(no subject)
So you would think a three hour car ride with a stranger would be enough to send my anxiety into over drive.
So did I.
But sitting in the passenger seat, this woman never made more sense.
She told me I was smart. Clearly, I had it together. Clearly, I have a lot going for me.
She said I should make movies, that I should get out of this state. Make art. That I should see things, do things. That I shouldn't get stuck here, sucked in for half the pay, pigeon-toed into a part time gig.
No. She didn't want that to happen to me.
When I explained my life, my circumstances, my bad luck, she laughed.
"Oh its perfect timing, don't you see? It's the perfect moment in your life to do what you want, to be free, to go, explore and nothing, no one is going to hold you back."
Whether it was the delirium from lack of sleep or listening to 'Withering Heights' book-on-cd for the last hour, she started to make total sense. Maybe her enthusiasm helped. Her conviction.
I believed her.
And she's right.
I should get out. I should do something. I should do anything. Here's this amazing opportunity in my life to set my own goals, my own standards, my own rules and there's no one I have to worry about, no one I have to make happy but me.
For so much I of my life I've let other people dictate my plans, both directly and indirectly. For so much of it, I've let people push me around, force me into choices I didn't want. I've created so much resentment for people constantly trying to tell me what to do its only created the opposite problem. I got lazy both out of fear and out of resentment for never being allowed to take my time and my own choosing.
So here's my choice. And I don't know what it will be, but its liberating knowing I have that option.
So did I.
But sitting in the passenger seat, this woman never made more sense.
She told me I was smart. Clearly, I had it together. Clearly, I have a lot going for me.
She said I should make movies, that I should get out of this state. Make art. That I should see things, do things. That I shouldn't get stuck here, sucked in for half the pay, pigeon-toed into a part time gig.
No. She didn't want that to happen to me.
When I explained my life, my circumstances, my bad luck, she laughed.
"Oh its perfect timing, don't you see? It's the perfect moment in your life to do what you want, to be free, to go, explore and nothing, no one is going to hold you back."
Whether it was the delirium from lack of sleep or listening to 'Withering Heights' book-on-cd for the last hour, she started to make total sense. Maybe her enthusiasm helped. Her conviction.
I believed her.
And she's right.
I should get out. I should do something. I should do anything. Here's this amazing opportunity in my life to set my own goals, my own standards, my own rules and there's no one I have to worry about, no one I have to make happy but me.
For so much I of my life I've let other people dictate my plans, both directly and indirectly. For so much of it, I've let people push me around, force me into choices I didn't want. I've created so much resentment for people constantly trying to tell me what to do its only created the opposite problem. I got lazy both out of fear and out of resentment for never being allowed to take my time and my own choosing.
So here's my choice. And I don't know what it will be, but its liberating knowing I have that option.