bittersweet graduation
I am so full of uncertainty...and it is the worst feeling I've ever felt. I've had more lumps in my throat, stomach problems, heart scares, and lots of other physical reactions to all this graduation crap that I will have to adjust to in the coming weeks.
Most people are emo about leaving and moving away. But at least they are going somewhere, getting on with their lives. All I feel is regret and loads of self-criticism. I hate how I bullshitted my way through college. I hate how I totally did NOT take advantage of everything I could have acquired profesionally. I hate how I only live for the present and never care about the future until it has arrived. Well I'm graduating in 4 days; the "future" of so many years is nearly here. And while I'm excited, it will be terrible b/c it's not even anything for me to be proud of. Everyone graduates nowadays; it's no big deal anymore. I have accomplished nothing, academically speaking, I haven't sought any jobs, but am still complaining, I haven't earned anything higher than a C in ANY of my major's requirements, no matter how much I try or change my ways, with the exception of physics which I rocked. I hate how all my efforts in studying this semester have come to no avail and I that I missed a lot of the social aspects, which all my friends have been able to do since there is clearly supposed to be more time in a senior's schedule. That's what I get for failing a class and then paying for it by having to take more later, so I can graduate and get this horrible academic experience over already! 20.5 credits this semester was INSANE and for someone trying so hard to change her study habits and lifestyle, it was SO hard, given that I am graduating and everyone around me is an academic superstar without trying.
A positive thing to note is my close friends whom I have acquired this semester. Without realizing, I've befriended and gotten clsoe to wonderful people who happen to not be graduating, and it has helped me to keep studying and keep my head in undergrad, b/c these are the people who care about their performance right now. My core friends change every semester, and each year they mold perfectly with my needs. (Not that the others do not count anymore, but they play much less leader type roles in everyday life)
It's not that classes are hard, I just haven't put as much effort into what I was supposed to (my studies) until now, as I should have, since 2002. And because I slept though the bio basics, I can't understand what I need to learn in order to freaking pass for the present courses. This really sucks; people who are doing as poorly as me, who can understand me, are not graduating yet. I'm supposed to graduate but my grades may suggest otherwise, but I won't know until I see about a diploma. I never thought of myself as a loser but I am certainly heading that way. I may have the "personality" and the public "attitutde," but that coupled with a biology degree and shitty grades, given the discipline, will get me nowhere.
I most certainly do NOT want to live at home anymore. All I hear is lecturing and "motivational talks" that just end up pissing off everyone present and causing me to be rude and escape the room mid sentence. What am I doing with my life? What am I really here for? What if I just end up in some dead end job that I absolutely hate? Is that what life is all about? There has to be SOMETHING to keep people going b/c all I feel now is nausea and I am drowning.
Had to get that out.
Most people are emo about leaving and moving away. But at least they are going somewhere, getting on with their lives. All I feel is regret and loads of self-criticism. I hate how I bullshitted my way through college. I hate how I totally did NOT take advantage of everything I could have acquired profesionally. I hate how I only live for the present and never care about the future until it has arrived. Well I'm graduating in 4 days; the "future" of so many years is nearly here. And while I'm excited, it will be terrible b/c it's not even anything for me to be proud of. Everyone graduates nowadays; it's no big deal anymore. I have accomplished nothing, academically speaking, I haven't sought any jobs, but am still complaining, I haven't earned anything higher than a C in ANY of my major's requirements, no matter how much I try or change my ways, with the exception of physics which I rocked. I hate how all my efforts in studying this semester have come to no avail and I that I missed a lot of the social aspects, which all my friends have been able to do since there is clearly supposed to be more time in a senior's schedule. That's what I get for failing a class and then paying for it by having to take more later, so I can graduate and get this horrible academic experience over already! 20.5 credits this semester was INSANE and for someone trying so hard to change her study habits and lifestyle, it was SO hard, given that I am graduating and everyone around me is an academic superstar without trying.
A positive thing to note is my close friends whom I have acquired this semester. Without realizing, I've befriended and gotten clsoe to wonderful people who happen to not be graduating, and it has helped me to keep studying and keep my head in undergrad, b/c these are the people who care about their performance right now. My core friends change every semester, and each year they mold perfectly with my needs. (Not that the others do not count anymore, but they play much less leader type roles in everyday life)
It's not that classes are hard, I just haven't put as much effort into what I was supposed to (my studies) until now, as I should have, since 2002. And because I slept though the bio basics, I can't understand what I need to learn in order to freaking pass for the present courses. This really sucks; people who are doing as poorly as me, who can understand me, are not graduating yet. I'm supposed to graduate but my grades may suggest otherwise, but I won't know until I see about a diploma. I never thought of myself as a loser but I am certainly heading that way. I may have the "personality" and the public "attitutde," but that coupled with a biology degree and shitty grades, given the discipline, will get me nowhere.
I most certainly do NOT want to live at home anymore. All I hear is lecturing and "motivational talks" that just end up pissing off everyone present and causing me to be rude and escape the room mid sentence. What am I doing with my life? What am I really here for? What if I just end up in some dead end job that I absolutely hate? Is that what life is all about? There has to be SOMETHING to keep people going b/c all I feel now is nausea and I am drowning.
Had to get that out.