I have simply wanted an object to crave...
... but you, you're not allowed. you're uninvited, unfortunately.
Jack Kerouac said "Give them what they secretly desire and they immediately become panic-stricken" and as I have quoted him before, it still repeats itself in my mind on a regular basis. I'm not sure if I've graced livejournal with my musings about the infamous cinderella complex... but I'm sure you could guess at it... the point? It's quite possible that what I want could be offered to me and I'd still turn it down. Why? I don't know. I don't understand myself sometimes. I could list for you all the things that I want, but when they are handed to me I turn them away... not because they are not good enough, but because I am somehow convinced that it is too easy, too available and therefore untrustworthy. That's what it is... I seem to have lost my naive and blind trust in people, or perhaps it's the trust in myself that I have lost. I have become quite guarded with myself lately... "self-preservation is what's really goin' on today..." And I don't know what to do about it. I've found myself in a muted tone of jade lately, and I don't think it's a very good color on me. but the more I look, the more I think, the bolder the color gets. I'm putting more and more faith into what Danielle said (in so many words) "It's a lot easier to say that you don't believe in something than it is to admit that you're afraid of it." So I have to ask myself subjectively: "Is it non-existent, or are you just scared?"...*
Jack Kerouac said "Give them what they secretly desire and they immediately become panic-stricken" and as I have quoted him before, it still repeats itself in my mind on a regular basis. I'm not sure if I've graced livejournal with my musings about the infamous cinderella complex... but I'm sure you could guess at it... the point? It's quite possible that what I want could be offered to me and I'd still turn it down. Why? I don't know. I don't understand myself sometimes. I could list for you all the things that I want, but when they are handed to me I turn them away... not because they are not good enough, but because I am somehow convinced that it is too easy, too available and therefore untrustworthy. That's what it is... I seem to have lost my naive and blind trust in people, or perhaps it's the trust in myself that I have lost. I have become quite guarded with myself lately... "self-preservation is what's really goin' on today..." And I don't know what to do about it. I've found myself in a muted tone of jade lately, and I don't think it's a very good color on me. but the more I look, the more I think, the bolder the color gets. I'm putting more and more faith into what Danielle said (in so many words) "It's a lot easier to say that you don't believe in something than it is to admit that you're afraid of it." So I have to ask myself subjectively: "Is it non-existent, or are you just scared?"...*