay stuff. God knows my essays are going to be merely competent to begin with.
I guess I just need to get this out of my system and into print. Maybe one of you guys will have something to say that will make me feel a little bit better. Maybe you won't and I'll totally understand because college applications in general just kind of blows everyone's minds. Maybe a college admissions person will read this and think "What an amazing discourse on the problems of applying to college! We should revamp the system somehow!" Orrr not. Maybe one day, I'll be able to look back at this and chuckle at how worried I was over nothing.
Why do I even care about where I go?