(no subject)
I really don't care who's reading this.
I really don't care what you think of me, or of what I've had to say lately.
I really don't.
Because something happens when you hit the bottom.
Nothing else really matters.
So you can all think I'm taking this way too hard or that I just need to get over it or that I'm mental, crazy or even a bitch. But the truth is I'm not taking this well, that my heart is broken and I've lost all belief or identity.
Its nearly 3 in the morning and I've been tossing and turning, wrapped in my comfort my bed, trying to sleep and rid my brain of every toxic thought. Screaming over and over at myself why I ask stupid questions when I know I won't want to hear the answers. Laying there in the complete darkness crying my eyes out. Cradled with my knees to my chest trying to understand why all this is happening and why I can't just go to sleep.
I've tried so hard to forge on with this, to turn to God for everything but I feel so abandoned. I can't lie.
I feel totally alone in this. I feel like God isn't hearing me, ignoring my pleas.
I don't understand how one day you can act with concern and the next push me aside for some blonde twenty year old who strokes your ego the right way. And I know that's not the point, you're pushing yourself into anything to distract from your loneliness and build up the confidence I so coyly destroyed but I can't help but suffer the wrath of that sting. I can't understand how everyone else is so fucking happy.
I can't understand why everywhere I look everyone is getting married, fulling themselves with that they dreamed and I'm left standing alone like damaged goods.
I really believed in you and I really really believed in us.
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I was settling. Maybe it really wasn't all that I ever dreamed it would.
But I wish it didn't hurt so damn much.
I hate that this ending took me away from myself.
That I've been pulled and torn from everything I thought I knew. I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I'm still doing here.
I'm stuck. Every minute I plotting my way out it, of this, but another roadblock and I'm stuck.
I can't help but feel bitter, anger and resentment. Why do you get to control everything, why did you get control where this relationship lived and died. Why do you get to be happy.
Why did I have to lose myself into something that ultimately meant nothing.
Why now can I not find a job. Why now am I realizing that I'm not meant what I studied five years for. Why now do I desperately need to flee this place but have no where to go. Why now am I suddenly looking around and finding none of friends I thought I had. Why now is all this mounting against me while I'm already underwater.
I'm in a bitter, lonely dark place and I hate it here.
Every morning I wake up is another reminder of everything I don't have and can't seem to find.
Everyday is another attempt to move and seeing my feet glued to the floor.
People tell me things happen for a reason, that without dark there can be no light, without pain, there can be no growth. But to them I wonder, I really don't think anyone was meant for this kind of suffering.
Melodramatic you think?
Maybe. I've always had a bit for the theatrics.
But the truth is I still hurt. I hurt for all the above. Hurt because rejection and betrayal is the worst poison to swallow. I hurt because all the dreams I once had are now shattered on the ground. I hurt because I really believed. In you. In us. But maybe I never really believed in me. I hurt because I'm a God fearing Christian who is desperately trying to cling to what faith I can muster and have found myself trying not to lose that last thread.
I feel so totally and completely alone. Stuck. Hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed. As if another notch of failure as been added to my already growing and mounting list.
Hopeless. That's the one that scares me the most.
Like this is it for me, just a life of hopelessness. Like nothing better will come along, like nothing good is ever going to happen again. This is it. All these emotions and feelings and hopelessness. Brokenness.
So here I am. At 3 in the morning. Crying in the dark like this cracked fragile thing, tossed aside, by you, by God, by anyone and everyone.
But I don't care anymore who knows it. I'm not fucking perfect and I'm tired of putting on this show that everything is okay. That I'm fine, bouncing back, living life, enjoying my freedom. Well I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not fine. I'm not bouncing back, not living life and not enjoying my freedom.
I'm lost. Confused. Heartbroken. I don't know who I am or what I even stand for anymore.
I really don't care what you think of me, or of what I've had to say lately.
I really don't.
Because something happens when you hit the bottom.
Nothing else really matters.
So you can all think I'm taking this way too hard or that I just need to get over it or that I'm mental, crazy or even a bitch. But the truth is I'm not taking this well, that my heart is broken and I've lost all belief or identity.
Its nearly 3 in the morning and I've been tossing and turning, wrapped in my comfort my bed, trying to sleep and rid my brain of every toxic thought. Screaming over and over at myself why I ask stupid questions when I know I won't want to hear the answers. Laying there in the complete darkness crying my eyes out. Cradled with my knees to my chest trying to understand why all this is happening and why I can't just go to sleep.
I've tried so hard to forge on with this, to turn to God for everything but I feel so abandoned. I can't lie.
I feel totally alone in this. I feel like God isn't hearing me, ignoring my pleas.
I don't understand how one day you can act with concern and the next push me aside for some blonde twenty year old who strokes your ego the right way. And I know that's not the point, you're pushing yourself into anything to distract from your loneliness and build up the confidence I so coyly destroyed but I can't help but suffer the wrath of that sting. I can't understand how everyone else is so fucking happy.
I can't understand why everywhere I look everyone is getting married, fulling themselves with that they dreamed and I'm left standing alone like damaged goods.
I really believed in you and I really really believed in us.
Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I was settling. Maybe it really wasn't all that I ever dreamed it would.
But I wish it didn't hurt so damn much.
I hate that this ending took me away from myself.
That I've been pulled and torn from everything I thought I knew. I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I'm still doing here.
I'm stuck. Every minute I plotting my way out it, of this, but another roadblock and I'm stuck.
I can't help but feel bitter, anger and resentment. Why do you get to control everything, why did you get control where this relationship lived and died. Why do you get to be happy.
Why did I have to lose myself into something that ultimately meant nothing.
Why now can I not find a job. Why now am I realizing that I'm not meant what I studied five years for. Why now do I desperately need to flee this place but have no where to go. Why now am I suddenly looking around and finding none of friends I thought I had. Why now is all this mounting against me while I'm already underwater.
I'm in a bitter, lonely dark place and I hate it here.
Every morning I wake up is another reminder of everything I don't have and can't seem to find.
Everyday is another attempt to move and seeing my feet glued to the floor.
People tell me things happen for a reason, that without dark there can be no light, without pain, there can be no growth. But to them I wonder, I really don't think anyone was meant for this kind of suffering.
Melodramatic you think?
Maybe. I've always had a bit for the theatrics.
But the truth is I still hurt. I hurt for all the above. Hurt because rejection and betrayal is the worst poison to swallow. I hurt because all the dreams I once had are now shattered on the ground. I hurt because I really believed. In you. In us. But maybe I never really believed in me. I hurt because I'm a God fearing Christian who is desperately trying to cling to what faith I can muster and have found myself trying not to lose that last thread.
I feel so totally and completely alone. Stuck. Hurt. Disappointed. Ashamed. As if another notch of failure as been added to my already growing and mounting list.
Hopeless. That's the one that scares me the most.
Like this is it for me, just a life of hopelessness. Like nothing better will come along, like nothing good is ever going to happen again. This is it. All these emotions and feelings and hopelessness. Brokenness.
So here I am. At 3 in the morning. Crying in the dark like this cracked fragile thing, tossed aside, by you, by God, by anyone and everyone.
But I don't care anymore who knows it. I'm not fucking perfect and I'm tired of putting on this show that everything is okay. That I'm fine, bouncing back, living life, enjoying my freedom. Well I'm not. I'm not okay. I'm not fine. I'm not bouncing back, not living life and not enjoying my freedom.
I'm lost. Confused. Heartbroken. I don't know who I am or what I even stand for anymore.