stand up, say praise the trees! the trees will be fine!
I hate doing homework. Not just math, but any kind. It's so incredibly pointless. I feel like a hypocrite doing it, because I hate school.
Why do I care so much about the grades I get? what does it matter? i don't want to be here anyway. It's not like I give a damn about this school and what happens to me there. It's not like i support the system in any way.
Yet i'm sitting here, doing it, wanting to kill myself because I seem to have been assigned some work that the teacher DID NOT GO OVER IN CLASS, so how the hell am I supposed to do it?
None of it makes sense, and the SECOND it stops making sense to me, i'm filled with overwhelming hatred and have to try my hardest not to freak out and start screaming or I might hurt myself or something else.
I really don't feel comfortable when things don't make sense to me. I don't like the feeling of being out of control.
God, I hate this so much.. I hate myself so much.
I can't even find my paper journal to write these thoughts on, but I have to get them out.
I don't want to die, I really don't. It's not fair. That seems to be the only answer, but it's not what I want. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this.
But I have no choice... no one is giving me a choice.
I feel so absolutely cornered. So unloved.. I feel like I have no place to call home. I feel judged every turn I make, every person I sit next to. No one says anything. Why does everyone still act like they're 2 years old?
I can't stand them... I can't stand anyone. I can't stand myself.
I want to be with someone, but the second I am, I just hate them. I want to love someone, but when I think about it, it just disgusts me. I want to write, but it feels like such a task. I want to be alone, on my own, by myself in my own house, but when I am, I get so paranoid and frightened I can't even leave my own room. So I hide myself under desks and think people can live for quite awhile without drinking water.
And if i just gave it up, would I be someone I could look up to, or would I be someone I don't like? Would I be just like the people I hate?
What does that prove?
Of course, I can't sleep now. I don't know what to do. I don't want tomorrow to come, so why go to sleep and make it come faster?
I can't keep track of anything anymore.. not that I really desire to much. I don't feel like doing anything. I want to pursue my writing, and that's it. But I can't even do that when i'm so emotionally distressed all the time like this.
I keep trying to drown myself in work so justforamoment i won't have to think about the world. And in those moments, sometimes I can look at myself and feel happy; feel accomplished about something - i don't know what - but something. Sometimes i have these moments where i just feel unreal beauty. I try to absorb it into my mind, into my skin, into my body. I sit still, or stand still, and try my best to feel it in every part of myself. It can be anything, really. I think how interesting an object is, and who could have possibly thought of it..
But what is outside is always there. the world is always there. Sometimes I praise my mind in being able to think about multiple things at the same time, but most of the time, it's just annoying.
How am i supposed to wake up tomorrow and feel okay?
I don't know.. but I will. somehow. somehow i'll forget about this long enough to try and do something 'normal.'