Dribble drabble
I am in very deep water and I have forgotten how to stay afloat. Perhaps, I am trying to tread water, but am somehow unable. Maybe I am falling from a great height and completely powerless to stop plummeting towards the ground. Regardless, the feeling is the same: I’m flailing - trying to find something to grab onto, but my hands are meeting air. Dead, empty air.
If something appears - anything - and if it looks like it could be solid, I will grab it. It might not be solid at all. It might make it worse. Most likely, if it’s not designed for grabbing onto when falling from great heights or floundering around in deep waters, it will soon break apart.
Luckily, I have been here before, and I know what to do. Build something. I need walls with rails on the sides to grab onto, and soft, solid ground. That’s it. For me, routine is everything.
When I find myself to be in a state of perpetual distraction, inability to focus, boredom, the first steps are to write it down. Many times, I have chosen to write it down here. Beginning last week, I noticed that something was wrong - unusually so - while on the way to gym at 6am on a Wednesday morning. I had cramps and my stomach was bloated, because it was the first day of my cycle. But worst of all, I felt fearful of remaining that way, trapped. In something almost like panic, I reassured myself that it was transient. I noticed a fleeting thought "I know why people kill themselves"...
Just because you have thoughts like these, does not mean you need to act on them. It was more disconcerting rather than outright worriesome. So I made an appointment with my doctor on the Friday. I then filled a script for my medication, and thankfully found that the usual brand name version was back on the market (zoloft). I am really releived at this because I suspect the generic brand was not working for me as well.
Monday was also a relatively unproductive day, but I had Tuesday off, during which I felt a little irritable for most of the day. I got up at my usual time of 5:30am (well, usual now that I'm acting more like myself again - finally!), did a work out and then did some shopping with Mum, had a (very brief) nap of about 40 minutes and then another work out at 5:30pm. Wednesday was also unproductive. Today is Thursday and I'm becoming more concerned and agitated by my inability to stay focused. My focus is what has been propelling my career development forward over the last six months - much more than it ever has.
Then, I remembered that I have hockey training tonight. And I felt a soft surface beneath my feet, grabbed the side rails to steady myself, and found my head back above water again. It's amazing what little skill I have in this sport that so often rescues me. Thankfully, it's not the only thing.
If something appears - anything - and if it looks like it could be solid, I will grab it. It might not be solid at all. It might make it worse. Most likely, if it’s not designed for grabbing onto when falling from great heights or floundering around in deep waters, it will soon break apart.
Luckily, I have been here before, and I know what to do. Build something. I need walls with rails on the sides to grab onto, and soft, solid ground. That’s it. For me, routine is everything.
When I find myself to be in a state of perpetual distraction, inability to focus, boredom, the first steps are to write it down. Many times, I have chosen to write it down here. Beginning last week, I noticed that something was wrong - unusually so - while on the way to gym at 6am on a Wednesday morning. I had cramps and my stomach was bloated, because it was the first day of my cycle. But worst of all, I felt fearful of remaining that way, trapped. In something almost like panic, I reassured myself that it was transient. I noticed a fleeting thought "I know why people kill themselves"...
Just because you have thoughts like these, does not mean you need to act on them. It was more disconcerting rather than outright worriesome. So I made an appointment with my doctor on the Friday. I then filled a script for my medication, and thankfully found that the usual brand name version was back on the market (zoloft). I am really releived at this because I suspect the generic brand was not working for me as well.
Monday was also a relatively unproductive day, but I had Tuesday off, during which I felt a little irritable for most of the day. I got up at my usual time of 5:30am (well, usual now that I'm acting more like myself again - finally!), did a work out and then did some shopping with Mum, had a (very brief) nap of about 40 minutes and then another work out at 5:30pm. Wednesday was also unproductive. Today is Thursday and I'm becoming more concerned and agitated by my inability to stay focused. My focus is what has been propelling my career development forward over the last six months - much more than it ever has.
Then, I remembered that I have hockey training tonight. And I felt a soft surface beneath my feet, grabbed the side rails to steady myself, and found my head back above water again. It's amazing what little skill I have in this sport that so often rescues me. Thankfully, it's not the only thing.